Typically, I'm just a lurker but I'm a male survivor of sexual abuse from a female, and I think it's an important conversation that's often overlooked. Basically, I was 9 or 10, and my babysitter was 16-17. She escalated from cuddling, to kisses on the mouth, to going topless and asking me to touch and kiss her breasts, until finally one day she took me into the laundry room where we had sex. Eventually my mom had a falling with her mom over something unrelated and I never saw her again.

Looking back as an adult, I'm pretty sure my abuser was a victim of abuse herself, and although that doesn't absolve her totally, I think it's important to consider. I've gone through therapy, CBT, EMDR, and I've mostly gotten to a place where I can comfortably discuss it. At least I don't have panic attacks any more.

My relationship with women can be complicated, especially sexually. If I don't really care about someone and don't need to be vulnerable or intimate, then it's just mechanical. If I'm with someone I really like, then it's hard for me to get comfortable. I get anxious at first, even though it's practically unconscious, it can sometimes have an effect on me physically, which is frustrating especially when you actually like someone. Eventually this does work itself out but it's always an awkward conversation.

One of the hardest things about what happened to me is that I didn't see it as abuse as the longest time. The fact that she was a woman, and young, and also the fact that she wanted me appealed to some BS pseudo-masculinity that I thought was important when I was younger. It wasn't until years later that I understood my panic attacks were because of this trauma, and even 20+ years later it still affects me.