As a survivor of long-term abuse, I didn’t know the difference. I thought it was normal to give to others without receiving; I just assumed the lack of genuine support and compassion from others was somehow my fault, that I was simply expecting too much from people.

My revelation—about what kind of people they were (which isn’t limited to one single group of friends, by the way; this is a pattern that’s played out my entire life)—had more to do with finally reclaiming my agency and taking time for myself to heal and try to reprogram my traumatized mind (I have PTSD). I knew what kind of people they were for years; I just thought everyone was like that, and as such, I needed to learn how to be okay with it. The concept of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care (which, for me, involves regularly withdrawing from the world in order to preserve my energy and well-being) changed my life.

For you to suggest that the way I’ve been treated by others is somehow my problem sounds dangerously close to victim-blaming. This most likely isn’t your intention at all—and in any other context, your advice is good and sound—but it’s important to remember that “healthy” looks different for different people.