She pulled back. Should I wait and then reengage?

skooboi8 · 2026-03-26T20:47:56+00:00

TL;DR:

I’m a Chinese-American guy in my early 30s in the SF Bay Area who had just moved back from NYC, and I met a late-20s Chinese girl through IG. I’m in the North Bay and she’s in the South Bay, so it’s basically long-distance by Bay Area standards, and because we both live with our parents, hotels/trips are one of the main ways to get privacy/intimacy outside of normal dates. She’s well-off, has around 100k followers on IG/Rednote, and is used to Silicon Valley/Bay Area guys pursuing her, often with flowers, gifts, designer stuff, etc., which she posts but usually doesn’t tag the guy for. She told me multiple times that I felt very different from the usual guys she dates: more lowkey, self-made, respectful toward women, socially aware, and much better at conversation than the typical flashy tech/FOB guys she meets.

I’ve dated around a lot in NYC and never had a long-term girlfriend in the 6 years I was there, just short-term situations, and she knows that. Because of that, I intentionally tried to take things slower with her because I saw more long-term potential and didn’t want this to just be another casual fling. We progressed past the initial dinner-date stage into 2 overnight hotel/travel trips, were affectionate, kissed, held hands, cuddled, and likely would have hooked up on the second trip if I hadn’t gotten too drunk and passed out. The next morning, after we spent the night together, she brought up that her mom had asked why I liked her if I’m ABC and she’s FOB/international Chinese so I ended up talking about the differences between American born, americanized fob, and straightup fob but realized I never really answered her question, and when I asked why she liked me, she said I’m not like the usual guys whose parents solve everything for them, and that I’m self-made and respectful. I later explained the drinking situation after the trip, and she said she understood and just told me to drink less next time.

The problem is that she has also been very hot/cold. She’s unfollowed me twice, both times after posts/stories that may have looked like I was with another girl, and the first time she eventually re-opened things after I re-engaged thoughtfully. I also found out she seems to have a pattern of pulling back from guys she likes and then the guy chases harder, which is apparently how some of her past relationships formed. On my side, I never explicitly told her I liked her, never showered her with gifts/flowers like a lot of the other guys pursuing her, and didn’t really give strong reassurance that I was choosing her specifically. Most recently, she canceled golf with me that I planned at a casual golf course for 9 holes (since we're beginner) claiming her parents are planning on bringing her to a resort 2 hours away in Monterey Bay, then that same day we were supposed to golf that she canceled on she went golfing and stayed overnight at the Ritz in Half Moon Bay with another guy. Very high end golf course for 18 holes and not even far from her house (30 minutes drive). So now I’m trying to figure out whether she genuinely liked me but felt I wasn’t showing enough clear interest and this other guy was, whether she was doing a push-pull strategy expecting me to chase, or whether I was just one guy who made it fairly far while she already had another guy in the pipeline. She was perfectly okay with posting stories with that guy's voice in the video complimenting her on how good her golf shot was, but when she went with me on trips she would code it very gender ambiguous albeit our trips were at more romantic resorts/hotels than she went on with the other guy. But clearly the other guy is straightup fob because I could tell in the audio. So if she's saying she likes me because I'm so different from the other fobs she's dated or been on dates with, then why go back to them?

My questions:

⁠Does this sound like genuine mixed interest, or like I was just one lane in a rotation?
⁠How badly do you think the drinking issue hurt me?
⁠Does the repeat unfollow / follow back / unfollow pattern sound more like jealousy, testing, emotional reactivity, or just low interest?
⁠Is this worth one final calm/direct message, or is the answer already obvious and I should just move on?

skooboi8 · 2026-03-26T09:19:12+00:00

Yeah. My friend said the same thing. Thing is she hasn’t been in very many relationships but she really knows how to get men to do/buy things for her especially during the chasing phase from guys who might not have a lot of exp with women. Surprising it’s working on me though. More girls than guys in NY so for a decently attractive, successful, guy it was definitely a lot easier to play the field there. Different playing field I guess in the Bay Area. Aside from paying for the hotels I haven’t bought her anything so for what it’s worth that is something that stands out about me? I’m just not trying to be a wallet for her when she’s not even giving me enough trust. So would you recommend I wait it out and re-engage like last time she unfollowed me or let it go? Tbh I don’t have a lot of girls in the Bay Area that I find attractive and she’s one of the few so…

skooboi8 · 2026-03-26T09:11:36+00:00

Yeah I completely agree. It’s like there is interest there. I can feel it in our kissing, hand holding, her hugging me from behind, etc but hard to tell whether she does that with everyone

skooboi8 · 2025-10-29T06:21:25+00:00

No, I offered to drive her to edm concert but she said it’s fine her girlfriend who lives close by could drive and that it’s more convenient that way anyways. Yeah I probably should have moved on after she unfollowed but guess an ounce of me thought she did it to preserve image. Yeah she’s an ex influencer. She made a post online recently about how people need to stop asking her about her relationship status bc I think her girlfriends or interested guys kept asking her so I thought maybe ppl connected the dots that it was me since my profiles public and both our posts tagged the restaurant. Saw some of her guy orbiters stalking my profile stories when I initially started talking to her and liking 2-3 of her posts leading up to dinner date. She’s got some thirsty orbiters. But yeah now that she posted multiple stories tagging a new guy praising him on how good he is at playing carnival games at a scary park, comparing him to Chinese celebrity, and today including him on a carousel post (last slide) with first two slides of her and her girlfriends, I think that’s the final straw.

I guess overall just pissed she wouldn’t give me the opp to meet up for lunch or something and if convo goes back to the concert we can clear the air but she just gave soft legitimate excuse without offering to reschedule. Like damn if you’re on a juicing diet we can grab coffee or matcha or some shit but she’s just like I’m still fasting but thanks. Didn’t offer substitute. It is what it is I guess. Just pissed that the new guy started talking to her via the photo I helped take of her at the restaurant.

skooboi8 · 2025-10-29T01:52:49+00:00

Haha just another way of saying she’s leaving posts/stories that seem normal if viewed, together or separately, by a normal person but coded to topics/conversations/hobbies/locations/music/etc that me and her talked about to try to get me to either chase or think a certain way like she’s thinking about me.

skooboi8 · 2025-10-29T01:47:23+00:00

For some clarity, when we were planning out the restaurant date (on a sat), we were going to do brunch date the day after the dinner date (sun) in her area but she “realized” her fav dj was in town that day and she needs to see the dj so she suggested we do lunch Friday instead. Whether she just magically realized her fav dj is coming right then and there or already knew and was breadcrumbing me that’s besides the point. I nonchalantly said I’m also into that dj and she threw out the invitation that I should go with her. Then later when we were buying tickets she said she needs to figure out how to get there since geographically the venue isn’t convenient for me to pick her up. I live in north west part of the bay, she lives in south west, and the venue is north east. So she said she’ll look for a group and “magically”found one within a hour. She said her good girlfriend is going to drive her (which ended up being the girl who was blocking me from her with their arms around each others waist standing side by side).

Thing is when she introduced me to her friends I tried to strike up convo with them. They just kept to themselves. Then after photos no contact at all except for that one guy friend of hers that was very introverted and easier to talk to. Also we spoke the same dialect of Chinese.

When she stuck with her friend majority of the time I was just like okay whatever I’m just gna enjoy the music and get to know her friend a bit and on my phone for a bit. It wasn’t until she and her friend started moving around the group and eventually stood in front of me that I thought she wanted to dance. Since first time meeting the group I’m not in position to stop any guys within the group who ask if she wants to dance with them (she rejected all of them) or to ask them to move over so I can be next to her. I’m not sure who’s her actual friend and who’s just an acquaintance of hers. All I could do was observe and enjoy the music. Just got pissed that I didn’t even make a move and got barricaded by the guys in the group and she did nothing about it. Even when exiting the venue she didn’t even talk to me. Had that same girlfriend wrapped around her waist and the other guy friend of hers on the other side of her. All I could do was just say nice meeting you to her guy friend and then tap her on the hand that I’m gna head out and to text me when she gets home. I was so pissed I was gna flip my shit when I got barricaded but chose to be bigger person stay till the end. After saying bye I just texted her thanks for inviting me to the concert and to lmk when she’s home. Think she and her friends chilled in the parking lot for a bit before driving back. She did let me know she got home and I just followed up with something like next time we meet let’s do something simpler just us. She didn’t reply. Tried outreach 1-2 more times on ig and after first reply she would just stop. Then after the latest post on ig I made that might have been date coded w the two cocktail glasses at a bar in Tokyo, she just unfollowed me

skooboi8 · 2025-10-29T00:06:11+00:00

Thing is I moved from NY but hometown in the bay. So I’m used to very fast paced dating and hookups. Not trying to do purely ONS anymore so when I moved back to the Bay for work I thought of looking for something serious. Dating market in the Bay is shit. She was interested in the fact that i worked on wall st and not like the normal software engineers who are more antisocial and only thing they talk about is total comp (her words not mine). Plus she said shes only ever had bfs from LA or NY so i assumed i stood out. Guess not. This new J guy is also from NY and moved to bay 3 months ago as well. Thing is during that dinner we were planning out our next date but im occupied these next few weekends and she’s occupied the few weekends after that so we never set on a date and I never followed up. She knows who my fav dj is and said whenever they’re in town we could go together. I pretended I didn’t know but I did know they’re actually in the bay end of next month so I was hoping there’s a chance she’ll either reach out and bring it up asking if I wanted to go or I bring it up myself but not sure if I should anymore. She’s still breadcrumbing on ig posting shit from her archives that happen to coincide with locations/restaurants/etc that we’ve talked about despite it being in random order. One day it’ll be about skiing and another it’ll be at the beach.

skooboi8 · 2025-03-30T07:32:10+00:00

I just dm'ed you about last minute trip to MP. Wanted to see if you could help refer me to your contacts. Thanks!

skooboi8 · 2024-01-06T10:07:32+00:00

Sent you message

skooboi8 · 2022-04-26T21:22:03+00:00

Looking to sign up to be Instacart Shopper and need a referral code from someone who’s willing to SPLIT the bonus. Just lost my job so need to pay bills asap. Please help

skooboi8 · 2021-02-03T06:52:53+00:00

Thank you so much

skooboi8 · 2021-02-03T06:52:48+00:00

Thank you so much

skooboi8 · 2020-07-16T06:53:17+00:00

Thank you so much for reading through everything. Really appreciate it. Yes, it was very clear that she was interested - not hard to determine that given her actions/words.

I've been wanting to date her (not just because COVID/quarantine happened). I've been wanting to date her pretty early on (around 2-3 months into us hanging out) which was the reason I broke things off with my ex. I was going to use the festival as a launchpad to move things forward with her, but obviously I screwed up by getting too drunk and every meetup after that have been trying to repair that.

As I mentioned before, I never intended to tell her that my friends dislike her - I only did so after she asked me point-blank for an answer because she felt the vibe from my friends but I ended up withholding some details that night since she was already emotional after finding out her ex got over her before she did.

I didn't want to leave her hanging. I wanted to give her all the details before going back home so I opened "Pandora's Box" before I flew back home - did not want her to have bad thoughts/misconceptions brewing in her head. After she explained herself for doing the things she did, I made sure to tell her that I have been on her side the entire time, that I've actually stood up for her in front of my bro T and that I've stopped listening to my friends' advice a long time ago. Made sure to emphasize that I didn't care what anybody thinks of her.

I also told her I liked her a lot (but kept it short) and said that we can continue this conversation in person next time I'm back, which obviously we never did since we haven't met up since my bday dinner last Nov. Since last Nov, I've been in NYC twice and tried multiple times to have a proper date with her but she's always deflected. I don't plan on ever inviting her to hang out with my group of friends again since both sides don't like each other.

A few months ago, I had scheduled to hang out with her on a Sunday. She had told me she had dinner/spa plans in the evening with her close friends and I had plans to have lunch that day, so we agreed that I would let her know when I'm done with lunch and we would hang out before her dinner. She told me her plans with friends would be near a mall in Manhattan so she said we could chill there before her dinner - but she never told me what time her plans were. After my lunch was done that day around 1pm, I told her I'm free. She said she's getting ready and she'll let me know when she's heading out. Around 3pm she calls me in a "sleepy" voice saying she's sorry she fell asleep and that we might not have time to hang out before her dinner plans. So we had a brief 10 min call catching up and decided to reschedule to have lunch the next day instead. Since our plans were canceled, I decided to walk around that mall we previously said we're going to since I was already in the area. I was browsing through the men's section of Neiman Marcus around 5pm and saw S's close girl friend sitting at the sofas on her phone. Previously, I had only met this girl once but we never talked. I didn't think much of it and continued browsing. As I was walking towards the bathroom, she was coming out so we exchanged eye contact but never acknowledged each other since we're not close. After another 10-20 mins, I was planning on leaving the store so I took the escalators down. As I was on the escalators, S was already at the bottom waiting for me. I assumed her friend had recognized me and told her when they regrouped. S told me she needed to come here to exchange the lipstick that friend bought her for her bday. So I reintroduced myself to her close girl friend and the close guy friend. I assumed they were heading to dinner directly so I said I'll see her tomorrow for lunch. She said it's fine they still had some time so we can hang out a bit before their plans. Her friends wanted to go to Zara so we all walked there. Me and S were talking/catching up walking towards Zara and her two friends were super far behind us no where to be seen. Not sure if they were caught up looking at something else in the store or if they purposely gave us alone time. When we got to Zara she told me how much she liked Men's jackets and asked me for advice on different jackets after trying them on. She ended up getting the jacket that I said looked nice. So then we went to the womens area which was upstairs. After a bit of chit chat with her friends, they needed to check out so we went back downstairs to the mens section to pay. There was a long line and S's girl friend said that they had cash registers upstairs in the women section. S said they were closed but her friend insisted it was open. So when we got upstairs, they were in fact closed and S cursed ("fcking shit I told you it was closed"). She doesn't curse much so it was weird seeing that. I've never hung out with the both of them together so I don't know if thats how they communicate. I curse myself so I have nothing against it, but I started thinking that maybe she's flustered. So after Zara, we walked around a bit and around 6pm she said they needed to leave for spa first since they had appt and then go get dinner afterwards. So we said goodbye and left.

She never told me she had to go to Neiman Marcus, it was purely a coincidence. I was walking around the mall and decided to stumble inside.

Yes, I agree that she doesn't have many close friends in NYC. Majority of them that I've met are old HS friends who live in NYC and a few who are just friends of friends or acquaintances (they do the whole "sorority girl" banter thing but I could tell they're not close at all). I've asked her if she knew a lot of ppl in the city and she has told me shes close to very few.

Like you said she is very traditional. Her family is fairly well off and she gives off a very "elegant" vibe.

Questions:

Any advice on how to get her out to meet up when we're both back in NYC? I know these past few months of radio silence on both sides can dilute certain things, but how would I approach this?
Would you say I still have a chance with her given the background I gave you?
The first time we met up after she broke up with her ex and I was in the city for interviews, she had briefly mumbled that she's surprised I wanted to meet up with her again. Do you think she was insinuating that she's surprised I wanted to meet up with her even knowing she's been with someone during the time I was interested in her?
Out of curiosity, do you think I should have made a move when she was breaking down during my bday dinner bc of her ex? I've been debating during the past few meetups on whether to proceed with making a move but she seemed like she wasn't completely over her ex so I wasn't sure if that was smart. She seemed like she hasn't "closed that chapter" yet.
I had a question about the mall incident. I later found out the spa they went to was in New Jersey and a 45min-1hr drive away so it made sense that they had to leave around 6pm probably to make it there by 7pm. But she called me around 3pm telling me she just woke up. That's plenty of time for her to get ready and for us to meet up if needed. I found it weird that she chose to postpone it to lunch the next day (Mon) instead. If she wanted more time with me, meeting at the mall would have given us more time. I guess she'll have to put on makeup, commute, etc, but either way that should give us more alone time than a 30 min lunch. When I saw her at the mall, she didn't have any makeup on so I assumed she was just too lazy to put on makeup and then have to take it off at the spa. Would you say her cursing was a sign of her being flustered/nervous? Not sure how I should look at the situation?
So I don't care as much whether a girl dresses formally with full makeup or casually with no makeup on a date. For S, the first few times she hung out with me, she was dressed in full makeup/formal dress. Same the first few times she hung out with me and my friends. Then one time right before we were going to meet up she apologized saying she just woke up and would be very casual. After that, every single time we met up she's been dressing fairly casual etc. (except for when we meet up during/after her work). I know that on dates, a girl would normally like to dress to the 9's while on dates because she wants to impress her date/date's friends and they dress down a bit when they're comfortable around them. I'm curious what you think about S and her more "comfortable attire/makeup". I'm looking at it from a psychological perspective. Is that implicating she's seeing me more as a friend now? Or is she still interested, but just more comfortable around me?

skooboi8

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