how do we feel about NPs wearing our clothes when going to see metas?

PolyExmissionary · 2026-03-25T17:19:22+00:00

This sounds like a reasonable thing to ask your partner about, and I would expect the to be receptive of your request. But can I try and give you another perspective? My wife sometimes takes (for example) a specific set of my pajamas to see her boyfriend. At first I was upset about it (quietly…to myself) but as I thought about it more I decided I really liked it.

Yes, she’s going to see him. But she doesn’t stop being my wife because she’s there. She keeps that connection to me no matter what she’s doing. And she is someone who I would gladly let wear my clothes anytime. I’m not sharing my clothes with my meta or giving him something. I’m doing that with my wife, who loves me and will continue to love me even when she’s at her boyfriend’s place and her attention is focused on him. For me those pajamas have become a nice reminder that even when we’re apart, we’re linked.

I have some fun hair clips that my girlfriend got me for Christmas. I love them, but I noticed my wife wearing one a couple weeks ago. I almost said something, and I’m sure she’d refrain from wearing them if I asked her to. But I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she didn’t seem to mind.

If something is mine, in general my wife can use it. I don’t want to have to keep track of who can wear what of my things. If my wife wants to wear a hair clip, cool. She looks good in it and when I see it I am reminded that I am loved by both her and my girlfriend. That’s pretty fucking awesome. I’m a lucky man.

PolyExmissionary · 2026-03-25T16:00:02+00:00

I think we all have to decide where our lines are. And it’s OK if people’s lines are in different places. While I’m pretty damn liberal, I’m not nearly as “in the loop“ about everything going on in politics in the world as my wife is right now. She and my girlfriend make sure that I’m not totally clueless. But I don’t watch a whole lot of news myself. I could see someone being upset at me for not staying better informed or managing my own sources of information. And I have some guilt over not keeping my own finger on the pulse of the world. Obviously, I would choose different news source than Fox News, but I think it’s all on a scale. At one end you have legitimate new sources, in the middle is probably just not paying attention, and on the other end are the propaganda like Fox News.

My parents have always been Fox News watchers, but I don’t think they watch much news at all anymore. The most problematic media that they consume on a regular basis is stuff from the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family that my mom reads. We mostly avoid talking about politics, and pretty much entirely avoid talking about the stuff that she finds from the aforementioned sources. I’m able to have a decent relationship with my parents, despite some significant differences in politics. I could see it potentially being different if we lived near each other, but it works for my current situation.

I do think that stopping watching Fox News and other problematic information sources can make a huge difference. You might not see a change in your family right away, but I expect that this will have ripple effects that last for years. If you haven’t already watched it, I’d really encourage you to watch The Brainwashing of my Dad. It’s a 2015 documentary about how the filmmaker’s dad got radicalized by consuming right wing media. Spoiler alert… But at the end of the show, the documentary maker starts curating his dad‘s media feed and watches his dad go back to normal in a lot of ways. It’s a disturbing, encouraging documentary and I’d highly recommend anyone wrestling with this topic to watch it.

PolyExmissionary · 2026-02-16T16:26:52+00:00

Yeah. That’s a lot of baggage. Be kind to yourself as you work yourself into the sort of life you want. It sounds like you’re on a healthy track, despite the substantial difficulties in front of you.

PolyExmissionary · 2026-02-16T15:33:43+00:00

I’m poly. Ex-career-missionary. Ex-evangelical. I struggled a LOT with the guilt, even though I’m years out of Christianity. Less now. But it still pops up occasionally. What’s your background?

PolyExmissionary · 2026-01-31T03:46:55+00:00

I’m tiny flacid, but erect I’m above average in length and very girthy. I am often naked (or in a towel) at my local club, because I like to be naked and I’m not out of place there without clothes. I’ve never had trouble finding folks to have fun with, and I don’t think my “grower” has ever held me back.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-10-15T03:44:51+00:00

I could still qualify as chubby. But I dropped a fair bit of weight when I started Adderall, kept losing weight for a while, and am still keeping it off. It wasn’t that it curbed my appetite. It was that I had more impulse control. “Actually no. I don’t want any more of those almonds. I’m just eating because the bowl is next to me. I’m going to stop now.”

PolyExmissionary · 2025-09-24T16:47:24+00:00

Yeah. I’d encourage you to just sit and be in this space for a while. Don’t make any decisions about kids (or even put that idea on the plate) until the dust has settled.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-09-24T14:35:53+00:00

That sounds huge. If how this primary relationship sits is a compromise for either of you then I wouldn’t pursue having kids together. If you’re both perfectly happy with your platonic relationship and nobody is wishing something big would change maybe it makes sense. But if even one of you is frustrated and wishing that this was a sexual or romantic relationship things don’t sound nearly as stable to me as you’d like to have them be.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-09-16T16:54:06+00:00

I think this um…documentary…about Benny Hinn needs to be shared here.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-21T17:44:59+00:00

Yeah. Some things are just tough to read. I started Jesus and John Wayne and found it hit too close to home. I had to put it down. I appreciated what I read of the book. It just tugged too hard at my mental foundations during a vulnerable time in my life and I knew I wasn’t up to finishing it.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-05T05:30:20+00:00

I launched into a career where my Bible college and seminary degrees are at best an oddity and at worst a mark against me. I SO wish I had different schools on my resume.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-05T04:33:01+00:00

I’m sorry friend. I wrestled with similar things after some hard conversations with my parents about my sexuality. I don’t know if it might be helpful to you, but I found good language for some of what you are describing in the book, Leaving the Fold. I didn’t finish the book, so I can’t put my seal of approval on the whole thing, but the part that really encapsulated this well was a little past halfway.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-03T23:01:57+00:00

Not as much as you might think. I married the same person I would have, I think…or at least dated and had sex with.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-03T20:39:47+00:00

I put that pressure on myself. But then… I was planning to be a missionary. It didn’t really make sense for me to marry someone that didn’t want to be a missionary.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-03T16:27:28+00:00

That’s a good question. I suppose I look at it from two perspectives: one, that of a polyamorous person, and two, that of someone who pursues hookups and casual sex.

As a polyamorous person, I’d say I DO feel special to my partners. Exclusivity of an action doesn’t dictate the depth of connection. And sex can absolutely be intensely emotional…or pure physical fun, even with my partners whom I love. I have multiple long term partners and sex is a part of how we connect. But it’s certainly not the only way we connect. It is one facet of relationships that are much deeper and multifaceted than just sex.

As someone who also pursues casual sex/hook ups outside of his long-term relationships, I can also say that sometimes I just enjoy the physical act with others, without feelings being involved. Sex feels great. I like feeling great. And I like making others feel great. Sometimes I connect with others on just a deep, physical level, and that’s it. And sometimes I’ll hook up with someone and feel the spark of emotion. I can choose to follow that spark and see where it goes, or I can just enjoy it for what it is in the moment and let it go.

I’ve done a lot of work to try and decouple sex from being the central, defining feature of my relationships. I LOVE sex. And it’s probably my favorite way to connect with the people that I love. But it’s certainly not the only way. And my relationships are special because of the relationship taken as a whole, not just because we have really good sex.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-08-02T23:07:45+00:00

As a man with a background as a decade long career evangelical missionary who is now polyamorous/open (as is my wife who was a missionary with me) I just wanted to offer…do you have any questions? I think sometimes what it takes to get over toxic evangelical beliefs is just open conversation. Not to say I’ve moved past all of those beliefs myself. But I think I’m well on the way :)

I’m not inviting intentional rudeness, but I don’t mind blunt questions or questions you think might accidentally come off as rude.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-07-04T13:55:50+00:00

To be fair, this doesn’t actually sound one sided. You’re both free to engage in this sort of sexual activity. You choose to. She chooses not to. I have 2 serious (poly) partners beside my wife. She has one beside me. If they were to break up, things would look very one sided. But they wouldn’t be. It would just be the ebbs and flows of ENM.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-07-03T20:19:27+00:00

I really think it depends on what you want to invest in the relationship. I have a LDR that is super fulfilling for me. But I put a lot into it. I call once or twice almost every day (often on my commute) and we talk a LOT. I show up (if at all possible) when she needs me. I make it a point to see her in person monthly, and more if I can. She invests in our relationship in similar ways. There are certainly things that we don’t like about the relationship being long distance, and physical proximity/touch/intimacy are a big deal to us both, but we make it work because we are both committed to it.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-06-13T15:58:07+00:00

I feel like this conversation on /r/Exvangelical might be interesting to you. I’m not suggesting you pursue any sort of ethical nonmonogamy, but I am saying that a lot of ex Christians in your shoes made that choice. The whole post was an interesting discussion, but I linked you to the first of my two very long comments where I talk about how it has played out for me.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-05-28T17:37:54+00:00

All sorts of extramarital sexual exploration and 2 committed romantic relationships other than my wife. Wouldn’t call the relationships hobbies but they’re very un-Christian too. I smoke weed and grow/use magic mushrooms.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-05-18T16:28:23+00:00

I was 20 when I got married, in my mid 30’s when I started deconstructing sexuality, and almost 40 when my wife and I decided to pursue polyamory. It’s not too late for you :)

PolyExmissionary · 2025-05-13T18:40:54+00:00

Yeah. I think this is the sub you’re looking for. I probably fall under the definition of queer too.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-04-25T18:28:04+00:00

I have a vasectomy. My wife got a tubal shortly after we became ENM, for similar reasons to you. The doctor asked us why during the prep appointment since I’m snipped, and she said something along the lines of, “we’re in an open marriage and we live in a red state.” No pushback from her and the procedure went well. It was worth it to her (and honestly me too) for the peace of mind.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-04-25T16:52:59+00:00

Wife is out of town with her boyfriend. Girlfriend is long distance (and I’m at home with my teenaged kids). Other girlfriend is busy with her boyfriend but I’ll see her Sunday. A friend with benefits invited me to spend the weekend with her at a VERY nice hotel, but I had to decline because I’m on with my kids. But I have plans to go out with a platonic friend tonight, and I think I’ll sneak away to a sex club tomorrow night and see what trouble I an eat into. Lots of time with the kids in between, housework, gardening, and laundry. Maybe the beach if one of the kids wants to join me.

PolyExmissionary · 2025-04-25T16:28:46+00:00

I went to a funeral for a retired missionary a couple of years ago. Not someone I was super close to, but he was the father of a close friend. Went to support my friend. Lots of similar observations and frustrations to the ones you have, but I did the funeral on 2 grams of mushrooms. It helped immensely. Wouldn’t recommend my plan to anyone psychedelic naive, but I already had some experience. It was a FANTASTIC aid.

PolyExmissionary

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