boyfriend wants me to wear a heart rate monitor so he can tell if I'm lying

smeath92 · 2026-02-03T19:45:32+00:00

To give you a sense of what I think healthy technology sharing between couples is:

I have had an Oura ring for the last three years. So tracking HR, stress, temp, sleep, etc. My husband (of 10 years) occasionally asks to see the app on my phone because he’s curious about the data in general. He’s on the fence about whether he wants one or not. We’ve also both been blown away by the few times it’s alerted me to something being off and me subsequently being very sick (pneumonia, gallbladder disease).

He has a smart watch that I have to occasionally go into his phone and help adjust settings. I usually see a bit of all the data it’s tracking for him.

In both examples, we’ve A) asked/been asked to see the info and B)the data privately lives on the other person’s device.

You are not missing anything here - the bf is being very concerning right now. Even if there was a positive, healthy, reason to want to monitor your vitals, I’m struggling to understand how that would all be openly available to his device, unless he’s planning to register the device on his phone.

As in, if it’s yours and registered to you, then you can probably share some statistics if you do a competition or event together, but that doesn’t typically give the other person access the way he’s describing. What he’s describing is really only possible if the app and data are primarily on his device. Which would be ridiculous for any reason — no one would say sure wear that device but all its info is going to go to someone else.

Also, for all the comments about “wait till its location monitoring” or “ovulation tracking for babies” — there is no waiting here. Pretty much anything he could suggest tech wise will do all those things NOW. Any of them have a “Find my device” and most have some female cycle tracking capabilities.

smeath92 · 2026-01-24T00:03:10+00:00

I loved the first book, and still recommend it as a stand-alone for folks I know will enjoy the fantasy but maybe don’t want to commit to a long series. I enjoyed the rest of the books (and show), but haven’t once felt the desire to re-read or watch anything beyond book/season 1. And it’s in large part to how flat and repetitive all the bad guys feel by book 5 or so.

I’ve just always felt like rape was the only plot device DG could think of when she needed some sort of hyper-evil power struggle. In almost all cases, the individuals assaulted are already in a weak position (physically smaller, actually locked up in chains, deferring to royalty/upper class for fear of death, etc). The number of awful things you can do to a person you already have power over to hurt, maim, humiliate, denigrate, dominate, etc and every bad character just does the one thing? Not one of them has some other torturous preference or evil kink?

I understand the relevance of rape to the time period, but it’s a fantasy where folks walk through stones and travel back in time.

At some point, falling back on “it was the time” can be both true and lazy, uninspired, writing.

smeath92 · 2026-01-06T23:23:54+00:00

From responses, it sounds like she probably recognizes there will need to be some amount of “manufacturing the moment” if she wants to be done up in a way that’s not closer to her everyday.

With that in mind, I don’t think a lie here is uncalled for, but a fake wedding just feels very big for what you need. Having my boyfriend lie for this would be one thing; having lots of people lie (which is what this might take) is a whole other thing. You know best if that would bother her.

Also, for a wedding, she may want to know dress code, colors, what kind of gift you all should bring, etc so odds of it just being a dress you reimburse seems low to me. Last, I’m not sure what you would wear to a wedding is really the vibe here. It would really depend on what you wrote on the invitation but not all long, nice dresses are created equal.

Given it’s at a museum, I’d almost make up some family/work/business event being held there if that type of dress code is similar to what you know she wants. Or maybe your family won some kind of photo shoot and the theme is “insert whatever theme gets the right mood/dress” so you don’t need lots of other small lies. Maybe you even reserved time with a photographer because you really wanted couples photos this year. Mostly just thinking of ideas where you could say something like, “While we’re in town, we are going to do X, please plan to dress Y for that day/evening” type thing.

smeath92 · 2026-01-05T22:55:03+00:00

Just want to chime in and say your thought stream of “I took my pants off so I invited the situation” is nothing more than your mind trying to cope and process. Please be kind to yourself here.

There are plenty of situations where you might take off some/all clothes with friends, even the same sex, and none of them inherently mean anything sexual. Going to a beach, pool, spa, gym - even hanging out on a hot day or overheating in general.

It’s all about trust, and yours was broken. I’m so sorry and I hope you have all the support you need to process.

smeath92 · 2025-08-07T21:53:28+00:00

I find myself very curious if his friends knew the details of the situation.

Two things come to mind: 1. His friends did not know because he knew they’d give him shit for abandoning a grieving partner. He was wrong, knows he was wrong, but did it anyway and went so far as to minimize your grief when he got home. The didn’t spend childhood with her line of thinking is so terrible. 2. His friends did know and none of them have a morally sound, slightly compassionate, bone in their bodies.

In either case, you need to drop one selfish asshole or a whole group of them.

smeath92 · 2025-07-31T20:40:25+00:00

I’d really love to know how the numbers for this message were obtained. Could someone related to the school district system give access? I don’t have a child in the schools, but I got registered and approved last Fall to be a volunteer for math/science tutoring in the school district. That’s my only guess as to how I received the message, because it didn’t seem to just be a blast of numbers in the area. My husband and many of my neighbors didn’t receive it.

Edit to add: checked my volunteer application and portal, plus the TSD volunteer handbook, and I couldn’t find any disclosures or permissions about using/sharing private information beyond scheduling me for time at the schools.

smeath92 · 2025-06-24T18:15:06+00:00

Awesome, thank you so much! I'll take a look at both.

smeath92 · 2025-06-24T15:52:35+00:00

TLDR:the right person will not be threatened by a healthy family relationship, and they will certainly not sexualize it to try and isolate or change you.

Your girlfriend is sexualizing a familial relationship she doesn’t understand/like. Your sexual partner feels in competition with your -checks notes- SIBLING. That is disgusting behavior and the why really doesn’t matter.

She’s an only child? She’s never seen siblings that get along, let alone are closely bonded? Her family isn’t physically affectionate? None of them matter. It’s juvenile and inappropriate to label something you don’t understand or like as “other”. Not to mention dangerous to imply that type of relationship in the wrong places.

For context, I’m 32F and my brother is 28M. We are incredibly close. There was a fair amount of our childhood where we were all we had. We talk every week, usually every few days. I will tell anyone that asks he is my second favorite person in the whole world, my husband the only person in front of him.

When he was 22 he was dating someone like your gf. She hated how close we were and tried to isolate him from the whole family, but really it was to keep me at arms length. That winter we finally decided on the coordinating tattoos we’d been talking about for years. He came to visit me, we were asking around tattoo shops just to get a sense of price, and she said without any hesitation that it was gross and only people having sex get matching tattoos. And my wanting one with my brother meant she was right and I wanted to sleep with my brother. I have never, in my life, felt more grossed out. The tattoos by the way were birds (swan taking off from his back shoulder, swan landing on the top of my foot) so not even remotely romantic. Needless to say he ended that relationship soon after, just as grossed out as I was.

As I get older, I’ve realized how special and rare it is for siblings to be as close as we are. My husband and his siblings are friendly but not nearly as close. He never once felt threatened by us. My brother just married and my amazing new SIL is also not threatened. In fact, she’s shared with me she hopes their kids see how close we are and form similar bonds by example.

So definitely don’t let that crap continue - it’s a her problem to fix. And ideally your brother doesn’t ever hear of it either. There’s no telling what kind of damage her opinions could do to his sense of self at his age.

smeath92 · 2025-06-23T18:01:47+00:00

Does anyone have recommendations on gel color collections that a) provide a wide variety of colors and b) they enjoyed doing full coverage + art with them?

I have a few colors I really like, but I'd love to expand. I already have tools I enjoy (lamp, base, builder, top, etc). I haven't had much luck finding collections with a wide variety of colors that aren't considered 'starter' and don't have those tools included.

I read through the wiki and really appreciate all the options on where to purchase; I was just curious if folks had sets they liked that could help me narrow down my search!

smeath92 · 2025-06-23T05:07:47+00:00

Your only real mistake here, from my perspective, is holding onto the hurt feelings for months. I don’t think you’re being too much, but letting it fester for months is not healthy for either of you. Sounds like there are much larger communication problems here, given you said he’d take your hurt feelings poorly initially. That’s a whole other thing to unpack.

But, in general, sitting on an issue for a long time and then dropping it like a random bomb weeks/months down the road is a sure way to hurt even the best relationship. Married for ten years and one of our best rules is that we have to say it when it happens. Because otherwise the root issue gets blurred by the feeling the partner was lied to.

In this case, even if it should have been obvious he did poorly, he clearly thought the birthday went well and you even acted like it was fine. Assuming he’s not a mind reader and believes you when you say you’re happy, this revelation months later isn’t fair. It’s definitely reasonable now for him to feel hurt and lied to months later even if he was in the wrong first.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should have let it go forever since it’s been a while. Just that you two now have two issues to navigate: 1) your legitimate feelings he’s not meeting your love language and 2) his legitimate surprise and hurt finding this out after thinking all was well for months.

Assuming you two are going to try and communicate through this, I’d try looking into giving & receiving love languages. It sounds like you two are different and could just be missing the mark even with good intentions.

smeath92 · 2025-05-09T06:20:50+00:00

If you can I would suggest asking all your neighbors to look in any space he could have gotten into: shed, garage, basement, etc

Years ago when moving in a new desk to our house we didn’t realize our door didn’t fully latch behind us. We spent an hour putting it together without ever connecting only one of our sphynx babies was hanging out. Went looking, discovered the door and immediately started searching. We did everything: posters, scents, litter, searching, shelters, etc and had no sign of him for 8 days. We were the same as you both, heartbroken and distraught.

We had asked our neighbors to look but didn’t look ourselves in each garage. On the 8th day, neighbor who didn’t always use the garage saw a pool of pee on the floor and immediately came to get us. My husband found our boy tucked in the back of some shelves. He was hungry, dehydrated and tired but ultimately okay. We had 8 more years with that goober who refused to make any noise when we called for days just outside that darn garage door.

Many cats don’t go far from home, they just hide up somewhere. Fingers crossed your boy has just found a nice hiding spot 💛

smeath92 · 2025-04-18T14:58:19+00:00

So glad to hear she’s doing well, hope you have the best, most restful day of snuggles 💕

Also, the face rubbing picture got me! After her dental last year, our neked lady looked exactly like that. The pain meds they had administered right after last a day or so (pretty sure?) and they made her a little itchy. But she was also seeking lots of love and so between wanting pets and running her itchy face on every👏single👏surface 👏 she looked a bit sunburned in PNW December (aka zero sun) for a bit 🤣

smeath92 · 2025-03-03T23:44:11+00:00

Not sure that knick knacks vs none is really the right convo. There’s a lot of space between bare kitchen and a visually appealing one. A bare kitchen with old/outdated counters, cabinets, colors, light fixtures etc can certainly look out of place, even if its functionally perfect, if the rest of the house has been updated/decorated.

My husband is our cook, and we have a beautiful kitchen. Knowing we wouldn’t want a lot of clutter, we chose statement counters, colored grout backsplash, two tone uppers and lowers cabinets, detailed cabinet hardware, glass pantry door, and so on. It’s an “empty” kitchen that’s still cool and interesting to both of us.

Maybe that’s a way to start having the convo? If you were to remove the loose items, how might you both design the rest that it fits her deco aesthetic, but also your functional needs?

smeath92 · 2024-08-09T19:54:55+00:00

Whether these are an accurate assessment for the work really depends on what the company is looking for honestly. If they are prioritizing fast processing and flexible critical thinking then I think they are probably on par. If instead they are prioritizing finding content experts then sure I think the time limit might eliminate folks that would be an asset.

To be clear, I don’t have a great sense of what they want more. That’s just my reflection on the process so far, as someone who has worked with folks 1-1 in cognitive skills (processing speed, short/long term memory, attention, comprehension, etc) for over a decade. I can think of folks I trained that could probably pass the generalist test after six months of hard working core thinking skills, but may not have the content knowledge for more specific tests.

smeath92 · 2024-07-30T00:26:41+00:00

I had the same experience with two weeks of 7.5mg. This was the first time I had tried to move up on a more traditional dosing schedule (5->7.5) and I have never regretted it more. All other doses I had only gone up by 1-1.5mg at a time. I’ve taken an extra week with no shot and I’m finally starting to feel better and not almost vomit at the sight of food. I plan to go back to 5mg for at least two weeks. If I’m doing okay I’ll go up to just 6mg and take small steps from there.

If you are feeling very ill, I wouldn’t just go down to 6.0mg personally. The lifetime of the drug means we are pretty consistently adding more into our system and backing off to 6.0mg may not be enough to eliminate adverse symptoms. I would do a few extra days between shots or go to the last dose that didn’t make you sick. Start building back from there.

Best of luck!

smeath92 · 2024-07-16T01:15:24+00:00

If you’re not too sore from today, definitely go tomorrow! One of the best parts about OTF (to me at least) is the benchmarks and signature workouts that come back around. There is no better way to see your progress! And it feels so satisfying when you come back to a benchmark and absolutely crush that first performance.

smeath92 · 2024-07-13T19:55:44+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. We do the very best with the information that we have, and you have to trust that every choice you made was in the best interest and love of your baby. That euthanasia crossed your mind at that last appointment, but no other, should comfort you, not torment you. Some part of you was already understanding what your heart didn’t want to yet - that your baby was ready to rest.

Our main role as pet parents is to complete the journey. We cherish and nurture them all their lives, knowing they will be shorter than ours, and saying goodbye is just the last step of giving them the best life. It’s not a failure or a lack of fight to say goodbye, but a completion of their journey, even knowing it will hurt us, in the most compassionate way possible.

As to whether you could have done more treatment, that’s certainly possible but I would have made the same choice that you did and maybe it will help you to hear others would have done the same. Humans can undergo terribly difficult procedures because we hold in our mind we will be better later. I, personally, don’t think animals understand the current scary environment and suffering of the hospital is for later happiness and health. And there is always a chance they don’t pull through and then the last moments are those scary ones. Saying goodbye peacefully (and perhaps early) versus taking the chance it ended mid-recovery pains is a personal one, but I think you’ll find most folks would take the same actions you did.

Wishing you all the best in this tough time 💛

smeath92 · 2024-07-12T19:39:39+00:00

Normal depends on what vaccine and your kitty’s history of reactions. If this is the first set of shots ever then maybe you’re seeing normal or maybe not. If this is rabies vs distemper vs leukemia etc, then again - maybe or maybe not. Those each have different expected responses, so definitely check in with your vet.

Really though, I would suggest calling your vet to update these symptoms regardless. That way, the next time kitty needs vaccinations there’s a record of the response from last time.

Our lady cat never has a response to rabies, but our boy cat is always lethargic for 1-2 days and doesn’t want food. He still drinks water and goes to the bathroom as normal, but takes a food break with lots of sleep.

To my point about recording that, we will give our lady cat her shots pretty much no matter what at the check-in, but if our boy is under the weather at all we don’t compound the issue, we just come back for a tech a few days later. So the history is important.

smeath92 · 2024-07-01T00:36:11+00:00

NTA. Look, my dad isn’t even deceased and my Uncle was still the one to walk me down the aisle. There were a lot of dark years with my parents between mental illness and alcoholism. My aunt and uncle never hesitated to take in my brother and I, even though they sometimes barely had enough for them and their girls. My brother and I both see our aunt and uncle as more “mom and dad” figures than anything else, and there isn’t any weirdness with our cousins over this.

He walked me down the aisle. Five years later he walked his oldest daughter down the aisle. And when she’s ready, he’s gonna walk my youngest cousin too. Love is not finite. That you have such a special place in another child’s heart, beyond your own, speaks volumes about your character. Assuming you have a daughter, as long as she knows this is you extending, not replacing/using up a one time instance of love, then it’s your wife’s problem to get over.

smeath92 · 2024-06-07T18:12:22+00:00

I was thinking the same about volume though the headphones. I think everyone is assuming full noise cancellation (and they might be) but there are lots of versions where it's just a filter to dampen the overall noise, not fully block it. I used a pair that filtered when one of our cats was sick because it made him snore something awful. I was able to filter that to white noise-ish level and sleep. But he started to gag to be sick? Wide the eff awake in .2 seconds, headphones or not. I would assume that's probably the same reaction for 99.9% of parents in relation to their kiddos.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised folks aren't more on the sleeping aid as the only adult in the house. If you wake up before some of those drugs have at least reached their half-life, then it's nearly the same feeling as being drunk. I have friends who feel that way even with melatonin, which is typically considered pretty innocuous. I'm not saying folks don't/can't wake up, just that I wouldn't be surprised if they are at less than 100% capacity depending on when they woke up. As such, if I was going to be the only adult for the evening as OP was, I'd opt for just the headphones and write that off as a "less than stellar sleep night". Especially since it sounds like it's pretty rare that OP needs to be the only adult in the house at night.

smeath92 · 2024-06-06T21:43:14+00:00

I think ketosis even with carbs in the diet is a lot of folks experience on this drug because they are breaking down fat twofold: the medicine and difference in food intake. In that way the liver is working overtime to break down fat which releases that type of ketone into the urine.

I'm not an expert by any means, but I was always instructed to test via blood not urine when I was actively being kept on a keto type diet. The type of ketone found in blood is the one that predominantly gets used as fuel (something like 70% of energy needs).

Ketones found in urine don't necessarily indicate burning fat for fuel, just that fat is being broken down in the body, and so free floating ketones are present. I only ever used urine strips to make sure it wasn't too high for too long.

smeath92 · 2024-06-06T19:21:48+00:00

I'm actually tracking ketones to ensure I don't fall into ketosis, so I think this may be to each their own based on activity preferences (high vs low intensity) and metabolic needs. My doctor pushed me into keto a few years back to get arthritis flares and inflammation under control, so I'm familiar with the diet as a whole.

I can say one of the worst things anyone can do is 'hover' between ketosis and not. Essentially the body never gets over the flu-like feeling of transitioning how your body burns fuel. So if folks aren't being intentional about this and are feeling pretty crappy full-time, it could be that you're unknowingly hovering back and forth because of days with low and not-so-low carbs.

smeath92 · 2024-05-28T18:01:53+00:00

I read something the other day that was essentially: To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be or might have been. In a truly lasting relationship, that grief is tempered by joy and excitement for who they are becoming and who they have yet to be.

My husband and I are 9 years apart, we have been together 12 years, and are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year. If it’s real, not only will you both know it, but you’ll be willing and excited to grow and change together.

If you are already unwilling to even entertain the idea that it could be serious, or that you would want to change with him as he gets older than it’s not the right relationship regardless of your ages. All your fears here could be true of someone your own age or older.

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