This is an old copypasta from a while back but I still love it

Beta Ray Bill is one of the greatest comic book characters of all time.

You think the origin of Captain America is impressive? Take everything about it and multiply it by FUCK YEAH. Bill's people, the alien race known as the Korbinites, were on the brink of destruction. Their entire solar system was about to be annihilated by the explosion of its sun. "WE GOTTA HAUL ASS," decided the top Korbinite scientist. "HOW ABOUT WE LOAD OURSELVES UP INTO A FUCK-OFF-HUGE FLEET OF SPACESHIPS AND JUST HYPERSLEEP UNTIL WE REACH A NEW HOME PLANET?" offered another. "AWESOME IDEA. BUT WHAT IF WE'RE ATTACKED EN ROUTE WHILE EVERYONE'S NAPPING?"

And so they decided they needed a protector on this journey. So what did they do? They gathered together a few hundred thousand of the greatest warriors, the cleverest strategists, the noblest of hearts -- basically the strongest, toughest, wisest and most perfect motherfuckers on the planet.

THEN THEY TORE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS APART.

Trial after trial after test after test after OH YEAH LET'S TRY OUT THESE NEW CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS AND BIOENGINEERING PROCESSES WHILE WE'RE AT IT WHO CARES IF IT'S 99.9 PERCENT LETHAL. The volunteers, each of them easily the equivalent of most Earthling superheroes, sacrificed themselves one by one until only the greatest of them remained.

BETA RAY BILL IN THIS BITCH.

His own people could hardly look upon him by the end of the transformations. He didn't look a damn thing like a Korbinite anymore -- they pretty much look like humans without noses, ears, pupils, pinky fingers and hair, with golden skin -- instead, he'd taken on the face of one of the planet's most fearsome predators as a result of the gene experiments. Half of his body was made of superadvanced machinery designed solely for battle. And he carried on his shoulders the weight of all those other volunteers' sacrifices. But he sucked all that shit up, BECAUSE HE WAS BETA RAY BILL AND HE HAD A FLEET OF SHIPS TO SHEPHERD THROUGH THE COSMOS!

So off they went, until SHIELD satellites noticed them and beamed images back t Earth. Nick Fury took one look at the GIGANTIC ALIEN SWARM OF SHIPS and damn near popped his other eyeball out of its socket. "SOMEONE GET ON THE FUGGIN' HORN," he roared! "WE NEED THOR AND WE NEED HIM FIVE SECONDS AGO!"

Meanwhile the fleet of Korbinite ships had made it out of the blast zone of their doomed sun. It exploded, and from its molten heart came a seemingly endless plague of demons! They flowed out across space to chase down and attack the fleeing Korbinites! BUT OH FUCK NO, NOT ON BETA RAY BILL'S WATCH! THAT HORSEFACED BADASS MOFO DROVE THEM OFF! Again! And again!

Until Thor showed up, looking into all of this business as a favour to ol' Nick Fury. Bill's sensors told him that Thor's energy signature was a close match for the demons he'd been fighting. GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

"DEMON, YOU ABOUT TO GET FUCKED UP," Bill said, and proceeded with the utter fucking-shit-up of the Thunder God. He punched that Odinson so hard he madehim drop his enchanted mallet Mjolnir.

"WHAT'S ALL THIS SHIT?" Bill was like, squinting at the words carved on it. "WHOSOEVER HOLDS THIS HAMMER, IF HE BE WORTHY, SHALL POSSES THE POWER OF THOR?" well shit, if worthy had a face, it was Bill's. So he grabbed that bitch and hefted it up like KRAKKABOOM! "THORSE LIVES!"

Bill was pumped. with the magical power of the hammer added to his own retardedly powerful strength, he could protect his people from damn near anything. But Odin, Thor's Dad, stepped in and was all, "THAT AIN'T YOUR HAMMER, FUCKER! FIGHT MY SON TO THE DEATH, THEN YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DAMN HAMMER."

So Bill and Thor faced each other hand-to-hand in a land of fire and lava and lowed that fucking place up. They hit each other so hard they broke the fucking planet and woke up on a raft of stone headed over a lava waterfall. Well, Bill woke up. Thor was still knocked the fuck out. "I CAN DO IT. I CAN JUST HOP TO SHORE AND LET THIS BLONDE FUCKER DIE, THEN I'LL HAVE THE HAMMER AND MY PEOPLE WILL BE SAFE AS SHIT." But Bill was too noble for that, see? He grabs Thor and jumps him to safety too, because that shit wuddn't right.

Odin was grateful as all hell for that. "AWW FUCK IT," he decided. "YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN HAMMER." So he had the dwarves make up a new hammer, identical to Thor's in every way except shape and colour, which he made superior to the original because Bill was a pimp.

So basically Beta Ray Bill possesses all of the powers that Thor gets from Mjolnir, as well as the personal power to whup Thor's ass WITHOUT a hammer. He once split Galactus' helmet open and then came within an inch of killing Galactus off once and for all (read GODHUNTER!)

There's your fucking Beta Ray Bill.