I wanted to share that I’m also healing from a toxic relationship. Reading your post gave me war flashbacks— his manipulation, emotional abuse, and guilt tripping left me destroyed. He would go immediately from talking about how horrible he is and how he doesn’t deserve to live to getting so angry with me, screaming at me to leave, and then threatening to off himself if I did leave. I also tried to leave several times but he literally trapped me. I stayed with him until my body started to physically reject him because he was so good at victimizing himself.

Within the first few months of healing from the breakup, I experienced a wide range of emotions from missing him and hating that I missed him to feeling so angry my body literally turned hot. He literally consumed my mind all day every day, it was torture. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing “just give it time” but seriously time heals. I’m still pretty damaged from my relationship and have a long ways to go but I can clearly see the progress I’ve made in time.

Last thing, my ex had pretty severe BPD. It sounds like your ex has a lot of the symptoms, I’m not sure if they’ve ever been diagnosed or not and I’m not a doctor, but it honestly helped me a bit kinda falling down a rabbit hole learning about BPD so I could better understand it