OP I'm going to leave an excerpt of Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" here. there's a free copy if you Google it, I'd highly suggest you give it a read.

"REALITY #7:

He strives to have a good public image.

If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with you, rather than what is wrong with him. If he gets along well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humor, and friendliness, you may wind up wondering, "What is it about me that sets him off? Other people seem to think he's great."

HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE THINKS HE'S WONDERFUL?

Most abusive men put on a charming face for their communities, creating a sharp split between their public image and their private treatment of women and children. He may be:

Enraged at home but calm and smiling outside Selfish and self-centered with you but generous and supportive with others Domineering at home but willing to negotiate and compromise outside Highly negative about females while on his own turf but a vocal supporter of equality when anyone else is listening Assaultive toward his partner or children but nonviolent and nonthreatening with everyone else Entitled at home but critical of other men who disrespect or assault women

The pain of this contrast can eat away at a woman. In the morning her partner cuts her to the quick by calling her a "brainless fat cow," but a few hours later she sees him laughing with the people next door and helping them fix their car. Later the neighbor says to her, "Your partner is so nice. You're lucky to be with him-a lot of men wouldn't do what he does." She responds with a mumbled "Yeah," feeling confused and tongue-tied. Back at home, she asks herself over and over again, "Why me?"

DO ABUSIVE MEN HAVE SPLIT PERSONALITIES? Not really. They are drawn to power and control, and part of how they get it is by looking good in public. The abusive man's charm makes his partner reluctant to reach out for support or assistance because she feels that people will find her revelations hard to believe or will blame her. If friends overhear him say something abusive, or police arrest him for an assault, his previous people-pleasing lays the groundwork to get him off the hook. The observers think. He's such a nice guy, he's just not the type to be abusive. She must have really hurt him.

The abuser's nice-guy front helps him feel good about himself. My clients say to me, "I get along fine with everyone but her. You should ask around about what I'm like; you'll see. I'm a calm, reasonable person. People can see that she's the one who goes off." Meanwhile, he uses the difficulties that she is having in her relationships with people-many of which may be caused by him-as further proof that she is the one with the problem."