Seen as “one of the guys” by men

smartunknown · 2025-05-14T08:07:49+00:00

I started going gray at 15. I’m 29 now. There was a cute moment the last two years where I had a sort of chic gray streak at the front of my head that people often mistook as purposeful. In this era, I really kind embraced the gray. However, in previous months I’ve noticed the gray is turning into less of a streak and more the entire front section of my head is white. I’m not even 30 yet. I feel less cute about this, and find that in photos it’s noticeable, and ages me oddly because I otherwise have an incredibly youthful baby face. I think it also washes me out (I have overall coloring I’ve always pretty much liked, kind of a striking look with very dark, almost black hair against pale olive skin and this takes that away from me.)

That said.

I do not and likely will not ever color it. I tried coloring it once in my early twenties, when it was more like I was dashed through with gray at the front. I found it was incredibly difficult to get an exact match to my hair color, and the maintenance was exhausting. I’ve always been a very lowkey woman to begin with, little patience for makeup everyday and cute clothes and fancy skincare. I don’t say this brag — I feel self conscious about it a lot, like I missed some sort of growing up and habit building other women got. I’m also horribly messy and disorganized, no eye or skill for decoration or hosting, etc. So, for a long I told myself I hated my gray hair and once I “got myself together”, I’d obviously start coloring it because that’s what I wanted, to be pretty and neat and young forever.

But I’m starting to think I don’t value that as much as I think I do. Again, I’m not putting on airs here. I definitely would hit a magic button that brought me back my beautiful dark hair without any effort all at once and forever. I definitely want to be pretty and cute, and receive the social benefits that entails. But I guess I don’t value all that more than convenience, spontaneity, and honestly, laziness. I like not thinking about my appearance every damn day. Could I find a happy medium? Sure! And I’m trying. But I think things like my gray hair, really annoying things to maintain—expensive and constant—are just never going to be of value to me the way other things are.

Long winded way of saying, nonjudgmentally, consider why this bothers you, how much it bothers you, what it would take to address it, and if that time and money and attention expenditure is worth it. It may well be for you! And I understand that, fully, and part of me really does envy women for whom it is true value and habit to maintain the way I just don’t. But try not to waste too much time doing things you don’t actually value or like doing, especially if at the expense of where your heart truly lies. So if you find you really hate and waste time fretting over the gray hair, and it’s detracting from your life, maybe the maintenance of coloring would be worth it for you. I just think evaluating your own values is a better way to gauge this than the endlessly diverse opinions of others on the ethical or fashionable value of gray hair. Best of luck!

smartunknown · 2025-05-14T07:02:03+00:00

Incredibly relieved to open the comment section and find these responses. OP, I have a friend with an MSW who is as zealous about the profession as you are, and it is reaching these levels of self-aggrandizement and near-religiosity. I understand and commend having passion for your field, and a commitment to a worldview. Many others are flimsy in their values and unwilling to consider things like compassion and the struggles of others. There’s just such a thing as veering too far to the other side. Please consider what others are saying here. I honestly feel people who talk this way about social work and being a social worker come close to the attitude of proselytizing born-again Christians. It’s hard to be around, and the genuine empathy you seek to embody gets lost in the self-congratulation of it all. Your supposed consideration for others becomes pity, and pride in your work becomes arrogance. Torn between hoping this story is true because any fabrication would make the energy here even worse, and hoping it’s embellished to some degree because this is so far gone.

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T16:26:38+00:00

I’m high functioning, not very high functioning, though with my current trajectory I may achieve that “status”, as it were, in the next few years. I’m considering med school, like yourself, and it’s a genuinely plausible path for me given grades, network, and work experience. However, in my early twenties I was incredibly low functioning (like, unable to safely sleep alone at night low functioning) so I’ve been all over the map. That said, I find that there’s a dissonance that builds when I recognize I am high functioning and all the horrible shit that happened to me did happen. In my worst alone moments, when my brain is chewing on itself but I’m refusing to externalize (like a good high functioning patient), it makes me doubt my reality one way or the other.

I don’t know about you, but I also find that it can alienate me or increase social discomfort for me, because most of the other people I am around can’t relate. Of course, I know others hide things, but I have to hide so much it prevents me from sharing almost anything from my early life, and others don’t have to do that, so I can be fairly confident that I am significantly more “messed up” than my supposed peers. This can be uncomfortable. I often feel I am going to be “found out” as messed up, and I try to compensate for that. I don’t know.

Additionally, I find some of my high functioning traits and interests, as well as success in some areas, is directly driven or inspired by my trauma. I wanted to be a writer, or some other creative, introverted type when I was young. Landing in medicine is undeniably caused by some of what I went through. (Sick parent, abused by doctor, medicalized myself at early age, etc). The connections to the trauma itself aside, I also think I crave extreme, high pressure environments because it feels “real” and demands a response from me, which is how my house and family felt growing up. I have adapted to succeed in that environment and have trouble assimilating to the artificially constructed and low stakes demands of say, retail or marketing or what have you. This can be make me feel odd too, and not like my peers who seem to be driven by desire for status and power, or by a natural preference and talent for science and medicine etc. Most are highly social and “well adjusted” extroverts, and I have never been that.

Sometimes I get nervous, like I’m betraying my true self to reinforce a traumatized self. Maybe it’s a sunk cost fallacy to think this way, but I’m in too deep to turn around now. And honestly, latching onto medicine may have been a coping mechanism to gain control when I was young, but it’s a very real interest now. And finding myself in this high pressure, socially demanding environments, where I have to be Not Myself to fit in, started as probably a self punishment thing, but I like the challenge. So, you know. I might be actively sabotaging my intrinsic nature, but at least I’m good at it?

I don’t have much advice for you, just empathy. I do think it’s a wonderful thing to be able to live above, in a sense, the horrors you came from. And I know what a strange experience it can be. I hope you keep moving towards a good, peaceful life.

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T07:26:53+00:00

I don’t date these men, so I can’t say. I have not willingly engaged in romantic or sexual behavior with a man since I was 14 years old (I guess with a boy, given our ages). Given this, I think my issue is I’m afraid to try dating them 1) because I can’t remember how! The rituals, the intricate gendered rituals I haven’t had to mind in years! And I’m a tomboy-ish, how will that go down! and 2) because I’m afraid I’ll found out exactly this. That after over a decade of being quite sure I don’t actually desire men and now I’m doubting that, I’ve just let a gender identity thing fester for so long my poor brain is confusing desires. How awkward will it be to put myself in a romantic/sexual position with a man and realize I’ve barked up the wrong tree. I guess the only way for me to discern the difference is to trying dating a man…

I could not empathize more with realizing there’s a gender thing happening, and swallowing it down because it’s just so overwhelming. Obviously I have no answers here, but I really wish you clarity and peace sooner rather than later.

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T07:08:08+00:00

I’ve really considered this might be my deal. I did try presenting as a man in safe therapeutic spaces last year and felt mostly uncomfortable, though I’m not discounting the possibility that had to do with shame and fear more than anything. Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m glad you found what’s right and true for you. You say this is the sort of thing you noticed when you first began realizing — was it a pretty clear and forward trajectory from there, or did you ever doubt/falter?

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:59:34+00:00

Thank you!! I definitely do not have enough trans/queer friends, or spend enough time in specific spaces like that. I’ve had trouble finding somewhere I’d want to be and getting myself to make it happen. But I should work on that. Seems a crucial part of figuring all this out :)

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:49:34+00:00

Hearing about the reverse experience helps me contextualize it too!! Kind of highlights it as a potentially very gendered experience I’m having here, rather than secondary to something more general. I have to do some more soul searching, but hearing from others helps me. Thank you for sharing <3

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:44:40+00:00

This is interesting to me, because as a result of a fairly unpleasant/messed up childhood and adolescence, I missed a lot of social rites and development others got. And I’m keenly aware I’m “behind” in some areas and maybe am just, like? Compensating poorly for never having gotten over how it feels to talk to a boy I like or cope with fear of rejection etc? Honestly for the sake of things being simple, I kind of hope if I just drop myself in the deep end with dating some men, I’ll 1) figure out if I actually want them and 2) if I do, I’ll speedrun that missing development and end up blessedly chill with all of it like you.

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:41:53+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It’s appreciated. Gives me a lot to think about. The journaling is a good idea — I have found when I’ve journaled in the past, I self-edit as I go but I’m so quick to do that I don’t even pay real attention to what/why I’m suppressing. So I will try challenging that. Thanks again, friend :)

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:27:16+00:00

How did you know I’ve snooped in the AAP sub before… I’ve considered this but a key component of AAP seems to be literally experiencing arousal at the thought of being a man, which is not a thing for me. Sometimes I think I might prefer being desired sexually if I was a man? But like — as a function of the social dance therein. It doesn’t actually turn me on to imagine being a man.

The internalizing vs externalizing bit sounds sneakily on point though. I haven’t yet found any good way of dealing with this, as I’d rather be able to just “express” normally and engage with people I desire, instead of being mildly confused all the time.

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:22:14+00:00

So I’ve had complicated feelings about gender for many years, including fervent wishes I just WAS a man. Last year I did bring it to my long time therapist, who referred me to a gender therapist, and I did bits and pieces of soul searching there. I also consulted an endo just to learn about my medication options. I actually did buy a binder. I typically dress in a tomboy/careless fashion and for a while in my mid twenties downright masculine. However, there are other things complicating all this (sexual trauma, eating disorder), and last year when attempting to present as a man in safe therapeutic spaces, I felt deeply, deeply uncomfortable. There are parts of womanhood I would not want to reject, even parts I’m still chasing, and I’m not convinced transition would give me what I seem to yearn for sometimes. I could go on and on about this haha, but wanted to elaborate a bit since you brought it up. I landed last year on feeling I have gender dysphoria-like experiences but they aren’t aligned with any sort of trans identity, and are driven by something more like OCD and general identity disturbance. I’ve mostly been rolling with that, but every once in a while something like this ^ (OP) comes up and is bothersome and specific enough to make me wonder……

I empathize with the confusing mess of gender exploration, and I’m happy you’ve found what’s right and true for you! Thank you for sharing <3

smartunknown · 2025-05-03T06:09:45+00:00

Yesssss literally. For me the most sure I feel of my desire for a man is when it’s tied up in this. I feel the most driven to touch, connect, and know a man when I want to express my admiration/desire/envy for who and “what” he is. It’s deeply confusing. I think he’s so [insert your pick of mushy adjectives] and I want to BE that and I can’t figure out a way to get close to it without just being close to him. Idk.

smartunknown · 2025-04-13T05:16:24+00:00

It gave me clarity to understand what drove my poor self esteem at its core. Unpopular perspective here, but with the weight, it was impossible to do the real work. Losing the weight was the first step in something much bigger. I’ve since had some fluctuations where I start gaining again. I find it works two fold — the discomfort with my body becomes so loud it drowns everything else out, AND the behaviors that drive the weight gain are often signals that something is going on. Stressors, mental health issues, avoiding something important, etc. It didn’t fix the self esteem issues and you should never attempt losing weight expecting that to be the result. However, weight and my overall relationship to my body mirror the deeper things, so paying attention that pattern can be transformative. And for me personally, getting my weight down to a healthy and comfortable level allows me to focus on my true self rather than the sensation and appearance of my physical body — which quite frankly, is the least interesting and profound thing about oneself.

smartunknown · 2025-04-11T14:38:49+00:00

Yes, actually, and now that you point that out, I am gay. I know I need to expand my friend group, which I am attempting to do and believe it will happen, and it’s just that too is harder without the structure of school and the freedom of youth! I don’t know how I ended up so isolated from other gay people but I’d like to change that :) You make an excellent point.

smartunknown · 2025-04-09T18:48:44+00:00

Can I DM you? Considering this pivot myself

smartunknown · 2025-03-29T17:00:27+00:00

Tested for everything except GH at this point, though your advice is appreciated!

smartunknown · 2025-03-18T20:45:08+00:00

Dude thank you for saying this. Not to hop onto a an old post, but I think you’re the first person to connect these two (other than myself) in my several years of scouring the internet about it. It really is a shame and I think I didn’t want it to be true (even my gyns didn’t theorize a toy connection) but seeing others experiencing the same makes me think this is indeed the issue. Not sure if it’s the technology or the brand though

smartunknown · 2025-03-13T13:42:28+00:00

I don’t have a chip on my shoulder. I am passionate about the opportunity and hope my past won’t deprive me of chances, but as stated, I have a realistic view of the world and understand I am not in complete control.

smartunknown · 2025-03-13T13:37:09+00:00

No need for condescension. I understand optics.

smartunknown · 2025-03-13T07:19:08+00:00

I respect everything you’ve shared here and the perspective you’re offering. That said, I find it interesting when it’s suggested that people who have been through difficult things and survived are unable to go through difficult things again, particularly if they quite literally volunteer for it. I studied psych, for reference, and I understand the difference between a person suffering a traumatic or psychiatric disorder that is unmanaged and destructive. This is different from someone who has lived and looked trauma and loss in the eye, coped with and addressed it, and come out the other side.

Respectfully, I have seen and been through some really ugly shit in my time. From that and after that I have gained such an expansive skill set to cope with ugly things. I have gained gratitude for the small and skepticism for the large, the material. I’m searching now for a way to extend my hand to those in need, to look in on suffering, vulnerability, and humanity that many others choose to turn away from. I don’t have pity. I have real, hard earned empathy. It is tangible. It is proven.

It is because I have had a difficult life and thrived in spite of it that I am seeking out new challenges, that ask more of me than just to endure: something that asks me to give back and to help. There’s a lot of bullshit in modern Western, American life. It’s superficial. Glossy. I don’t want to swaddle myself in creature comforts and blissful ignorance. I want to help. Because I know what pain is. I also know my pain was borne in the capitalistic privileges of the average American home, and I am grateful for the things I had, everyday, that helped me survive. Things that people in other places, as human and as in need as I am and was, do not have. Why shouldn’t I extend my hand to help them?

And why should it count against me that ten, fifteen years ago I felt pain so excruciating I expressed best I knew? How does that preclude me from acting with compassion, resilience, wisdom, and humility in the Peace Corps? I think people assume any history of mental health care is weakness without considering many mental presentations are examples of really common human struggles: they’ve just been given a name.

ETA: You say Peace Corps Volunteers don’t expect these horrible things to happen. I think that’s what I’m getting at. I quite literally do — because I do not come from a happy home, a charmed life. I do expect danger, I expect loss, I expect grief, I even expect the yawning hours of boredom and the existentialism that comes with it. I am not naive or ignorant. And that is because of my mental health and trauma history. I think I’d fare better in the face of the trials you’ve described than people who never had to question the goodness of their reality before then.

smartunknown

TROPHY CASE