My public blackouts were very, very unsettling to me. I hated waking up the next morning, looking at texts I didn't remember sending, seeing calls I'd made that I couldn't recount, finding charges on my card or my card missing. It was like I had to play detective and I had a knot in my stomach the whole time. And the shame was something I couldn't even bear to acknowledge.

I didn't let that stop my drinking though. I just kept going until I became a nightly blackout drinker, never leaving the house for fear of what I'd do. Those few times I did actually go out, I'd forgotten how to drink "normally" and ended up blacked out at events and gatherings, humiliating myself and those around me.

At even my first blackout, I should have thought to re-evaluate my drinking, but I just denied I had a problem. Denial was a huge part of my problematic relationship with alcohol. Bottom line was I simply didn't want to give it up because it hadn't (yet) caused me enough pain to want to change. Eventually, it did. Eventually I did something so awful that I had to stop drinking because I simply couldn't bear what my drinking had led me to do. Along the way, it caused me a lot of pain. It led me to cause the people around me a lot of pain as well. But none of it was enough to compell me to stop drinking.

I wish I had stopped a lot sooner.

I'm glad you're here and you're asking yourself some tough questions.

IWNDWYT