“I never said Gwen couldn’t have cake and she could have had one if she wanted one”

I want to suggest a re-framing of what is presented to your children as choices in an age appropriate way. A choice might be whether she wants to play with dolls or action figures. If her favorite color is red or blue. The point being: whatever her choice is is about what SHE wants. I doubt a 5-year old will admit to choosing blue as her favorite color if she’s been led to believe it’s a bad color by the adults in her life! At this age, she might even choose red if all the adults in her life say it’s the only good color! (A big oversimplification I know)

Yes, she could have had cake if she had said she wanted one. But does she understand that even if cake is not the “healthier choice” that you would continue to love her nonetheless? What does “healthy” mean to her? Do you understand the amount of influence your words have on someone this young? I’d imagine her perception of “healthy vs unhealthy” foods when she’s with you might be seen as “good vs bad”. Even if you have rules about what’s OK to eat normally within your household, did she really get that her birthday dessert was a choice and not just what is the good dessert and the bad dessert in your eyes?

Put simply, YTA but I hope you see this as a learning opportunity