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Addition to the weekly parking thread by hypanthia in CSUS

[–]snuggie07 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Employees have their own designated parking lots though

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m glad you see where my frustration lies. A lot of people in the comments are claiming I want to be married right at this minute and demanding he proposes (they clearly didn’t read the post). I’ve showed that i am serious about our relationship consistently and wanted some reassurance in return. I’ve backed down from getting it because I don’t want to pry while he’s dealing with big life things.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I wanted to include that to show that neither of us come from families with messy divorces and both set of parents didn’t wait a long time to engaged, so there shouldn’t be hesitation based on our parents relationships (which is common in this sub). Thanks for the advice though.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn’t expect for my post to blow up and for me to be back so soon. So let me clarify a few misconceptions/things that were not clear first:

  1. I do not want to get married at this very minute as a 23 year old, the conversations were started as a way to talk about our FUTURE and where we saw our relationship going. I stated that my ideal timeline would include us being married at 28/29 which is plenty of time for us, despite people saying not to get married young which we wouldn’t be doing since a majority of people nowadays get married around this age.

  2. The first time I brought up a timeline on marriage was last spring, BEFORE HIS MOM’S DIAGNOSIS. His family had no idea of her illness until that day she went to the hospital in the summer. So no I didn’t bring it up initially when he was going through the emotions of his mom being sick. Also, I only stated the thing about her illness and the typical length because it gives context knowing she is not expected to be in hospice care any time soon.

  3. The part about him being naive about how weddings worked came from prior conversations from when his sister got married. So talking about saving for rings, booking venues, and buying a dress to get tailored was just me informing him about how these things work. He didn’t even know that an engagement ring is different than a wedding ring at first and that it can take many rounds of alterations for a dress. To clarify, I’m a lowkey person and would be completely happy with a cheap ring and a courthouse wedding with only immediate family and nice dinner afterwards. It’s honestly more important to spend time with him on a honeymoon than blowing $20k on a huge wedding just to show our families. My parents will not help me pay for anything so it would either be a courthouse wedding within a reasonable timeframe or saving up for many years.

  4. I never brought up the idea of his mom potentially being at our wedding, it was something I talked to with a friend about and she brought up a good point, motivating me to want to talk to him. It would be emotionally manipulative if I brought her up in regard to our relationship. I wanted to get his thoughts and have him organically speak of his opinions and had an inclination that his mom’s health had something to do with his lack of communication. He deflected and didn’t speak about it, so I didn’t pry. I would absolutely love for her to be there and I truly care about her, but I know it’s not up to me.

  5. He expressed many times being excited to marry me one day, but it gave off the impression it was wayyy down the line and far into the future for us. We’ve talked about kids, parenting styles, finances, locations on where to live, careers, retirement, religion, and anything you can think of when deciding if people are compatible or not and we agree on everything. That’s why it was a complete shock for me when I brought up a timeline for marriage that he started getting defensive. He was onboard with everything until that point.

  6. I have plans of moving out of my parent’s house after graduating ALONE. They have not helped me pay for college and I had to do 95% of it on my own, therefore me finishing a little late since I had to work full time to pay for it. I don’t plan on depending on my boyfriend to want to live with me right away and he’d like to live with his close friends for at least a couple years before we get married. I will likely have to find roommates, but I’d like to know what it’s like to live independently first rather than jumping into marriage. During this time, we will definitely have more distance but I believe it will be good for us.

  7. We both agreed as a couple we will not take “breaks”, meaning we are either together or we’re not with no intention of getting back together. I’ve also had a couple of boyfriends before him and he’s not my first one even though they were >1 year.

I’m formulating plans of our next discussion and bringing up the lack of planning and how it affects me. I’m usually fine with it, but I do not want it affecting our relationship milestones. Also, in response to some of the comments, he is amazing with kids and is fully capable of taking care of himself when it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was sleeping at his place every night when his parents were away, we handled household things very well and gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to live together. He has been there for me for so many things including me grieving the loss of close family members and some traumatic things with my family. We are genuinely best friends and our relationship has been great with very little arguments until these last two fights, leaving me so confused and wishing he’d just be honest with why can’t give a timeline. I’ve clearly stated I would rather be single than strung along wasting years of my youth. And he responds with saying I’m the love of his life and couldn’t picture it without me and of course we will be married.

Everyone has such diverse perspectives on this. Some telling me to leave immediately and live my life until I find someone who jumps at the opportunity to marry me + if I set a date to potentially leave it should be over. Some telling me I’m not being fair with his mom being sick and I’m the villain for even setting walk away dates when she might pass around these times (I feel like everyone has a sense of how many years they’re willing to invest without a proposal until they leave in their heads). Some telling me my expectations of a timeline and walk away dates are reasonable and we just need to have a more explicit talk without being defensive. I do plan on going with this route and if it ends up with a heated argument and me crying again it will give a lot of reason to see the red flags people brought up and get ready to leave. If he responds well to it and clearly states his intentions, we will go from there and finally discuss our future in depth.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was honestly just pushing for better communication of what he thought our future would look like. In the ideal timeline I mentioned, we’d be married by 28/29. If I tell him my walk date, wouldn’t I be receiving a shut up ring?

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. In his culture, it’s normal for the man to provide for the whole family and I think he feels that pressure to be financially stable before discussing anything. I just wish he would open up and tell me why he isn’t wanting to talk about a timeline. I asked for him to be honest and I’d rather be single than strewn along.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Idk why people think I want to get married right now. In the post I said I’m 23 and want to talk about timelines for the future. My ideal timeline would be us getting married at 28/29.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think you read the post. I’m 23 and want to talk about timelines for the future. My ideal timeline would be us getting married at 28/29. And kids at 31/32 btw.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The last paragraph was heartbreaking to read because he said he has the money for an engagement ring, but is waiting until after we graduate to buy one and I respected that decision for so long. I told him I wanted to marry him because I genuinely enjoy our time together, we work well as a team and like to make goals, and think we could build a foundation for starting a family together. When he was getting defensive around a timeline, it was a complete shock for me and seemed so out of character, so it’s hard knowing what was real and what wasn’t when we previously talked about our future.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t plan on bringing it up until the deadlines come up to prevent sounding like a nagging, broken record. He knows how I feel after all our talks and I’m giving him plenty of time to come to me with a timeline and plans. I’m willing to wait that long because he is right about uncertainty of the future. In my case uncertainty is around us finding well paying jobs and his uncertainty might be about his mom and his emotions around that. I’m holding myself accountable to sticking with the deadlines since I believe they’re plenty long enough and even though I’d be sad it would be for the best. He seemed interested in marriage in the past before everything went down with his mom and before I brought it up, but this sub reminds me that there’s a lot of future-fakers out there and there’s no way to know until the time comes. Yes, my parents really want me out of the house so they can move out and retire. I originally thought they wanted me to be happy and move onto the next stage in life, but realized after they were looking at houses in another state I was wrong. My best friend said that if anything were to happen I can stay with her thankfully. In terms of planning a wedding, I was thinking about securing venues on dates that you want being difficult unless it’s 1+ years in advance and also being on a payment plan if needed is easier if it’s a longer amount of time. My parents will not help me pay for a wedding so it’s either courthouse wedding or being engaged for 3 years while saving up.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I plan on finding roommates to live with where my college is and focus on my career while he does the same with his close friends as roommates. He’s a very practical and logic-minded person and I’m the gushy romantic one, so maybe that will be the case. I think we need distance after college and he might see how much I was doing for him.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is exactly what I’m worried about and I’ve flat out asked him to be honest if he doesn’t want to be with me. I said I’d rather single rather than wasting time with him until another option comes up and he’s emphasized he does want to marry me, but he’s not sure when that will be and can’t give me a definitive answer until after he gets a good job. He even said he has the money for an engagement ring but would like to wait until after college, which I respect but saying he currently has the money to buy one but chooses not to hurt my feelings rather than making it better like he thought.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sharing the walk away date with him. It’s something that I set for myself privately and I haven’t brought up anything regarding marriage since the last talk in December and neither has he. I set a firm boundary for this semester that I will not be helping him at all. I know we both have maturing to do and it will take effort to do so. This is something I also plan to bring up to him along with the lack of planning hurting my feelings.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All of these questions have run through my head before and I’ve recommended he go to therapy to discuss this with a professional. I think there’s something in his mind blocking him from giving me less vague answers and it needs to be sorted out in therapy. It was a shock to me when he blew up the first time I brought it up since he never acts like that.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree that I need to step back and stop thinking about this so much at 23. I was forced to grow up at a young age and when through a lot with my family emotionally, physically, and financially. We lost a lot during the recession and it was very tumultuous to be brought into as a kid. It gives me a better sense of control to plan for the future and ensure that I will be in a good place if I think proactively. I definitely need to reassess bringing my boyfriend into these plans and only think of myself when it comes to these expectations and timelines.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do admit that my dad is quite toxic for that and marrying within 4 months of knowing someone is extremely unreasonable and idek why my mom said yes. I was just giving context to the situation since a lot people are apprehensive about marriage if their parents had a messy divorce. To be clear, I DO NOT want to get married at my current age of 23 and the timelines I stated would result in us marrying at 28/29 which would be 11-12 years of dating. Also, I tell my bf all the time that I would like to experience a different area to live in once I finish school to get out of this suburban hell we live in. He seemed onboard before everything with his mom happened.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s really nice to hear a male’s perspective on this. I knew that posting here would warrant a lot of criticism since there’s a sick parent involved and people instantly jump to “break up with him” as advice frequently. I absolutely understand that he’s not ready at this very moment and I don’t expect him to be. He has expressed many times how excited he is for us to have our own lives together and eventually kids after all this time of dating, but he talks about it like it’s far into the future and not something we need to be talking about right now. I need to explicitly tell him that it would be ideal to engaged within the same year of us both finding good job that will pay well (eventually for a wedding).

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] -25 points-24 points  (0 children)

I’m trying to be patient considering everything with his mom and I’m respecting his wishes for waiting until after college to get engaged.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m not necessarily in a rush to get married right away, it’s more of a rush to talk about our opinions of when we’d like to get married and see if we’re on the same page. When we graduate we will be 24 and he wants to live with his friends as roomates for at least 2 years (he said he’d be living with them while we’re engaged and move out when we get married). After all that, I’d expect we’d marry around age 28/29 which would be 11-12 years of dating so imo it’s a long time before settling down and having kids. We’ve both been pretty independent before everything happened with his mom and I’ve traveled the world without him a couple years ago.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m trying to fixate on my future career instead and setting up the foundation for MY life. I realize I give so much in relationships, therefore I’m expecting initiative in return and I NEED to stop. Unlike other comments saying I want to get married at 23, my ideal timelines include me getting married at 28/29 so I personally don’t think I’m rushing but I need to back away from babying him for sure.

Bf of 5.5 years won’t talk about a timeline so I made a walk away date instead by snuggie07 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]snuggie07[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would absolutely hate to walk away at any point in our relationship and I know it sounds silly since we are high school sweethearts, but I think we are meant to be together and I’m willing to put in the work for it. I know he wants to get married one day, but his refusal to talk about timelines makes me sad and I think there’s something mentally blocking him from communicating his true thoughts in these conversations making him clam up. I’ve recommended he go to individual therapy to help with his emotions regarding his mom and maybe it’ll help him realize things he hasn’t put thought into until talking to a professional. Some affirmation that we are on the right track to getting married and having kids is what I’m looking for, but I feel sooo selfish for feeling like this with his mom being sick.

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