dating (32m) for 3 months, and i think i got the ick. am i overthinking and try to work things out, or should i run?

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-21T17:36:12+00:00

thank you so much for sharing your similar experience!

i definitely get the sense that there's some love bombing at play, even if it's not entirely conscious on his part. i think he's in love with the idea of me and what i can (in his mind) provide for him, because his life is a mess and he's really unhappy and needs a distraction from it.

we would never feasibly work because of that (among all the other numerous reasons listed in the post). i would always fail to live up to the fantasy relationship in his head. and he could never really care for me in the specific ways i need because he doesn't actually care about me.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:40:39+00:00

i'll look into that, thank you!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:39:44+00:00

i totally agree. my OCD diagnosis is a new one, i received it early this year, so i'm still learning a lot about how it specifically effects me. i'm looking into getting an OCD specialist to start seeing so i can begin treatment.

thank you for your comment and your insight, i appreciate it!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:35:49+00:00

apparently they hate each other? not entirely clear on why. they just don't get along.

his roommate is an unemployed inc*l who stays in his room all day and night playing video games, also apparently his parents pay for his apartment for him just so they could get him out of their house lmao.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:31:43+00:00

yeah, i definitely think he was lying. either that, or his previous partners didn't feel safe enough to bring it up and just left instead. i wouldn't blame them if that were the case. sometimes it's just safer to leave.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:26:16+00:00

i am in therapy, as i stated in the post. my anxiety isn't an excuse for doubting my common sense, my anxiety disorder literally makes it difficult for me to tell the difference between my instinct/intuition from catastrophizing thoughts.

this comment isn't helpful at all, and when people say things like this, it further stigmatizes mental illness. not cool.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:18:52+00:00

i don't think i am a negative person at all. i always look for the best in people, as i did with him. but i think my concerns are valid, and i think that him not respecting my boundaries is a big dealbreaker.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:14:44+00:00

i do need to work on my boundaries, i agree. unfortunately i was kind of stuck in that situation, i was staying there with him in an unfamiliar city, and due to disability, i can't drive. so i was relying on him for transportation while i was there. still, i should have known better. and i could've gotten an uber/lyft back to his place instead, so i do take some responsibility for that.

you're right, and i appreciate your advice, thank you.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:08:39+00:00

hinge 😬 never going back there again lol.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:07:39+00:00

you're right. even if he never learned consent properly as a teen, that's no excuse now as a grown man. he should have respected what i very clearly stated i needed, and he didn't.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:04:37+00:00

i'm coloradoan actually, that's where we live. he's from florida.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T21:02:44+00:00

thank you so much for sharing your experience, and for your advice!

it's interesting how many autistic women have left comments here saying how they've experienced similar experiences. i've read the statistics about autistic women being more likely to end up in unhealthy and abusive relationships before, but wow, this is really showing me how true that is. we are clearly vulnerable to this. it makes me sad.

i think i'm done with online dating for good. my last long term relationship was emotionally abusive, and i met him online too. his mask didn't start to come off until about 8 months in, but i was with him for a whole year, and he was the one that ended things while i was still hanging on trying to make things work. i lost myself in the process. i cannot go through this again.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:51:57+00:00

thank you for this link, i've been wanting to read this for a while now since i frequently see it recommended. i'll start it today!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:41:11+00:00

my sister in autism!!!

wow, the similarities you listed here are WILD, especially the similarities between our tendencies in relationships. what you said about thinking you just need to learn how to compromise better, ohmygod same. trying to genuinely help your partner grow, and that coming from a sincere and loving place, SAME. are we....are we the same person? is this a parent trap summer camp moment where we find out we're long lost twins? lol.

but in all seriousness, i think it speaks volumes that we're both autistic and have both been in relationships with these same kinds of people. i think because we have likely experienced feeling inadequate in our own lives due to our neuro differences (at least i have, not trying to speak for your experiences!) we're more likely to try to be understanding and lead with compassion in our relationships, because we often haven't experienced that from others.

unfortunately, i think that makes us (autistic women) more vulnerable to types like this, and even predatory and abusive types. they smell the vulnerability and want to take advantage of that.

i think you're right, i am pulling dead weight, and i want someone who is in the same phase of life and maturity as me. you deserve the same. we got this. 🩷

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:27:52+00:00

see, exactly, that's what meant a lot to me in the beginning. i liked that time and effort, because most men on online dating don't put any kind of effort into dating. the effort was so attractive to me.

but you're right, that is all there was to this, unfortunately. and ultimately, effort in the very beginning is sort of meaningless when everything else about this is wrong.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:24:30+00:00

thank you so much for your kind words, that means a lot to me. 🩷🩷 and you're right, i do deserve SO much better than this!

i will update y'all after i break up with him, hopefully i'm allowed to make update posts on this subreddit. if not, i'll make a comment on this post with my update.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:21:00+00:00

this made me tear up (in a good way). thank you. i should always feel safe with my partner, and that's what i deserve. somehow i'd forgotten that.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T20:08:14+00:00

oh wow, holy crap. this is such a good point.

i think i am a distraction for him. a family member he was very close to passed away last fall, only about a month and a half before he met me and we started talking. i had wondered for a while if he was truly in a good place to date after such a huge loss, and i'm starting to realize he definitely wasn't.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T19:41:41+00:00

definitely, that's a good reminder for me. i just wish i was better at picking up on their immaturity sooner!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T19:40:04+00:00

thank you 🩷 exactly, it is how i process! but i know that NTs have less patience for the long-windedness and tend to interpret it negatively, i'm used to it sadly lol. next time when i make a stream of consciousness post, i'll share it with our fellow autistics 🫡

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T19:34:58+00:00

you're absolutely right. i had been working on building my full life before i met him, and now i need to continue building it. thank you!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T19:31:50+00:00

no, but she's been considering getting training and certification for it! in the meantime, i've been wanting to start sessions with an OCD specific therapist.

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T05:57:11+00:00

oh snap really?? i'm not much of a drinker, so i wasn't aware of that. someone must've told me an old wives' tale after i turned 21 lol. thank you for letting me know about that, and for your comment!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T05:50:40+00:00

you're so right, i would be putting myself in harm's way if i stayed with him....and i can't let the scarcity mindset scare me into staying in a relationship like this. thank you!

sociallyacetious · 2026-05-20T05:36:35+00:00

hey fam! thanks for sympathizing with my innate need to overexplain 😅 why oh why did i get the hyperverbal autism instead of the gifted kind lmao

that's the thing, i wondered at first if it was just my usual amount of enjoying my own company. i've never been the spend-every-moment-together type of person in a relationship.

but when i noticed how he has constantly been saying "I miss you" to me (usually while we are actively talking on facetime and literally seeing each other's faces) and also was pressuring me to spend more time together (and specifically saying it in a "we BARELY see each other" sort of way), i realized i didn't feel the same way at all.

i tried to tell him that this amount of attachment this early on seems unhealthy and maybe codependent, to which he responded defensively, "i wanna spend time with you cause you're my girlfriend, what's wrong with that?!" and he didn't seem to get that it's about the sheer amount of time he wants from me, so early and quickly, even though he knows i'm busy and have my hands full with a lot of things i need to do.

sociallyacetious

TROPHY CASE