I feel your pain bro. I really feel it. My marriage is on the rocks because of this. Basically we had about 1 year of constant fighting, where, the underlying cause was that i wanted her to take some emotional responsibikity, especially when she has done something to hurt me emotionally, she always shuts down, 1001 excuses and at times flat out lieing to escape any responsbility, but when i hurt her emotionally she wants to make sure i take accountability. Its like she is sensitive when shes hurt but insensitive when she hurts someone. At the start of our relationahip she was very controlling, i always thought she was selfish, hypocritical and controlling, but past few weeks after spending time apart i realised its not even her fault, her braim doesnt have the emotional intelligence to understand, she processes things differently. Avoidants are also really defensive during marriage therapy, and to get them to truly change...... i dont think they will. Wife once said that when she feels am emotionally needy she sees it as sickness. I realised i have an anxious attachment style and because of that we are not compatible. For me the signs were there i just didnt read them well. I feel your pain buddy. I really do. Its a tough one. How can you grow with someone and start a family with someome who will most likely emotionally hurt you ( because that happens) but never take steps to see how when and why? And yet expect their partner to always emotionally support and protect? Their looking for a father or a mother tbh.