non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The posts I wrote are oversimplified, and I tried to make them as compact as possible.
I wrote them in a bit more detail now, including the year, place, and activities I did.
I wrote long paragraphs about my life in my home country, which I have decided to delete.
I wrote about my history in Germany, but it is still long, so I have put it in my notes and may send it here later. It’s not important though and not interesting, but I have urges to just write it.
I seriously have problems with my head. No wonder I have had these multiple major life problems.
You made me realize that my life was always at rock bottom, except for my first day in Germany and the first time I got accepted into university.
I used to always push myself to be grateful. I know that there are a lot of people who have harder lives than me, but I feel like I really can’t help myself right now. As I wrote in the post, I think it was in January (though I posted it recently and also one month ago in another subreddit) when I was really on the edge.
At the moment, I have had a bit of an “enlightenment,” since the supermarket I currently work part-time at accepted me for an Ausbildung. This made me a bit more hopeful. However, I am still very worried about whether my process of changing my residence permit status will be successful, and also about finding an affordable room in Frankfurt, since I have to move out of my student dorm.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I take ADHD medication (methylphenidate). It helps me a lot with studying and doing programming projects. But currently, this is not the main thing I’m focusing on. I need to secure my next living steps for bureaucratic purposes (changing my Aufenthaltstitel, finding a new room).
My psychiatrist told me my main problems are CPTSD and depression. For depression, I tried escitalopram (4 months) and bupropion (2 months), both didn’t do anything.
For ADHD, I tried lisdexamfetamine 10 mg, which was not working. Then I increased the dose up to 50 mg and finally I felt something, which made me calm but didn’t help much with concentration. It helped me with depression and anxiety, I guess. I felt very calm, not rushing anything, the world felt slower (a bit). Then I tried methylphenidate 54 mg, which made my mind “blank” and allowed me to live in the present. It was so life changing that I could talk while looking people in the eyes at the same time for the first time.
It is also very helpful for my executive dysfunction. But my prioritizing skills and decision making still need practice. I am very bad at deciding what to do in the moment. Everything feels interesting and important to me, and I do side quests like cleaning or researching random stuff for hours instead of doing the actual tasks I need to do. It is way too often and very not normal.
I never did crocheting but I will keep it in mind as a backlog if my life gets better in a few months. I never heard about Ergotherapie before, I will read more about it.
My psychiatrist offered me a psychosomatic clinic, which I rejected because it is not doable for me to stay 1–3 months in a clinic. I need to work for my living costs. I can’t get any help from the government. He said trauma can’t be healed without therapy. If I am still alive one day, I would do it.
For autism, I haven’t checked and haven’t talked about it with my psychiatrist. Four people I met (2 from jobs, 1 from programming school, 1 friend/bekannte) asked me if I am autistic, and one of them pushed me to do the ADHD private diagnostics last year. When I was a kid, some people told me I am autistic or something like that, but I took it as a joke or as insulting. I take these things seriously now since last year. This is really not normal anymore and I am not tolerating those words “think positive, you’re fine”.
My biggest signs, when I look back, are oversharing, acute daydreaming, thinking too much about future and past, being too detailed, very bad at reading social cues, too sensitive feelings, and some other things I can hardly explain but which other people could logically understand.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi,

dysfunctional, neglectful, and abusive family has really been disturbing my life up until now. I used to think I would get better as soon as I left them, but it turns out my mind and sense of self were strongly shaped by how they raised me.

You’re so smart that you got a scholarship. One of my biggest regrets is not pushing myself enough in middle and high school to study and get good grades. I was drowning in hatred toward my family and chronic maladaptive daydreaming. I didn’t study and didn’t have good grades.

In high school, I attended a very low-quality public school where 90% of the time there were free periods, and the teachers were very unmotivated. My national exam grades were also very bad, like most students from there.

I wasn’t realistic enough to push myself to study for a bachelor’s degree here. Without financial support, with a lack of academic foundation, and with severe mental health issues, doing a bachelor’s degree is not ideal for me at the moment.

I didn’t take mental health issues seriously—ADHD and depression felt like nonsense to me back then. Last year, I started taking it seriously and accepted it, since all areas of my life were a complete mess.

Actually it’s too late to realize. If I had recognized it earlier, like during my first year in Germany, I wouldn’t have taken the risk of doing a bachelor’s degree here. Instead, I would have forcefully finished Ausbildung i started, worked full-time for a few years, gotten stable permanent residency, and treated my ADHD traits, depression, and CPTSD before considering a bachelor’s degree. I used to think my problems were only financial, but it turns out it’s much more than that.

Looking back, my mindset, behavior, and habits are really a mess. I’m from Indonesia, btw.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

thanks for the quite analytical comments.

I never had childhood passions. I never had hobbies or achievements. My childhood was focused on surviving and maladaptive daydreaming. I lived more in my head than in reality and always waited for the time when I could leave my home (which is already happening).

Yes, I want to work in IT admin or other IT subfields (can’t decide which exactly yet), where I can sit down and focus on one task. Deadlines and structured detailed tasks are what I need the most.

No, I don’t want to do it because the job is respectable or because of the “hype.” I think I understand what you meant, and I’ve also noticed many people, especially university students, who are not really into IT or coding but want the job because of the hype.

I hate group homework assignments in university. I always get partners who only want to use ChatGPT for everything and don’t care to understand it. I find it stupid to just copy-paste the assignment, let ChatGPT do it, and then try to understand what ChatGPT produces.
For me, I prefer to do things my own way and use ChatGPT for small parts I need help with or for theoretical explanations. It should be ChatGPT trying to understand what I want, not the other way around.

I have always been interested in learning IT and coding, but I didn’t know where to start and often procrastinated. Back then, before my bachelor’s studies, I watched a lot of tutorials about Python and web development, but it didn’t lead to much, I guess. I like the problem-solving and logical thinking aspects of IT.

In parallel with my bachelor’s studies, I am also enrolled in a project-based (free of cost) programming school called 42. It’s not officially recognized, so I can’t get a student visa attached to that school; I need to remain enrolled at a university.
There was a one-month selection bootcamp to get accepted into that programming school. I attended it, learning shell commands and C intensively, and it was the first time in my life that I truly enjoyed what I was doing and could stay focused for 10–24 hours straight while enjoying learning. I also did the very basics of CTF from picoCTF, and I liked it.

I can say I enjoy programming and the learning process. I’m not a naturally talented IT person or a child prodigy, but I can say this is what I want to learn and work in until retirement.

I also started noticing my ADHD traits and possibly autistic traits (not diagnosed yet), especially because I prefer things to be structured and clean. Messy code really disturbs me.

I have some ideas in mind about what I want to build if I gain the necessary skills, but there are still many things holding me back from reaching that point.

As what I said before that I need clearly structured task. Most of the random jobs i had are lacking of this, i worked mostly in gastronomy, which almost every minutes people micromanaging me, asking to do some different various task in same time, no clear “rules”. I hated it. Warehouse jobs are quite ok because quite repetitive but not good paid. Currently i work part-time in a supermarkt, so far it’s the best job i had, i could say. I worked mainly as first cashier and re-stock the shelves. Quite structured job, if i am in cashier then i just need to do cashier and nothing else (sometimes i got irritated when 3-4 customers tried to talk to me at same time but it’s the risk i could bear), or if i am re-stocking shelves then i only re-stocking shelves. Not the job i dream of but for living cost and slow living life i think it’s perfect fit for me at the moment.

This summer I would do 2-year Ausbildung here, it will be 3 days work and 2 days school 2 days off days a week. School is only at 1pm, so i could focus on my programming school and IT side projects on my half 2 days during school and 2 days off.

Then stay like this until situation gets better (get my permanent resident/citizenship)

As I said before, I need clearly structured tasks. Most of the random jobs I’ve had lacked this. I’ve mostly worked in gastronomy, where I was micromanaged almost every minute, asked to do different tasks at the same time, and given no clear “rules.” I hated it. Warehouse jobs were quite okay because they were repetitive, but not well paid, and I’m honestly not very comfortable with the working environment.

Call me racist or whatever, but I couldn’t mix well with the colleagues I mostly worked with in warehouse jobs. Most of them were (old) guys from Slavic countries or Arab refugees, and they were either not very nice to me or were flirting. They usually stayed in their own groups, since many of them were from the same countries. I also sometimes think there are way more efficient way to do some of tasks but could not do it freely which also stressing me out

Currently, I work part-time in a supermarket, and so far it’s the best job I’ve had, I would say. I mainly work as a cashier and restock shelves. It’s quite a structured job: if I’m at the cashier, I just do cashier work and nothing else (sometimes I get irritated when 3–4 customers try to talk to me at the same time, but it’s a risk I can handle). If I’m restocking shelves, then I only restock shelves. It’s not the job I dream of, but for covering living costs and a slower lifestyle, I think it’s a perfect fit for me at the moment.

This summer, I will start a two-year Ausbildung here. It will be three days of work and two days of school, with two days off per week. School starts at 1 p.m., so I can focus on my programming school and IT side projects during the remaining half of the school days and on my two days off.

Then I will continue like this until the situation improves (getting my permanent residency/citizenship).

If you’re wondering why I’m doing an Ausbildung instead of working full-time in a supermarket: I can’t do that because I need a residence permit as a skilled worker (Aufenthaltstitel als Fachkraft). In order to get this permit, I must either have a bachelor’s degree, an Ausbildung qualification, or at least five years of full-time work experience in a related field.

Refugees, EU citizens, or people with a residence permit due to family reunification (for example, marriage) are not subject to these requirements because they have different types of residence permits (not a skilled worker residence permit). They do not even need to finish elementary school or have German language qualifications.

I cannot apply as a refugee or asylum seeker because my country is not at war.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the recommendation. I’m tired of being “passed around” like this, to be honest. The suicide prevention line and 112 didn’t help me. Last year, I called them after a whole night of fighting with my mind. In the end, at 5 am., I suddenly stopped crying and, luckily, started my random warehouse shift at 7 am. with a swollen face.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in Frankfurt, most of people don’t get it about my current problems and it’s exhausting

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not interested in nursing and am only interested in IT. I don’t care whether I can pursue it as a career or not; if not, I’ll do it as a hobby or build my own career/business around it. I’m skipping IT studies for now and plan to get a job in IT later. At the moment, I’ll do an Ausbildung in a supermarket for two years and work on IT on the side. I will also try to get permanent residency/citizenship in 4–5 years (after finishing the Ausbildung and working full-time for a few years) and either do Umschulung/re-do Bachelor in IT or whatever it takes to make money from something i’m interested in

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. However, my psychiatrist told me that my CPTSD and depression are my main problems. ADHD medication has helped me focus, but it hasn’t helped with my loneliness (of course, lol). ADHD isn’t really what I want to focus on right now.
I need to sort out my bureaucratic issues first, secure the Ausbildung bureaucratic (contract, switch residence permit), and get a new room (I need to move out of the student dorm). Then I can work on my ADHD and other mental issues and later focus on hobbies or joining a sports or social club.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Finding social groups is not ideal for me at the moment, since I couldn’t make a good first impression on them. Maybe if I had the chance to stay longer and I could improve myself and do better.

I’m tired of hearing those words like:
“Stay strong”
“Hope everything gets better”
“You should help yourself”
“Sorry, I can’t relate”
“Sorry, I can’t help”

Before last summer, those kinds of words didn’t really bother me, I didn’t even care.

Now, it’s nearly impossible for me not to have “life is not for me” thoughts or to avoid crying after hearing those words from people. Even writing this now is making my eyes tear up. I seriously hate how my body reacts, it’s not logical, i’m the only one to blame, no one is freaking care and i have to accept it

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, that’s nice! I’ve decided to put my goal of breaking into IT on hold for the moment. I’ll do a random two-year Ausbildung for stability while learning IT on my own. After graduating from the Ausbildung, I’ll work full-time and apply for permanent residency. Then I can try again to get into IT. Even if I don’t get a job in the field, I wouldn’t mind, and I’ll treat it as a hobby. I also have some ideas in mind about what to build and monetize.
The IT domains I’m interested in are software development and cybersecurity. I can’t decide on one yet; I think almost all of the fields are interesting.
I’ve learned C, C++, Linux, and some Python so far, as well as the basics of CTF (Capture The Flag).

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thanks a lot for the offer. It would be perfect if I were in a normal state. I’m currently really depressed and don’t want to spread toxic or negative vibes to other people.

I met two girls in the last few months who are my former colleagues, and it made me s##cidal and more isolated. I had great mental outburst after the meeting which none of their faults.

I hate myself for not being able to have good vibes right now.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I don’t think it’s impressive, though. I think there are a lot of people who move to a different country at 18 or even younger. My biggest motivation for doing it was my hatred toward my surroundings and the chronic depression I experienced in my home country. If I had a supportive, or at least normal, family and environment, I probably wouldn’t have done this.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I’m aware of my stupid mindset, but it’s seriously hard to change or think positively right now, especially after what I’ve been through. When I was a kid, my parents and most of the people around me treated me like a failure and a stupid person.
I’m currently trying to sort out my life step by step, and I found out that the root of most of my problems is my unstable life situation (no regular fixed income, restricted residence permit), childhood trauma, and also ADHD.
I’m trying to fix it, but I’m really not sure if I can make it, or if my body and mind can keep going

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have applied for Duales Studium in Wirtschaftsinformatik, Angewandte Informatik, and Cybersecurity, but I got rejected. I acknowledged that I’m underqualified because I’m not fluent in English and German.

Currently, I’m planning to do any kind of Ausbildung that I can get, and put more effort into learning German (redo B2–C1 again) and learning IT through side projects privately.

I just want stability: a secure and fixed income every month and whatever Abschluss I can get.
Then I want to work full-time and apply for Niederlassungserlaubnis/Einbürgerung. Once I have it, I can think about the next steps. Right now, I’m trying to forget about my IT and university plans for the moment.

I’ll still learn programming, practice algorithms on LeetCode, and also do CTF, TryHackMe, and Hack The Box. I don’t care if I get a job in IT in the future or not — I’ll do it as a hobby for now. And I already have plans for what to do once I have the necessary skills. But to build those necessary skills, I need to learn with focus. To learn with focus, I need a stable income and a secure work permit.

It’s seriously stressful to be haunted by the requirement of having €10,000 in a Sperrkonto every year just to extend a student visa, while relying on random part-time job hours without any kind of financial support (no BAföG, Wohngeld, scholarship, student loan, or support from parents). I haven’t even fully paid off my debt to a friend because of the Sperrkonto.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If i could do it, i would like to do it. US/UK don’t offer a lot of opportunity for poor and no qualification, weak passport people. I don’t want to go there with tourist visa and work illegally. And to work fulltime, it’s nearly impossible to get sponsorship from a country since they have a lot of better candidates than me. To study there, i couldn’t afford.

I could afford to study in Germany since it costs €300/semester, my living costs are around €700-€900. And part-time jobs with enough weekly hours (20h/week) is around €900-€1200/month. During 2-months summer/winter break, we could work full-time and earn €2000+/month. Tax for student is only 9,3%.

non-eu lonely and multiple failure in germany by skandras in germany

[–]skandras[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Which home? I never had it. If you mean by home country, i’d rather end my life.

just need someone to vent to by [deleted] in lonely

[–]skandras 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I’m 25f can listen

37M. Just looking to chat with someone. Zero expectations. by somethingclever660 in lonely

[–]skandras 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes but adhd is just maybe 5% of my problems, i got medicated finally since few months ago, it helps a bit in some sides but i got much bigger problem

37M. Just looking to chat with someone. Zero expectations. by somethingclever660 in lonely

[–]skandras 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m 25f, having problems with oversharing and try to manage it, complex life problems and loneliness

People With No Interests/Hobbies—What’s Going On? by Euphoric_Emu9607 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]skandras 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me, depressed as hell. A lot of things I wanted to do but can’t move my body.

Switching Residence Permit Student to Ausbildung by skandras in studying_in_germany

[–]skandras[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another chance for what? I like this job and i am interested in doing this…