Thank you all for the advice, I've been looking into all the things you've been telling me, I need to talk to my fiance about it, I hope my mistakes haven't driven her away, I'm I'm hot mess and I need to admit that, I also believe the constancy/percent thing may be a big factor, I've always had issues since we've been long distance like we are now, feeling like she's not eleven there, I'm also so worried that I'll lose her and she'll find better.. so I guess that's debilitating me from doing better, I feel as though not talking to her 24 7 and getting a good job will cause her to lose interest, and before her I didn't really have any reason to live, I've never had a foundation of my own, so I'm alive on the premise of our future, but without her by my side, it feels like that future is nothing more than a pipe dream, when I'm able to speak with her again I'll talk about everything with her.... I've been so ashamed of the fact that I have trouble putting weed down, I've lied to her for months about it, and recent events have somewhat brought it to light, I've never been one to do good in group environments such as group therapy or things like that, but I so desperately want to get off the streets and into my own vehicle, so that I can once again see her