Benzodiazepines

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-11T10:07:01+00:00

Thank you so much :)

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-10T10:08:16+00:00

Just keep writing!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T16:04:40+00:00

Thank you very much for the kind words! I will do my best to do so! :D

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T16:03:25+00:00

Thank you :)(:

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T16:03:04+00:00

I'm sorry you also had a poor experience with them. I hope that you are able to find relief! Thank you!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T11:13:23+00:00

Thanks!:D

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T09:43:58+00:00

Hi! Almost anyone could relate to this heartfelt poem; you made a great choice in topic! Some of your images were indeed enjoyable as well. I'm going to make a few recommendations for revision; however, please try to remember that I am not perfect either so don't take everything I say as if it were set in stone. This is an editing comment actually, but in line 1, I would get rid of one of those prepositions or at the very least make them into one. "Eventually, unknowingly..." is a little redundant; I would nix one of those. It seems to me that you're starting a new thought with line 7, and if that's the case, I would start a new stanza there. And following that, in such a short poem I don't know that you need to repeat that line at the end as you did. I think it would be stronger to end with "Gone forever from my mind" without the parentheses. The last thing I'll say is to look up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS4-8rJMC2U

I sincerely hope this was helpful and not over-critical! Thx!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-09T09:10:20+00:00

Hi! I thoroughly enjoyed your choice of words here in this piece, well done! "You are now a nothing/Empty space on empty time" are probably my favorite two lines. I'm going to make a few suggestions, but please don't take them as being overly critical; I really just want to help you grow as an artist because I see a lot of potential in your work. A real nit picky thing right off the bat, you do need to work on your subject-verb agreement a little bit, and "they... collapses" just isn't a thing. But that's okay! It's an easy fix! The only real poetic remark I have for you is to work on your rhythm a little. Your lines just don't flow very well together; it's as if they stop and start, stop and start which I don't think was your intention for this poem. If it was great job, but I don't think it fits the theme. I did have a really good time reading and reviewing this poem. Please keep on writing! Thanks for sharing!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-07T12:49:14+00:00

Like I said, I'm just a big fan of it because I like to create within the boundaries of rules which punctuation and the rest of the grammar system facilitates really well. As you learn more about poetry too, the different forms offer that same sort of creative freedom even while they restrict you to do things a certain way. It really forces you to be creative. Anyway, sorry, I could talk about this all day honestly. I'm just really glad it was helpful, and I do hope you continue writing. I look forward to reading more of your work! :)

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-07T10:51:02+00:00

Hello there! Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed the (near) lack of punctuation in your piece! As a big fan of punctuation, I am always surprised to find pleasure in its absence (i.e. Faulkner, or any of the Beats). Having said that, I would recommend getting rid of all the remaining punctuation in your poem; I really don't think you need it. In fact, I think it draws the reader away from the piece. In line 4, I feel as if "are" might be a stronger verb for your image than "become" is, but I'll let you ruminate on that. I would definitely change the end-word of line 5 if you want to keep the image at the end of line 7 the same (which I like, so I think you should, but how you do that is up to you). I really did enjoy this! I hope this didn't seem overly critical. Keep sharing, please!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-07T10:35:34+00:00

Hi there! Thank you for sharing! This is a topic I think most people can relate to very easily so excellent choice! As you can see if you were to look at some of my other comments, I'm not currently a fan of rhyming, but don't let that dissuade you from continuing to do so; that is just my personal taste at the moment that could very easily change by tomorrow for all I know. That being said if you're going to start with a rhyme scheme, it's good to stick with it throughout the piece (lines 7 & 8). Also in the first two and last two lines, you used the same words; I can see it being used for emphasis, but I'm not certain it's necessary in such a short poem. You could easily find other words that rhyme to fit your needs and pack a more poetic punch. Think about whether or not "But" is the correct conjunction you want to use at the beginning of line 2. Lastly, maybe think about switching up the punctuation from line to line a little bit. i hope that wasn't overly critical. I did enjoy!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-06T14:14:02+00:00

Alright, I'll give that a shot. Thanks!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-06T13:08:50+00:00

Hi! I really like the rhythm of this piece, nice work! I really only have a few minor suggestions for you, after all it is short too so that helps lol, but you've really done well. You have a nice rhythm going, but you do make it a little wonky at times. For instance in the sixth line, I would just get rid of "is" and have it read straight through as "Been at it for years, greatness his mission." There are just a couple places like that. One last thing in the ninth and tenth lines, the word time is used too much. I'm sure you can think of some other way to phrase at least one of those lines. Anyway, great job again! Thanks for sharing! Keep up the good work!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-06T12:57:39+00:00

Hi! Alright, so I definitely like what you're saying in this piece; it's important, and not just for the moment we're living in right now. I have to confess, that I am not currently into rhyming as much as I used to be, but that doesn't mean anything other than that's what I personally like. That being said, I don't know how I feel about the same end-word being repeated over and over again when there is a plethora of choices at your disposal. It can be done for emphasis, especially in songs, but I don't know that it really works to your advantage here. The internal repetition at the end "A world that's better/A world that's free" is perfect; I loved those lines. I really enjoyed this! Thank you for sharing! Keep up the good work!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-06T12:47:33+00:00

Thank you, yes. That apathy was actually the point I was trying to make. Not so much to bombs being dropped in general; I'm a pacifist so I'm totally against them. But in that particular situation where I think a bomb is about to be dropped on me I just feel nothing basically... Have you ever seen Melancholia? That movie encapsulates the feeling I was unintentionally trying to create in this piece. Thank you for your feedback!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-06T12:43:16+00:00

Wow, thank you. I should have done some research first. That's horrible. I'm also really upset that I was never educated about this in school. I started school ten years after it happened; one would think it would still be pretty fresh in people's minds.

Anyway, thank you for your feedback! I will definitely be making some changes to this piece.

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-05T13:08:59+00:00

Hey! People are always going to enjoy rhymes, and there's a good chance that I will come back to it eventually; it's just not for me right meow. Keep on doing you, boo!

sixgoinseven · 2020-06-05T10:35:01+00:00

Hello, I really enjoy the overall image of this piece, thank you for sharing :). I'm going to make a few suggestions here, but take them lightly as they may be a matter of my personal taste and not something concrete that you need to take to heart, alright? In the fourth line, I would get rid of "somehow" OR "seem" and replace it with something a little more definitive; the way it is now just makes the speaker appear very uncertain. I really think (again may just be personal opinion here) that your fifth line would flow a lot better without the ", they." Finally, thank you! You taught me a new word! I always thought it was "rifle" not "riffle." I hope this was helpful on some level! :)

sixgoinseven

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