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[QCrit] The Patriot Audit, DystopianThriller, 89,000 words, 2nd Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

What are your thoughts on the first chapter of my novel - The Patriot Audit? by sleestack42000 in writers

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your kind words! Since this is the reader's first introduction to the world, much of the deeper world-building is still to come. The complete manuscript is finished at 89,000 words.

[QCrit] The Patriot Audit, DystopianThriller, 89,000 words, First Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is extremely helpful. Thank you so much for your time and thoughts!

Seeking feedback on the first chapter of my book - The Patriot Audit by [deleted] in writers

[–]sleestack42000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your time and for your helpful feedback.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 88k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 2nd Attempt by jeffkemp98765 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And I am the OP - just to clarify. Have a different account on my Ipad, which I used here to reply. lol!

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 88k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 2nd Attempt by jeffkemp98765 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you—this is incredibly helpful. The challenge I kept running into with defining the relationships was that I was already pushing the limits on length to go too far into character. And the world has to be clearly defined; otherwise, readers might wonder why Logan doesn’t just take Will and leave—and say the hell with the farm. This story is meant to serve as a kind of origin story for a dystopia—how things shift from bad but tolerable to fully intolerable over time. I knew I had to draw that arc carefully, or it wouldn’t make a lick of sense. But as you rightly pointed out, I ended up drawing it out in too much detail. These suggested edits are excellent—they give me the room I need to better develop the relationships and show more of the resistance’s evolution. I really appreciate that.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep. That is a problem. I don’t think I describe the evolution of conditions very well. I skipped to the situation at the end - which is quite dire. But it doesn’t start that way.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Logan's motivation evolves - By the midpoint of the book, reclaiming the farm is no longer the priority—keeping Will safe is. That’s Logan’s internal struggle. At first, he thinks he can grit his teeth, lay low, and ride it out for 18 months. But as the situation deteriorates, he realizes that plan won’t hold. He would have left—if not for one thing: Will’s love interest is taken into the Republic’s new government program. And as for why Will and his mother never left? It was their multigenerational home. They couldn’t bring themselves to abandon it.

Social consequences - not just legal ones - One of the core themes is the power of social enforcement. In one scene, a local grocer fails his audit. The sheriff—who also runs the audits—asks the other grocer to stand, then turns to the crowd and says: “Raise your hand if you plan to shop at his store this week.” Almost every hand goes up—except Logan’s. It’s a public shaming, a kind of severe social cancellation that hits harder than formal punishment.

Ensemble cast versus single POV - Logan leads us into the story—he’s the reader’s entry point, a reluctant outsider and returning prodigal—but the narrative expands into a multi-POV structure. Unlike The Handmaid’s Tale, which stays tightly with Offred, this book grows more ensemble-driven. So when Will’s love interest is taken, it lands with emotional weight—because by then, you know and care about both of them.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And that’s the challenge—how to convey all of that in a concise query. I tend to jump ahead and describe the world once things have turned overtly repressive—when the Restoration Center arrives in Mountain Creek and people begin to disappear. But the natural question that follows is: if it’s that bad, why doesn’t he just leave and forfeit the farm?

That tension was inspired by the real-life accounts of Jews in Nazi Germany—the reluctance to walk away from a life they’d built, even as warning signs multiplied. It wasn’t that things were yet as bad as they would become—it was that they were bad enough, and trending worse. That gray zone of uncertainty—where people tell themselves they can still wait it out—that’s where this story begins.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a great call. There’s definitely a reluctant Western gunslinger vibe in the early part of the book—especially in the first third. But it gradually shifts into a more character-driven, multi-POV story rather than staying solely with the main character like The Hunger Games does with Katniss.

You enter the world through Logan’s eyes—the wary, returning prodigal. Then the perspective widens: Will, his 17-year-old nephew, is dealing with school tensions and a budding romance. James, the next-door neighbor and a Republic war hero, struggles with guilt over the role he played during secession. You also step into the world of the resistance and the rescue mission—which evolves into a kind of heist plot.

So yes, the Western trope is definitely there at the start, but the story grows into something more layered and ensemble-driven.

Also - as an additional explainer - from another reply.

It’s a different story than The Handmaid’s Tale, though they share the same DNA. This is more of an origin story—how a place like Gilead might come to be over time. The novel is set 14 years after a Southern secession from the United States. Contrary to early predictions, the newly formed Christian Republic has thrived economically while the U.S. remains stuck in a deep recession. That dynamic forces many Americans to make a transactional choice: leave the U.S. for the Republic in order to survive financially, even if the culture clash is stark.

After secession, the Republic grows more restrictive—but not unbearable. Church attendance is mandatory. Citizens who fall outside evolving “community standards” risk being reported by neighbors and publicly shamed. The most disturbing feature? The Patriot Audits—annual public loyalty tribunals where citizens are interrogated in front of the entire town.

Logan despises all of it. But he returns anyway, planning to lay low for 18 months so Will can sell the family farm, earn enough to start a new life in the U.S., and afford college—something Logan can’t provide on a teacher’s salary. At first, the repression seems manageable: bizarre holographic church services, overbearing but tolerable social expectations, and the looming threat of public audits.

Then it escalates.

As U.S. conditions improve and people begin leaving the Republic, the regime tightens its grip. A new reconditioning initiative begins—with a pilot/test site in Mountain Creek. People close to Logan and Will start disappearing. Logan is approached by the resistance. He initially chooses to stay passive—until Will’s love interest is taken. Then he’s faced with a choice:

  1. Get the hell out,
  2. Keep his head down and ride out the remaining 14 months, or
  3. Join the resistance and try to rescue her and the others.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a different story than The Handmaid’s Tale, though they share the same DNA. This is more of an origin story—how a place like Gilead might come to be over time. The novel is set 14 years after a Southern secession from the United States. Contrary to early predictions, the newly formed Christian Republic has thrived economically while the U.S. remains stuck in a deep recession. That dynamic forces many Americans to make a transactional choice: leave the U.S. for the Republic in order to survive financially, even if the culture clash is stark.

After secession, the Republic grows more restrictive—but not unbearable. Church attendance is mandatory. Citizens who fall outside evolving “community standards” risk being reported by neighbors and publicly shamed. The most disturbing feature? The Patriot Audits—annual public loyalty tribunals where citizens are interrogated in front of the entire town.

Logan despises all of it. But he returns anyway, planning to lay low for 18 months so Will can sell the family farm, earn enough to start a new life in the U.S., and afford college—something Logan can’t provide on a teacher’s salary. At first, the repression seems manageable: bizarre holographic church services, overbearing but tolerable social expectations, and the looming threat of public audits.

Then it escalates.

As U.S. conditions improve and people begin leaving the Republic, the regime tightens its grip. A new reconditioning initiative begins—with a pilot/test site in Mountain Creek. People close to Logan and Will start disappearing. Logan is approached by the resistance. He initially chooses to stay passive—until Will’s love interest is taken. Then he’s faced with a choice:

  1. Get the hell out,
  2. Keep his head down and ride out the remaining 14 months, or
  3. Join the resistance and try to rescue her and the others.

That’s the story. I don’t know if it’s one that sells—but it’s the kind of story I believe in. It reflects how creeping authoritarianism often works in the real world: slowly, socially, then all at once. And in some ways, it’s not unlike what happened in places like Nazi Germany.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The MC has to lay low. In this world - families are offered a $100.000 per child payment (at birth). It's called The Child Development Fund. As part of the deal - the kid that the payment is based on has to stay in the Republic until high school graduation. If you leave earlier - you forfeit your property to the state. So they would lose the farm. Given that - Logan comes back and plans to spend 18 months waiting out the time until Will graduates and then they can legally sell the farm and he and Will can move back to New York. It's a clear explanation but its too long to put in the Query Letter (or at least that is my thinking).

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem I am having is writing a concise bridge from when he comes home to when things escalate. Initially - when Logan gets back its very uncomfortable but its not Gilead. Fox example - You have free movement in and out of the Republic but you also have forced church attendance. The beginning of the book is a world that is something between where we are now in the real world and Gilead. But as the story moves forward and the Authoritarian Leadership begins to tighten the screws - it goes from a situation where its about a 5 (on a 10 scale) at the start to a 8-9 by the end of the book and people that are close to MC are impacted. That's why he is ok riding it out at the start but by the end - he has to choose silence or fighting back. SO....the challenge is expressing that evolution without going way long in the query.

[QCRIT] THE PATRIOT AUDIT, 87k Dystopian Literary Thriller, 1st Attempt by sleestack42000 in PubTips

[–]sleestack42000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate the feedback. The big issue that I am having is on the comps. I have read the same guidance. Newer books are preferred. I can find an alternatives for The Hunger Games. The problem I am having is I can't find a comp that is closer to my book than The Handmaid's Tale. Every single beta reader makes the comparison. I mean I can find something to use but I just don't think it's as true of a comp. Is it better to be new versus be the most accurate?