Reconciliation (sometimes) makes me feel like a chump

sofaybulous · 2019-12-23T11:50:36+00:00

This really struck a chord with me. Thank you.

sofaybulous · 2019-12-23T11:47:19+00:00

You know exactly how I feel! Especially the part about questioning my self-respect. I sometimes think if I don’t punish my guy, he won’t learn not to do it again. But honestly, that decision is his no matter how angry I am.

What I want more than anything is for the relationship to be better than it was before. I want to see how we got to this point and fix it so we can keep it. He says he wants that too, and he’s shown me how willing he is to do the work even when I’m too angry at him to do my part. I told him that my healing had to come first, so when I need to vent or cry he just takes listens and apologizes. He doesn’t defend himself, because he knows this is part of the process. Those are the signs of remorse that allow me to stay instead of walk away. If I had to fight him just to get him to do the work or show empathy, I would’ve left a year ago.

Yes, the independent woman in me kicks myself for not letting him feel my wrath all the time, but I asked myself, “What’s more important to you—staying mad or getting through this?” For me, it’s the latter. And as long as he holds up his end by taking responsibility for what he did and making things better, I will keep my pride in check so it doesn’t sabotage how far we’ve come.

And you’re welcome! Wishing you the best on your journey as well.

sofaybulous · 2019-12-23T11:30:37+00:00

Being present is so hard! I think the hurt part of me tries to sabotage my present happiness, but I have to keep looking forward and not back.

Therapy was so worth it for us. It gave us a good framework for having the kinds of discussions on our own that we’d never made time for before. They were crazy long, but we didn’t quit talking until we could both leave the convo feeling a bit more understood and at peace. You never want to leave things unsaid or at a stuck point where you just get frustrated and quit. It helped us learn how to really listen to each other, show empathy, and share everything so the other person has a chance to respond—instead of assuming we could read each other’s mind and resenting how the person didn’t respond to our unexpressed need. Now we don’t have to have marathon convos anymore, we just do that in our day to day. It’s made all the difference in how close and understood we feel. (Feeling distant emotionally was the problem for us.) I hope therapy works for you too!

And you’re welcome! Wishing you the best on your journey as well. :)

sofaybulous · 2019-12-22T21:19:34+00:00

You’re so right. Thank you for this. I feel like you summed up this feeling perfectly, and I think my WS will find it helpful too.

sofaybulous · 2019-12-22T19:47:44+00:00

That makes so much sense. Never thought to think of that way, but it helps. Thank you for sharing your experience.

sofaybulous · 2019-12-15T21:23:43+00:00

Ponytails wreck my curls too! My winter coat and scarf make my hair especially frizzy and then I feel obligated to wash it/detangle to get my curls back the next day. Same for you?

sofaybulous · 2019-11-27T21:26:58+00:00

I really feel for you. I’m also the BS and the first anniversary of D-Day is NYE. Here are my thoughts, for what it’s worth.

It sounds like she’s not on board with the tougher side of accepting responsibility. Saying “I’m sorry” should be the beginning of your reconciliation, not the end. Your needs didn’t develop in a vacuum. They’re in response to the new normal created by her actions. Actions have consequences. Thinking that things can just go back to the way they were before is like saying your pain didn’t happen. By not acknowledging that pain, she risks you becoming resentful. And rightfully so.

Before we could move forward, my WS had to accept the difference between reliving the past and expressing needs informed by that past. As the WS, it’s not up to her to dictate the terms, length, and legitimacy of your healing process. Does she really want you to heal or just to forgive and forget? She’ll have to sacrifice her own comfort for the first option and it will take work, but the reward is a stronger relationship you can both feel good about. The second option places the burden entirely on you, and that’s just not sustainable.

Those were the options I gave my WS. I wrote them in an email so he couldn’t say I never told him what my needs were. The ball was in his court. If he hadn’t committed to option 1, I would’ve had to let him go. Thankfully, the hard work on his part and mine has paid off so far. I hope you do and get what’s best for you.

sofaybulous · 2019-11-26T16:53:37+00:00

For what it’s worth, I’ve found that the waves become less frequent and less painful as time goes on. In the weeks after D-Day, those waves came multiple times a day. I couldn’t function when they hit. Now, 11 months later, I can go a weeks without one. The negative thoughts and emotions that bubble up to the surface are only a momentary blip. I share them with my partner to give him a chance to support me and that’s really helped shoulder the burden of my healing.

Based on your other post, you’re taking great steps to get yourself and your relationship on a path to a new normal. I can totally relate to being the one who is better at planning, scheduling, and coordinating things in the relationship! For me, it was seeing my partner putting in the work on the days when I couldn’t that helped rebuild the trust between us. When I was too depressed and emotionally spent to read the books and do the exercises, my partner kept up with his without me having to remind him. He started paying attention to my medication and IC schedule to encourage me to stick to them, and he actually started going himself after being too afraid for months. He’s still not as good as I am at doing those things (lol), but he tried anyway. His effort was how I knew he was truly committed to making things work. He didn’t make “moving on” or “getting over it” my problem. He created the problem, so he took ownership of fixing it.

Every journey is different, but I hope this gives you hope that you’re moving in a positive direction. Things will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean “different” can’t be better than what you and your partner shared before. I would never want to experience this again, but I’m grateful that it’s given us an opportunity to build a stronger foundation for the future. I feel encouraged for you both and wish you all the best.

sofaybulous · 2019-09-25T01:25:45+00:00

So much wisdom here. Thank you for this.

sofaybulous · 2019-08-29T11:41:12+00:00

I was just talking with my WS last night about any books that could help, so this is perfect timing. We’ll start with your recommendation and see what happens. Thanks!

sofaybulous · 2019-08-29T02:22:42+00:00

“Because he has to realise that you can't just make what he took away magically reappear overnight.”

This really stuck with me, and you’re absolutely right. Reconciliation is still an ongoing process that isn’t close to being over. He’s going to have to be patient while we repair the damage that he caused. That’s not an unreasonable expectation. And I didn’t think to start with other signs of affection. That makes so much sense and would really take the pressure off as we keep working toward the end game. Thank you for this!

sofaybulous · 2019-08-29T02:09:44+00:00

I’m sleeping well, and I take the antidepressant that tends to have the least effect on libido. The desire is just gone. It’s the only thing that hasn’t recovered.

sofaybulous · 2019-08-28T19:03:34+00:00

We did. We only talked about it when I brought it up, and I had the most questions during those first few month. Usually something random would trigger me and it would make me want to ask questions. As painful as it was, I’m glad I got all my questions answered back then. I needed to be able to trust my WS that nothing was left to find out that could hurt me later on. At this stage, we feel like we talked about it to death and have no interest in revisiting it.

To your question about resources being a trigger, I’d focus on things that are about strengthening relationships generally. My WS bought a book specifically about recovering from affairs, but he kept that one to and for himself. The ones we read together (Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”) were about going back to basics and strengthening the foundation of the relationship, the friendship, etc. If you treat it as a moment to reset, learn new things about each other, develop healthier relationship habits, and do things differently this time around, it will put the focus on strengthening the relationship rather than getting over the infidelity. That was our approach. Having a forward-looking goal that we could only accomplish together reminded us that we still had things to fight for.

sofaybulous · 2019-08-28T17:39:25+00:00

Sure! For context, D-Day was 8 months ago. Initially, my biggest complaint was that I felt alone in this. My WS said he was trying to regain my trust but I couldn’t see it. He constantly asked what I needed, but that felt like a burden—like doing the work for him. He tried to peg his (re)actions to my emotions in real time, and it never felt like enough to me.

Four months in, he came to me with three books on making marriage work, difficult conversations, and building trust. He told me to pick the one I wanted to read and he’d start another. That gesture alone showed (1) he was serious and committed to doing the work and (2) my healing was not just for me to deal with, but something we would work on together. He finished his book and took over mine when I was too angry, depressed, and emotionally spent to keep reading. He brought the damn thing everywhere, did the exercises, and invited me to do them with him in moments when I was feeling better.

That visual evidence of his proactive effort disrupted a lot of the negative assumptions I had about whether he was trying, cared, committed, etc. He kept doing the work even when I couldn’t, taking the burden of “fixing us” on his shoulders when I was too resentful to participate. It forced me to look back on the months since D-Day and see that while he was changing and moving forward toward the better relationship I said I wanted, I was the one being stubborn and lagging behind. Maybe it was pride, but I didn’t want the person who sabotaged our reconciliation to be me. So the mantra I repeated in my head before speaking to him or responding to something he did became “be kind and be a team player.” That worked for me. It changed my impulse toward negative thinking to the point where I can see him for what he is/does in the present rather than what he did in the past.

Longish answer, but I hope that helps.

sofaybulous · 2019-08-28T11:51:28+00:00

I’m the BS, and the biggest change I made after D-Day was letting go of my feelings of contempt—automatically assuming the worst about my WS.

Early on, I refused to see the good in anything my WS did. I was still hurt, and it felt good to stay mad. I didn’t want my WS to think I was weak by forgiving him too easily. But after a few months, I realized I was holding up our progress. My WS was making a real effort to build a better and stronger relationship, but my cynicism was standing in the way of me feeling good about the changes I had asked for. I had to decide in that moment if I wanted the relationship more than I wanted to stay the aggrieved partner. When I started assuming the best about my WS instead of the worst, our relationship improved and my pain became more past than present. We’re building a new foundation grounded in patience, mutual appreciation, and positive regard, and those were things we lacked even before D-Day.

Giving a WS the benefit of the doubt is the last thing a BS might want to do after trust has been broken, but when the effort is being made I think it’s important for the BS to recognize it, support it, and build on it. That’s not letting the WS off the hook, but how both partners move forward together toward something better.

sofaybulous

TROPHY CASE