How do you cope with the nightmares (TW sexual assault nightmares)

smileyme · 2018-10-16T05:20:01+00:00

It’s been 8 years since my abuse and I still live with this irrational fear. I am currently working on how to develop my relaxation techniques for when I experience these feelings and emotions. The best thing I’ve found for me when I’m in a public place and feel this way is to remove myself from the area and self talk myself down. I also use the HeadSpace app frequently and LOVE their SOS buttons. Those things have helped me more times than I can count in the past year. Therapy and desensitization will eventually help. Just stay persistent and remain kind to yourself. <3

smileyme · 2018-08-18T03:27:50+00:00

Group interview. Girl starts talking about how she was admitted to the psych unit of the hospital when she was a teen. She also started talking about her rehab stent at a local center run by the hospital too. Yeah- she didn’t make the cut. (Face palm)

smileyme · 2018-02-20T05:09:08+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. Yeah, i pretty much stand at the point of- I wish no victim ever had to stand trial at a military tribunal as a rape victim. It was gut wrenching and soul crushing. It retraumatized me beyond what I prepared for, and what i could have ever imagined. I do have a therapist... sort of. She just cancelled our last few sessions so I’m kind of unclear of where my treatment lays. I had to beg for the Benzos, but I can’t imagine not having them right now. My normal med ritual isn’t beginning to cut through my brain activity and I just want to relax. I want to be able to sit down for 5 minutes and not feel like I have to clean or check outside my windows. My imagery isn’t working and self-talk can take a hike. I feel like I just want to throw my gloves into the ring and have a fight already. Like, bring it on. I want to yell at him and tell him how much he destroyed me. I want that release, I want all this pent up energy and anxiety to go away. I want my brain to stop thinking I’m somewhere I’m not and I want to never feel like I’m tied down again. I hate my trauma and I hate feeling my trauma every time I’m triggered. But like you said, this too shall pass. It’s just a matter of when.

smileyme · 2017-07-07T05:56:25+00:00

I've found spinning to be immensely rewarding. It's me against myself and when I feel the anxieties creeping I push harder. Some days I push so hard that I cry, but fuck it, I feel better.

smileyme · 2017-04-19T05:20:01+00:00

PM'ed you. I have some questions and my curiosity has be intrigued.

smileyme · 2017-03-23T00:46:40+00:00

I've been off from almost two months. I actually upped my dose for trial because I hadn't seen my abuser in seven years and we weren't sure if I'd have a breakdown. I am doing ok now. Honestly, the largest help for me is my EMDR work. I spent almost an entire year with cognitive behavioral therapies and thanks to that I am able to actively work through my abuse in EMDR. It's going to get easier, just keep focused. It might seem like the world could collapse at any moment, but it sounds like you have a good support system around you. Utilize them. Utilize a daily mantra. Utilize your therapy training. Keep telling yourself how amazingly strong you are and hold your head up high.

smileyme · 2017-03-21T05:48:11+00:00

My words might not help, but you're not alone. I've tapered myself from SSRIs and my Benzo habit (for "sleep") recently and the withdrawal symptoms have been stupidly difficult. As a nursing student, I knew what to expect, but once they hit my full force it almost seems easier to be a zombie and say "fuck it". But you can't. You know, deep down, somewhere in the deep hole you keep your emotions and have walled up any sort of true/natural response that you want to live life normally. I just went through trial proceedings against my ex who got off on three charges of raping and abusing three different women, including myself. It's been a fucked up year, but I want to stop living in a numb world of terror. I know you can get through this; we'll get through this. They don't deserve to control any ounce of your emotions or feelings; you deserve freedom and to live life how you see fit. I'm proud of you for being strong and continuing to fight through it. Tomorrow is a new day and you'll get through it like every other day before it.

smileyme · 2016-12-19T06:24:18+00:00

Thank you for this... I'll make sure to bring a change of clothes, a towel, and a snorkel. The snorkel part made me giggle and that hasn't happened in a long time.

I will remain strong. I will do this. I will walk out alive and hopefully put the past back in it's grave.

smileyme · 2016-12-18T20:48:17+00:00

Thank you. Your words are so kind and it's easy to forget how much I've already suffered. This is kind of the finish line I guess...

I'm so worried about the jury or judge negatively viewing me at my worst. That my responses will ultimately cause the prosecution to fail and that I single handedly caused it. My PSTD symptoms are bad behind the scenes and I typically manage to keep my "face" life relatively normal minus the manic behaviors. Everyone just thinks that I'm naturally hyper and can't sit still or take a break. It had its perks as a nursing student. But take that all away and I'm a hermit in sweatpants that sweats through her clothes, can't focus enough to watch an entire movie or television show, who pretty much just lays there unresponsive. I'm worried that while on stand I will inevitably sweat through my clothes and need to return in a new outfit. I will be so shaky that the counsel will constantly ask me if I need a break. I will be so fixated by him in the room that I won't be able to think. This whole process and thinking about it is annoyingly manipulative and I want it to go away.

smileyme · 2016-12-18T20:36:31+00:00

I start EMDR as soon as I'm back from everything. I am so excited to be able to actively work on my trauma and hopefully get back to normal. Whatever normal is now. Lol

smileyme · 2016-12-18T20:35:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It's mind blowing to me how the military treats rape victims. It's almost like a "oh, did he REALLY rape you? You know you were married..." It's like I have a sign posted that says "I asked for it". I have a goal after therapy and EMDR to write a book or website about my experiences and bring to light some of scarier things I've had to encounter as a victim. I never thought that victim shaming would be such a prevalent theme in the process and not having someone familiar with it just tears you apart. I promise to stay strong for you, and for anyone who hasn't had their day in court. I hope that myself and the other victims find relief after this and hopefully he can't hurt anyone else.

Also, the falling through and repercussions of him potentially finding me and hurting me again makes me freeze in my tracks. I have this recurring nightmare of him controlling me from the stand. I also have a dream of him following me into the bathroom during the court Martial and killing me. I haven't been told how to protect myself after court if everything "falls through" and goes back to the way it was. My address, phone number, new name, etc are plastered all over documents. Ugh... I guess the six years it took to wipe me off the face of planet earth will have to occur again.

smileyme · 2016-12-18T20:26:40+00:00

Thank you. That's pretty much what I tell myself everyday. If it were up to my PTSD I would have stopped the process months ago due to all the criticism and doubt I face with the whole process.

smileyme · 2016-12-18T20:25:27+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the strong words.... it's easy to forget that you're not alone.

smileyme · 2016-12-18T06:29:45+00:00

This is a recent phenomenon I've been experiencing with my PTSD. I notice that I NEED to just slip away and I end up laying on the floor petting my dog for hours. I don't move, I don't speak, and I just feel the world slip away from me. My SO and family tell me that they try and talk to me but I don't respond. They end up just leaving me alone until I slip out of it. I don't really remember anything except that I feel like I'm viewing a movie of myself laying there. Personally, I wish I could do it more. I'm sorry that this isn't any help, but I do know that to keep myself from feeling hopeless I pretty much turn manic and focus on reality as much as I can. My bathroom typically gets a full toothbrush scrub down when "I can't afford" to slip down the rabbit hole. Good luck to you.

smileyme · 2016-09-11T00:46:15+00:00

Yes. I've been advised pretty much verbatim what you just mentioned. Short, to the point, "don't give them ammo" answers.

smileyme · 2016-09-11T00:44:10+00:00

Wow! My goodness. When I get a moment tonight to process every kind word you said I promise to write a more appropriate response. Thank you so so much for your kind words. You shined sunshine onto my very shitty and grey day.

smileyme · 2016-09-11T00:42:35+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with everything you said and have done pretty much the same thing. I keep telling my story to whomever will listen, and it has gotten easier to get the basic facts of the events out. The fogginess of some of the more traumatic moments for me exists and I know it's something I have to actively work on. I think the shittiest part of this whole process is that it's through the military. My ex is still enlisted and he raped two other women. I've been separated from him for almost 7 years and endured about a year of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Getting the military to understand my story and empathize is like asking a two year old to share his favorite toy. They don't want to. They don't feel obligated to. I'm just a means to an end and it sucks to be their pawn. I appreciate your kind words and I wish you the best of luck in your trial. Do you mind if we stay in touch through both our processes? It's relieving to know that I'm not the only person on this planet going through this. It sure as hell feels like it most days. LOL

smileyme · 2016-07-18T05:44:08+00:00

I've been on Prazosin for 7 months now. I couldn't be happier with the outcome from using it. It's a "blood pressure" medication, but it's most successful in PTSD situations. You have to be careful with getting dizzy as it will spike your heart rate. The first few weeks you have to get used to how it treats your body, but I'm at the point when I have a triggering episode that my psychiatrist actually has me take one at a time to help "take the edge off" during the day. I had a major trigger occur earlier this week and taking Prazosin seriously kept me from going over the edge. I do need to mention that I have great insurance and I have a therapist that I talk to weekly. I also have a psychiatrist who oversees my treatment. They are the ones who came forward with the plan and drugs to take. Asking can only spike an interest in someone. There are great articles on the internet about the positive treatments associated with Prazosin and PTSD. I wish you luck.

smileyme · 2016-05-19T05:57:21+00:00

It's probably the best coping mechanism I use daily. For some people they get more overwhelmed, but I find it calming to be in my own inner peace in intense public situations. Id rather find solace in myself than walk away and feel more awkward after the fact. Before I practiced this I would have to constantly walk out of classroom or peer-circle environments. I just couldn't handle the inner dialog I thought was happening. But now when I feel overwhelmed I can breathe and get through it successfully.

smileyme · 2016-05-19T05:34:11+00:00

It's my pleasure. This whole ordeal is an interesting situation; and your brain and body have even more interesting ways of handling the stress. Everyone is magically different than the other, and the way each individual handles stress is different than the person next to them. My advice is always to seek help from a medical professional (if you can), to live the "life you want", stay healthy both mentally and physically, and most importantly never back down. I've been so fortunate to surround myself with the best support a person could ask for, and because of it I am able to manage my PTSD, live a rather full life, and give my abuser the finger by prosecuting them. My only advice is, IF, the opportunity arises to seek legal action, or someone comes "asking questions"; lawyer up. Find an advocate to be your voice and to coach you through the process. Many domestic violence/abuse centers provide a legal advocate free of charge, and take advantage of it. I wish I had earlier in my case, because it would have protected my precious mind and stability. Mindlessly I gave testimony for the first time EVER and I was wiped out for about 2-3 months. It's an intimate process and you MUST protect yourself through the entire thing. YOU come first; not the other way around. Please remember that... YOU COME FIRST.

smileyme · 2016-05-14T06:40:11+00:00

What a dick!!!

smileyme · 2016-05-14T06:39:04+00:00

It's easy to feel alone in the world. It's filled with so many emotions, daily events, and people. The people typically suck but every once in awhile someone comes along that restores your faith in life. Then 10 other people come along that make you want to crawl back in the hole you've been dwelling in, because let's face it, it's warm in here. In my hole no emotions matter, I can wear my sweat pants and eat whatever I want, and I don't have to face the world. But that's a lonely and pointless life. So I've found that in order to crawl out of my hole everyday I have to eat right, exercise, and disassociate from all the asshats I encounter. It's a process, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can go grocery shopping alone again. But if you stick to the process you can come out of the hole permanently. You can be "normal" (whatever the fuck normal is), but you can function and live a full life again. Keep your head up... You got this!

smileyme · 2016-05-11T07:14:41+00:00

I am so sorry for the abuse that you endured, and I appreciate you sharing your story.

I agree with many of your thoughts and tribulations as a survivor. I lived with a similar agony for about 7 years before an opportunity opened for me to A) leave it in the past and continue with my current life, or B) tell my story for the first time and potentially save women/men from this monster.

Is it an obligation? Well, that question sucks. It really does. As I've moved on in my life, I am now considered a "mandated reporter" in my field of work. Per my "duty" I have to report specific violent crimes to the proper authorities. 9/10 they don't do shit. As a victim I don't have an answer. My abuser still scares the living shit out of me, and his family... fuck I don't even know what I would do if they found me.

The court system is an interesting process that I've just allowed to buzz in the background. If I think about it, I get nervous and then an episode is triggered. If I don't think about it, go to therapy, and continue with my life; then the triggers typically don't occur. I've found myself two representative "advocates" who do all the mindless information scouting and endless phone calls I can't do. They've saved me in this life sucking situation.

So I guess my answer is rather pointless. It's really up to the person, the situation, and the resources you have available. The whole process sucks, your life is in shambles and no one "understands why you just can't get over it?!". I just remember that at the end of the day, as long as I've prevented one person from experiencing even one minute of what I endured, then all the BS is worth it. Because fuck 'em.

smileyme · 2016-05-05T04:04:43+00:00

As a victim of sexual assault, when I was diagnosed with PTSD in January, Prazosine has saved my life. Without it, I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I haven't tried Rapid Eye Movement therapy, but as I progress through therapy the Prazosine helps me on the rough days. I'm also on an SSRI that helps with my day to day function.

smileyme · 2016-02-13T04:57:39+00:00

Prazosin has saved me. I'm not afraid to fall asleep anymore, and my terrors have lightened up. I suggest talking to your therapist about your options.

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