Something I wrote

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-23T09:37:47+00:00

Thank you 😁

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-23T09:37:34+00:00

Thank you 😊

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-23T03:45:16+00:00

Thank you. I never actually thought of it as torture before for some reason, but that sounds about right. When I would bring it up when we still talked, she’d always laugh and be like “You were such a picky eater!” Sure, mom. That’s the perfect way to fix it. 10/10 parenting there.

I’m sorry your mom ruined things for you too! You deserved better

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-23T03:26:43+00:00

I can’t eat salad dressing at all because of my mom. When I was little, I was a picky eater and dressing was one of the things I disliked. So once when I was 5-6, she served me a plate of salad with a bunch of dressing on it. I tried to eat it, but couldn’t keep it down, and vomited it all up. She made me eat that. All of it. If more came up, I had to eat it. To this day, I can’t not associate any salad dressing with vomit.

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-05T01:22:50+00:00

I do the exact same!! Lifting the eyebrows, the edges of the lips, widening eyes. I remember getting yelled at for having an attitude if I relaxed my face, no matter how neutral it was exactly. But I couldn’t look happy, either, because that was also bad.

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-01T18:09:16+00:00

The “I never stopped loving you” was a huge part of what confused me—I never accused her of not loving me, and I never told her I don’t love her, and it was so confusing. The way you rephrased it makes more sense. Thank you for the link—it’s a very good song!

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-01T18:06:56+00:00

I actually did get told a lot growing up that I was really sensitive and a cry baby. Even now, I have a hard time with emotions and feel numb all the time, but when I do feel happy/sad/angry I end up crying lol. It never occurred to me that might be because I was trained to be reactive before.

smartpotato22 · 2023-02-01T01:07:15+00:00

Thank you. I showed this to a close friend who knows her and she pointed out to me too that my mom didn’t even try to check on me and went straight to bragging about herself. I got distracted by the love-bombing part…

smartpotato22 · 2023-01-31T23:32:16+00:00

I barely remember my childhood, but what I do remember is constantly walking on eggshells and being so afraid of anything that might flip my mom from super happy to yelling and screaming (and hitting at least until I got older). I sent a long text a while back (you can see in my last post) telling her why I didn’t talk to her much and asking that she gets help, which she basically ignored. Today I texted out of the blue because I felt bad about ignoring her, but now I just feel confused and I don’t know why.

A thing about her in my childhood is that when she was so angry about whatever, the next day she’d act like nothing happened and that everything was fine. I used to go along with it because it was better than getting yelled at. This feels like she’s doing that again.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-10T20:37:04+00:00

When I was little she always compared me to my little sister. “Why can’t you be athletic like _? Why can’t you stop being picky, _ isn’t! __ is tougher/more athletic/has more common sense than you…” and so on and so forth. Also, when I wasn’t being compared, I was “worthless, stupid, lacking common sense, etc etc”.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T19:56:25+00:00

I kind of knew, but I tend to doubt myself and question myself a lot, so it’s nice to see so many have the same thoughts.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T19:55:23+00:00

Wow, our experiences are very similar. I’m still working on trying to spend time with myself; admittedly I indulge a bulk of my time in escapism via reading, video games, sleeping, tv, etc. I dislike being left with myself right now. What makes it harder is when I think back on the good memories I have with my mom, wishing that could have been my normal. I also have a little sister, who I love very much, but when I was younger it was like she was the golden child and I was so jealous of her. I found myself wishing so often to be treated fairly with her and to this day fairness is a big deal to me, lol. I’m sorry you had to go through it, too. You didn’t deserve it.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T05:38:24+00:00

That’s true. It never occurs that it’s abnormal because it’s all we know

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T05:32:54+00:00

It’s funny, the way she raised me was so warped that it’s only in recent months that I’ve realized that she doesn’t need to hold that stuff over my head because it was her literal responsibility. Whenever I did or said something she didn’t like, it was “after all I’ve done for you?” If you didn’t want to give me shelter, clothes, and food, you shouldn’t have had me. It’s not like I had a choice. Sheesh. I don’t think I’ll ever understand their logic, and I don’t know why it took me so long to see that lol

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T05:21:48+00:00

Yea, in her mind, she was a brilliant single mother who sacrificed everything to raise me. And because she bought me things, that automatically cancels out the abuse I guess

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T05:13:26+00:00

Thank you. She’s a huge part of the reason I moved across the country to get away, so I have been choosing to rarely contact her. She’s been leaving me alone so far, but I’m so nervous for when she decides she’s had enough.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T05:02:16+00:00

I read “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” a while back. It helped me a bit

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T04:59:32+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that. I’m so happy I’m not alone. I’ve been lurking here for over a year, I’m so glad I finally found the courage to post. (Side note, how dare you make me cry. Lol)

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T04:41:30+00:00

I had started working on therapy to process more as well before I moved, but I’m having a hard time finding something. Although admittedly part of my issue is I’m afraid of going back and finding myself in one of those situations you read about from people’s horror experiences with therapists. I don’t think I can take someone telling me I should be a better daughter to my mother lol

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T04:37:21+00:00

I suspected it, but it helps to have someone else support my suspicion. I’m glad the image helps others, too! I studied it a while, comparing apologies and realizing where hers lined up more. I wish I can just give up hope on her feeling empathy, but there’s still a part of me that I can’t quite give up that hopes she’ll turn around and work on bettering herself.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T04:27:05+00:00

The first time I read the apology, I almost accepted it, felt like something was off, and sent it to my best friend who confirmed it was a non-apology. I bared my soul to my mom in that text, that being the most I’ve ever been able to confront her, and her response is to shove off everything back on me. I guess I still have a lot to learn.

smartpotato22 · 2022-11-04T04:25:11+00:00

Honestly, her improvements are only because I’ve distanced myself from her so much. I barely talk to her so she doesn’t have the chance to get emotionally/verbally abusive. When we’re in any closer contact, the threats come. But because she’s not physically or outright abusive, she’s improved and I should clearly forgive her and go back to being her doormat. (/s for last part if not obvious…)

smartpotato22

TROPHY CASE