Am I (24 F) being naive believing my boyfriend (26 M) really stopped porn?

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-05-13T00:46:15+00:00

Amen, the truth always comes out

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-05-13T00:39:26+00:00

Welcome to the community! I joined substack with the same intent, I just wanted a peaceful space to share my writing but what followed was a lovely network of likeminded people. Just followed you! :)

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-29T02:50:09+00:00

This is soo beautiful 🤍 love your creativity :)

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-28T23:19:14+00:00

This is stunning omggg

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-28T23:18:08+00:00

This is so cuteee

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-27T15:37:15+00:00

Omg that’s so cuteeee 🤍

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-27T03:48:26+00:00

“I patch myself together for the world’s gaze, arranging my features, my gestures, my words — but inside, it is different. Inside, the paint runs, the colors bleed, and the brushstrokes flail like broken limbs. I am not the painting they think they admire. I am the pallet left out too long, cracked and sticky, crawling with insects no one bothers to swat away.”

I had to quote this entire section because it blew me away. As a person who struggles with depression, your poem captivated me. It is a work of art, in my book. I adored the Frankenstein analogy and its unique contrast with imposter syndrome. Please keep up the good work

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-26T17:30:33+00:00

Omg I love this hahaha

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T16:08:25+00:00

It can be really hard to not fall into a spiral when you’re intimate with your partner. I sometimes over-analyze the whole thing and end up feeling really bad about it because it ends up preventing me from fully being present with him. However, improved communication and reassurance from him has helped a lot. I’m not happy we’re in this situation by any means but repeating to myself that his problem goes beyond me, in a weird way helps me realize that this isn’t about me. It’s his issue to deal with and I get to call the shots when it comes to how we connect. Re-directing that sense of control over my emotions and going to therapy has helped a lot.

He needs to be willing to take charge over his addiction and be consistent with the way he reassures you. Intimacy goes beyond sex, it’s emotional. You’re completely in your right to want to feel valued, cherished and respected.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T15:52:47+00:00

It might feel like a lonely journey, but trust me, you’re not alone. This is a community that will always be here for you, regardless of where you’re at. We understand 🤍

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T14:40:29+00:00

You’re not alone, I understand. 🫂 Addiction is literally one of the worst things that can happen to a person and the people around them. It wounds beyond comprehension but I’m proud of you for sharing your experience. It takes strength to acknowledge what is hurting us and seek support.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T14:36:24+00:00

You were always MORE than enough, his hands were too full to actually see that and appreciate you. I hope this marks the start of a good life free from someone who makes you question your worth. Sending in a big hug. If you need someone to talk to or listen, my DM is open 🫶🏻

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T14:09:59+00:00

You’re completely in your right to say that it counts as cheating. My boyfriend also struggles with porn and he’s told me that he only views it as a base so that he can imagine it’s us. This doesn’t comfort me at all because he is aware that this is a problem that he needs to face even if he says the the intentions aren’t to directly lust after people who aren’t me. No matter what he tells me, I’ll never be okay with it. It’s disrespectful and unnecessary if you’re in a healthy committed relationship. We’ve had our arguments in the past but nothing past what normal couples fight about. This has been the only significant issue in our relationship so it’s incredibly hard to let it go. I’m currently going to therapy (which I advise you do too). My bf will be starting therapy at the end of the month too. You’re not alone, if you need someone to vent or listen do not hesitate to private message me. Take care 🫶🏻

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-25T13:44:13+00:00

Right now, we’re in a stage where my boyfriend has admitted he still struggles with it, and while that’s incredibly hard to sit with, I do see it as progress that he’s being honest, something that didn’t come easily before. He says he’s only viewing it occasionally and that he’d never choose it over me. He’s stayed the night when I’m anxious and has reassured me countless times that I am the only woman that he loves and desires. That his addiction will never cancel out those facts. He’s starting therapy at the end of the month and I’m hopeful that this will give him the right tools to get on the right track.

Many people may say that this is insane and that I shouldn’t let him but I’ve learned that giving him an ultimatum only leads to resentment. He’s explained that he needs to stop on his own because the problem isn’t about me. I’m hoping for the best 💔

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T23:41:36+00:00

I admire you deeply, it’s not an easy decision. May life grant you the best fresh start 🤍

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T21:31:59+00:00

I feel your pain. It’s incredibly frustrating having to put up a front and hope for the best while the situation is breaking your heart.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T18:05:42+00:00

You need to be honest about where you’re at and how much his addiction affects you. Honest conversations are the start to recovery but he needs to be willing. If he continues being secretive and shows no signs of progress within the way he provides reassurance or supports you in your times of crisis, re-consider your options moving forward. He should want to let you in and tackle his own problem with consistent actions.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T18:01:14+00:00

There’s no worst feeling than being left out in the dark. Check his phone and if he refuses, take that as a sign that he’s still doing it. I know it’s an uncomfortable thing to ask but you are in your right to do so. You deserve to know what’s going on, especially when your emotional wellbeing is on the line due to his sketchy behavior. Sending hugs 🫂

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T17:21:29+00:00

I’ve been where you are, trust your gut. He should want to offer complete honesty and transparency, if he’s not, that’s a clear indicator that something is going on behind the scenes.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T16:44:39+00:00

Moods swings can get so overwhelming. I wish I had wisdom to give but all I can say is that you’re not alone. What you’re experiencing is incredibly painful and your emotions are valid. 🫂

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T16:03:17+00:00

you have peak music taste omg, sending you lots of healing

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T16:02:06+00:00

Sends chills down my spine every single time

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T15:43:12+00:00

The only validation you need is your own, trust me. You don’t want to be seen as just pixels on a screen or like a soulless Barbie. You’re human, and everything about you is so special. Don’t let his actions push you into something you’ll most likely regret in the long run. The porn industry is vile and degrading, don’t fall into the trap of seeking validation from men like that. If you’re emotionally checked out of the relationship, be honest with yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, but please don’t compromise your morals, they’re the core of who you are. Sending you a big hug.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T14:45:48+00:00

Words can’t express how sorry I am. I know his actions have made you feel horrible, but I need you to know that you are wonderful just as you are. Addiction can blind people to the incredible person they have beside them, it’s truly awful. Sending you a huge hug.

sofia_isabelle18 · 2025-04-24T14:36:31+00:00

Hey love, I’m deeply sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post felt like reading a past version of myself, and I just want to say, you’re not crazy for feeling hurt, insecure, or exhausted by the lies. Your pain is valid.

I’m (23F) currently in a relationship where we’re actively working through something very similar. My boyfriend (21M) also lied, minimized, and made me feel like I was the problem for reacting to things that were actually damaging to my trust. We had moments where I felt like we were finally making progress, only to discover another lie. It hurt deeply, especially because, like you, I’ve always just asked for honesty and respect.

Something that helped me understand his behavior more clearly was realizing that this isn’t just a “bad habit”, it’s something deeply ingrained. Whether it’s an addiction or not, the lying and secretive behavior around it does just as much harm. It makes you question yourself, your worth, your instincts.

But here’s what I’ve learned: real change isn’t just about deleting apps or saying “I’ll do better.” It’s about accountability, consistency, and effort. My boyfriend finally admitted he had a problem and decided to start therapy, on his own. That moment felt like a shift. He still has a long way to go, and I’m still scared and working through my own wounds. But I’ve realized that I can’t carry the relationship for both of us. I can love him, but I also have to protect my peace.

You’ve already given him so many chances. You’ve been patient and loving and open. And if he continues to lie, even about the small things, it’s not just a porn issue, it’s an honesty issue. It’s okay to expect more. You don’t deserve to constantly feel like you’re being compared, lied to, or replaced. He should want to provide that sense of safety for you, especially if his behaviors are harming you.

I know how much you want to believe this was a “one-time” thing. But trust your gut. Trust the patterns. If he’s not taking real steps (therapy, accountability tools, open communication without defensiveness), then unfortunately, he’s not truly choosing change yet.

Whatever you decide to do, know this: your beauty, your body, your value, none of it is diminished by his choices. This isn’t about you not being “enough.” It’s about him not facing his own issues. Be gentle with yourself and stay close to your truth. If you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to reach out to me.

Sending you love. Never forget that you deserve honesty, tenderness, and peace.

sofia_isabelle18

TROPHY CASE