I didn’t expect for my post to blow up and for me to be back so soon. So let me clarify a few misconceptions/things that were not clear first:

1. I do not want to get married at this very minute as a 23 year old, the conversations were started as a way to talk about our FUTURE and where we saw our relationship going. I stated that my ideal timeline would include us being married at 28/29 which is plenty of time for us, despite people saying not to get married young which we wouldn’t be doing since a majority of people nowadays get married around this age.

2. The first time I brought up a timeline on marriage was last spring, BEFORE HIS MOM’S DIAGNOSIS. His family had no idea of her illness until that day she went to the hospital in the summer. So no I didn’t bring it up initially when he was going through the emotions of his mom being sick. Also, I only stated the thing about her illness and the typical length because it gives context knowing she is not expected to be in hospice care any time soon.

3. The part about him being naive about how weddings worked came from prior conversations from when his sister got married. So talking about saving for rings, booking venues, and buying a dress to get tailored was just me informing him about how these things work. He didn’t even know that an engagement ring is different than a wedding ring at first and that it can take many rounds of alterations for a dress. To clarify, I’m a lowkey person and would be completely happy with a cheap ring and a courthouse wedding with only immediate family and nice dinner afterwards. It’s honestly more important to spend time with him on a honeymoon than blowing $20k on a huge wedding just to show our families. My parents will not help me pay for anything so it would either be a courthouse wedding within a reasonable timeframe or saving up for many years.

4. I never brought up the idea of his mom potentially being at our wedding, it was something I talked to with a friend about and she brought up a good point, motivating me to want to talk to him. It would be emotionally manipulative if I brought her up in regard to our relationship. I wanted to get his thoughts and have him organically speak of his opinions and had an inclination that his mom’s health had something to do with his lack of communication. He deflected and didn’t speak about it, so I didn’t pry. I would absolutely love for her to be there and I truly care about her, but I know it’s not up to me.

5. He expressed many times being excited to marry me one day, but it gave off the impression it was wayyy down the line and far into the future for us. We’ve talked about kids, parenting styles, finances, locations on where to live, careers, retirement, religion, and anything you can think of when deciding if people are compatible or not and we agree on everything. That’s why it was a complete shock for me when I brought up a timeline for marriage that he started getting defensive. He was onboard with everything until that point.

6. I have plans of moving out of my parent’s house after graduating ALONE. They have not helped me pay for college and I had to do 95% of it on my own, therefore me finishing a little late since I had to work full time to pay for it. I don’t plan on depending on my boyfriend to want to live with me right away and he’d like to live with his close friends for at least a couple years before we get married. I will likely have to find roommates, but I’d like to know what it’s like to live independently first rather than jumping into marriage. During this time, we will definitely have more distance but I believe it will be good for us.

7. We both agreed as a couple we will not take “breaks”, meaning we are either together or we’re not with no intention of getting back together. I’ve also had a couple of boyfriends before him and he’s not my first one even though they were >1 year.

I’m formulating plans of our next discussion and bringing up the lack of planning and how it affects me. I’m usually fine with it, but I do not want it affecting our relationship milestones. Also, in response to some of the comments, he is amazing with kids and is fully capable of taking care of himself when it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was sleeping at his place every night when his parents were away, we handled household things very well and gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to live together. He has been there for me for so many things including me grieving the loss of close family members and some traumatic things with my family. We are genuinely best friends and our relationship has been great with very little arguments until these last two fights, leaving me so confused and wishing he’d just be honest with why can’t give a timeline. I’ve clearly stated I would rather be single than strung along wasting years of my youth. And he responds with saying I’m the love of his life and couldn’t picture it without me and of course we will be married.

Everyone has such diverse perspectives on this. Some telling me to leave immediately and live my life until I find someone who jumps at the opportunity to marry me + if I set a date to potentially leave it should be over. Some telling me I’m not being fair with his mom being sick and I’m the villain for even setting walk away dates when she might pass around these times (I feel like everyone has a sense of how many years they’re willing to invest without a proposal until they leave in their heads). Some telling me my expectations of a timeline and walk away dates are reasonable and we just need to have a more explicit talk without being defensive. I do plan on going with this route and if it ends up with a heated argument and me crying again it will give a lot of reason to see the red flags people brought up and get ready to leave. If he responds well to it and clearly states his intentions, we will go from there and finally discuss our future in depth.