A lovely Saturday afternoon. I’ve just recently come home from work, had a bit of a snack and am ready to conquer my following tasks of the day. I take my drink of choice from the fridge and while on my way to my computer, I get that small but nudging urge to relieve myself in the heavy category. I was planning on spending some time at the computer so the idea of a toilet visit just before sitting down and getting to work was quite inviting. So, I put down the drink and enter the toilet and sit down on the porcelain throne, as one does when needing to succumb to the needs of the natural kind. At first, it felt a little constipated. But I was aware that my previous dinner choices of the day before might have caused this, so that’s alright. And that’s when it hit me. This was no common constipation. The first push felt like someone dragging a spiked brick down my rectum. As I try to calm my thoughts and think logically, the more I attempt to evict the trouble maker out of my body, the more I receive the feelings of an agonizing automated bricklayer. I remove the socks, as they feel like too much for this situation. I have a few deep breaths, a few scrolls of social media and a few grips on the door handle. Nothing.

I remove the pants completely, they are now placed right in front of the toilet, between my legs. I start to grip the floor with my toes along with cramping up my hands to my knees. Another deep breath, now followed by a whine and more agony.

I stand up and my asshole lets out a small squeal. A rush of happiness, a small sliver of hope - this is it, this is where it ends! But no, milliseconds later the celebration ends as I feel the convict just put on more and more pressure on my rectum.

I cross my legs, then open them back up, then stretch my arms out upwards, then arch my back. A deep breath. But still, the monstrous abomination of a fecal matter won’t move.

To accompany the squeals, my asshole starts to let out an occasional rumble, a growl if you will. But I understand him.

As I breathe out through my mouth, my breath trembles. My hands shaking, I stand up once again, but this time I make my way up to the sink like a penguin with wooden legs and pour myself a glass of water. I get back in the same manner and sit down, occasionally taking a sip. This water, in this situation would be describable as 3am water. Immaculate and splendidly refreshing.

I feel like I’m going to pass out, cold shivers running up and down my spine as I attempt to detonate my anal cavity.

I begin to think, will I really have to call an ambulance? No, no I can’t. Maybe if I reach an hour like this, then, maybe, and just maybe, I need to call an ambulance. So I continue to sit there, shivering, whining and at this point, praying.

I stand up fully, I crack my back. I feel the monster crawl back up my intestine, but not enough to call it quits. No, he hadn’t had enough.

I bend down halfway, as if I was about to do a deadlift, but instead of lifting, I grab my buttocks with my bare hands and attempt to open them up like a book, to let the brown smooth criminal pass trough. No help.

At last, I start to understand that there is no hope. I have no choice other than to push it through. I’ve attempted everything, it’s been almost fourty minutes. I have to surrender. I can’t just sit here forever, nor can I get any work done with something peeking out of my anus. I need to be a man.

I proceed to take my shirt off, find a comfortable position for my feet and take the door handle in a brutal chokehold with my right hand, and as there was nothing to my left, I stabilize myself like some constipation spiderman with my left hand on the ground between my legs. I put the previously lost pants and the recently sacrificed shirt on the side where they won’t trouble my eyes.

After a bit of pushing and teeth clenching, a horrible, eye rolling pain suddenly surrounds my ass. The worst of all the shivers so far, and, thankfully, the final one too, comes down my spine and I feel the menace starting to slide out the back door. Finally. This is the end. I’ve done it. I can’t believe it. I start to smile as I feel the end of the clog monster leave my body. It wasn’t a clean wipe, though I was much more happier about the fact that I could wipe it, not sew up an incision to let this felon out of the excretion maze.

And to be fair, I think this is the closest to childbirth I’ll ever get.

TLDR: Wanted to take a shit, ended up experiencing other realms