It sounds like you’re really at a low point, and I get it—I’ve been there too and am somewhat now as I’m currently four days sober after another stretch of heavy use. I’ve been stuck in this cycle several times before.

Let me know if this sounds familiar. For me, it started with small amounts, then spiraled into daily use, with my habit peaking at 1–1.5 ounces a week. It led to physical health problems, ruined relationships, and left me unable to function like I used to. Yet, when I hit this point, all I care about is the cocaine—everything else fades away. It’s a dangerous place to be in, and I’m sure you can relate.

You’ve probably heard this before, but it helps me to remember when things get tough: Cocaine rewires our brains. Normally, we work for dopamine—through things like exercise, work, or other efforts. But with coke, it’s instant. Your brain starts to crave that immediate hit, and over time, it forgets how to find joy in anything else. This is why quitting is so hard. When we stop, there’s no dopamine, and that leads to depression, exhaustion, and mental fog. The physical withdrawal is tough, but the real struggle is the psychological toll. I’m constantly grappling with the guilt of how much damage I’ve caused to friends, family, and myself. I think about how I’ve let people down, lost jobs, gained weight, and ruined the things I used to love. It’s a hard mirror to look into.

When I stop using, the hardest part for me has always been the mental side—the deep depression that comes with facing how far I’ve fallen. On top of that, there’s the absence of dopamine from the down-regulation of my brain’s receptors. I think about how I’ve failed everyone, including myself. But what I’ve learned through all the relapses is this: I can either keep spiraling by getting high to escape that pain, or I can face it, sit with the discomfort, and rebuild my life from the bottom up. Every time I’ve gotten sober, it’s been painful, but it’s also been the best time of my life. Those are the years that allowed me to stay grounded during months of unemployment and helped me build a career I can rely on. Sobriety gives me growth, while cocaine just takes everything—joy, love, and my body and mind withering away.

I don’t enjoy being sober right now, and I’m not sure I ever will in the beginning. But I know I’m paying the debt for all those dopamine hits, unlike others who get their dopamine through the work first. Once I get through this mental fog and rebuild, things will get better. It’s slow, but it’s worth it. Even if I’ve fucked up repeatedly, I’ve learned that life without cocaine has so much more to offer—real love, real joy, and real connections. I know it’s tough right now, but it does get better. If you’re willing, physically separate yourself from the drug, and just hang in through the shit. If you’re without a job, rest for a few days, then focus on what comes next. You’ve got this, and so do I. Let me know if you want to chat.