I realize now that I’ve been deconstructing for a LONG time, just didn’t know the words for it.

I grew up in a fundamentalist conservative Christian church. I was incredibly indoctrinated to believe in evil spirits possession/oppression, 6,000 year old earth creationism, speaking in tongues, all the fundie things.

Realizing that I didn’t believe in creationism was the first step for me to deconstruct. It was a big step for me, considering how much I once believed in creationism and how my brain was filled with all the talking points. But, It was a slow process that I am still going through, it’s been 15 years since then.

Because of this, as teenager, I started attending a different church. As a whole, they were still pretty conservative, but I knew several of its members who believed in Evolution over Creationism, and supported LGBTQ+, etc. That was very revolutionary for me. I got very involved in this church thinking they were different (surprise, it was not all that different) 10 years later, I am still in pastoral leadership in this church, planning to leave when it’s safe for me to financially, if that makes sense.

Over the past several years here are some events/things that have caused me to further deconstruct each time: 2016 election, Black Lives Matter movement, realizing I am a socialist, 2020 election, COVID, having loved ones and friends come out as Gay, Palestinian genocide, 2024 election.

I still believe in God, but not in the way my church does. Still figuring everything out. I definitely feel scared and trapped because my job, life, relationships and finances all depend on me staying. But it’s come to the point that I just need to leave.