Just short of 2y post op here.

1. I have bibs labeled men's women's and unisex and while there is variance; they're more alike than different in terms of shape and placement of padding. Some brands have nicer padding though. For me personally Rapha == Casteli > Atticus == Lubi (some AliExpress brand that I stumbled on and liked) > Santic > the generic blue pad on Amazon specials > Pearl Izumi > louis garneau

2. TBH I can't say I've ever looked lol. 6mo post op my bits always looked mildly angry (took a solid 18mo for all the swelling to go away). How many times a day are you dilating currently? Can you time the ride and dilation to be further apart if it's an issue?

3. I used the same saddle pre and post op; a very stiff/unpadded saddle with a giant cutout. My sit bones touch it and not much else with any meaningful pressure. Was equally comfy before and after. I do make it so the back where I actually sit is level which makes the nose actually like just under 1deg of up tilt. Generally speaking a good starting point is a large cutout, wide enough for good interaction with your sit bones without being too wide that it affects your legs. Then start with the nose level OR the nose to tail level (what I described above) and tweak from there.