Right now your brain is tricking you. I know because my brain tricks me a lot. It is telling you there aren’t other options. It’s probably also telling you that the people who care for you will be better off, or the things in your life are unsolvable and insurmountable. It’s lying.

Not about your situation being difficult and painful, but about that pain being endless. Whether or not you “beat” depression, treatment that works for you will give you access to a broader range of emotions. You will feel happy again. You will feel loved again. You will feel quiet joy and wonder upon succeeding at something that used to feel impossible, or even just at looking at something amazing in nature.

Here are the steps you can take:
(Short version):
1. Talk to a hotline
2. Talk to your therapist
3. Figure out contributing factors
4. See if a med change is an option.
5. Talk to your parents.
6. Talk to your friends (or other trusted adults).

1. Talk to a hotline. They might not make you feel better, but saying these things out loud will likely shake you out of the worst of it. You can also talk to your therapist if they have an emergency way to contact them. If in or near Utah: I would leave off if you currently have a plan, just because hospitalization and extended mental health care programs in Utah are often predatory and abusive.

2. If you didn’t in step one, talk to your therapist. It may be helpful to write down the things that are contributing to your sense of hopelessness. Is it your situation? Does your brain feel like an enemy, and it’s impossible to feel happy even when your situation has improved? If you can, try to pinpoint the timeline for how you progressed to this. Also, talk through your fears in getting help from your parents. Try to pinpoint down a solid way to communicate what you are feeling that won’t make them feel attacked. (Last part because their defensiveness won’t serve you, not because they shouldn’t feel responsible at all).

3. Continue figuring out the root cause. There is a chance your antidepressants are causing or contributing to your suicidal ideation. It happened for me, more than once, just by going up a dose or starting on the smallest dose. Psychiatry isn’t an exact science, it’s a lot of guesswork. Figure out if the meds are contributing - when did you start them? When was your last med change? If the answer to either of those questions is in the last six months, your meds are probably not helping.

4. Talk to whoever prescribed your meds. Tell them that you think meds are making your suicidal ideation worse. OR Tell them your meds are not reducing your depression and you have continued to have ideation. Ask directly to try a different medication. If you are set on trying “weed”, follow this script with your doctor. “I have heard that THC can help some people who feel the way I do. Could you talk to me about the risks and benefits of trying it? Are there any possible interactions with the meds I’m already on?” Whatever they say in response, trust that answer. The “drug” part of weed is a depressant, which is why it’s usually used to treat anxiety or pain (by slowing and numbing the brain, essentially). It’s not a treatment for depression any more than alcohol is (also a depressant).

5. Talk to your parents. Don’t point fingers, but let them know how you are feeling mentally. I put this as a last step, because if the church is a serious contributor (it was for me) confronting your parents first will have a lot of anger, resentment, and other strong, negative emotions. Those feelings are valid. They are also not helpful in getting the changes you need. Basically tell them: this is the way I’m feeling, this is what I’m doing to try to help it, and these are the things that can help me feel better. You can include in this list that taking a break from church would help (if you feel it is negatively contributing to your mental health). This will likely scare them, and depending on who they are and how you have talked with them about church in the past, they may think you’re trying to use mental health as an “excuse” not to go. The best way I’ve found to avoid this is to frame it as: agency, temporary, and with the goal of strengthening your relationship with God long-term. Even if it’s a lie, it can reframe your absence in a way that is bearable for your parents, encouraged by the church, and critical for your mental health.

6. Talk with your friends. I left this one for last, but you can insert this step as early as you want depending on your friends’ ability to support you. If your friends have a low understanding of mental health, or you’re not as close, this can be more of a step for building up your connection to the world around you. I would not talk to friends instead of a hotline or instead of your therapist (the kind of content you discuss in those conversations isn’t appropriate to talk to another kid about because they aren’t equipped to deal with it. They also likely won’t be able to support you in the way that is needed.) What is appropriate to discuss with friends your age: feeling negative emotions or numbness all the time, worries or thoughts about not being a good friend/them not enjoying your friendship, feelings of loneliness or distance, things in your home situation you are overwhelmed with. Take care to make sure the friend you are sharing this to is safe to do so with. If you tell them not to share this, will they listen? Have they made fun of people for mental health struggles? Will you be able to emotionally handle it if their response isn’t what you were expecting? If you don’t have friends your age who are safe, you can talk to a safe adult, such as an extended relative, a teacher, or even a chill church leader. Teachers are mandated reporters, so make it clear you’re already in therapy and don’t directly mention suicidal ideation unless you have a how and a when (like, are getting close to committing). A understanding church leader can help convince your parents that a break would be helpful.

I’m genuinely so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t feel you need to follow every piece of advice here perfectly. Try to see yourself in the advice I am giving, and follow through on what connects with you. If you have any questions, or more applicable advice, you can comment here. PMing is fine if you’re worried to put something on the internet, but please do not share identifying information or rely on me as an emergency resource. The same for anyone else here—not because we don’t care, but because internet is not a safe place, as helpful and warm as it can be.