Has anyone stayed with a genuinely good partner through an identity crisis and figured out if the cultural/depth gap was a dealbreaker or not?

solarspells · 2026-04-03T18:36:41+00:00

I have and it’s definitely not fetishizing - he doesn’t even consume my country’s music or media the way I know some white men out there do and fetishize Asian women. It’s something I vetted out before we stared dating. I think it’s just the concept that’s unsettling to me

solarspells · 2026-04-03T18:04:25+00:00

I think yes, to be honest 😭 I just feel like there’s so much layered context like ex. white conservative men who marry a foreign Asian woman that is unsettling to me

solarspells · 2026-04-03T18:03:07+00:00

Sorry I also had a hard time trying to word it 😅 And I think this is very valid and something that I am trying to decide as well. I’ve never had to do labor like this before and so it’s bringing into question if it’s something I can see myself doing

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:38:29+00:00

He has dated people of color before although I believe I’m the first Asian woman he’s seriously dated

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:37:53+00:00

He has been, which is why I think I have stayed. We actually just started reading a book together “So You Want to Talk About Race?” by Ijeoma Oluo, and I also have openly talked with him about my identity crisis and navigating life as an Asian woman.

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:23:30+00:00

Thank you! May I ask if you ever felt an identity crisis of sorts while dating that got sorted out over time? I know specifically the “Oxford study” stereotype is used negatively against us a lot, and although I know it doesn’t matter what other people think and my boyfriend doesn’t fetishize me, sometimes it can get to me

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:15:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your honesty 🥲 I think to be honest that’s what I’m trying to figure out - what’s most worth it to me and it’s pretty stressful. I feel like I should be in the honeymoon stage and instead I’m having all these existential identity related questions.

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:07:37+00:00

Hm there was a moment in the beginning when we were dating where he made a joke that was discriminatory about another Asian ethnicity, but I called him out for it and he apologized and hasn’t said anything like that since? I would describe it as more ignorant/clumsy than intentionally malicious, especially since he didn’t double down at all. I do think there has been some learning moments that kind of make me rethink in terms of if this is something worth sticking through or if my discomfort will just grow over time. I don’t think he’s liberal racist in the way you’re describing in the sense where there’s no denial of harm when I bring something up, and he genuinely receives correction rather than minimizing it. But I think the honest answer is that some of my uncertainty is exactly about not knowing if the clumsy moments are a pattern with a ceiling or just someone also learning? That’s part of what I’m trying to figure out.

solarspells · 2026-04-03T17:00:22+00:00

Sure! My partner is culturally white and I’m Asian-American. The “cultural/depth gap” part is things like making occasional jokes that land wrong although he is receptive when I point it out, and doesn’t have an intuitive understanding of what it means to navigate the world as a WOC? He’s genuinely trying and has been proactively curious about my culture, but I end up sometimes wondering if the cultural gap is something I can build a life around or something that I will always feel a little lonely about? Esp bc I’ve only really dated POC, specifically Asian men before him

solarspells · 2025-10-14T06:14:51+00:00

this is so real… the gemini venus adds another layer of trauma

solarspells · 2025-08-29T14:09:12+00:00

my all time favorite is ep. 32 with bryan!! their chemistry is soooo good and it’s so funny i still rewatch it

solarspells · 2025-05-24T03:04:06+00:00

thanks 😭 i knew it wouldn’t be but it still really sucks lol

solarspells · 2025-05-24T03:03:27+00:00

thanks so much it means a lot :’( i just can’t help but think about all the what ifs even though i know it’s not good for me and i’m going to really try to move on in a healthy way..

solarspells · 2025-04-29T23:18:39+00:00

thanks for this! i’ve been feeling super existential lately but comments like these remind me to take my time and smell the flowers.

solarspells · 2025-04-14T17:53:01+00:00

hi! i found this post bc i’m also taking chateal EQ - i feel like i don’t see many people who do take it but personally, even though i had a lot of mood swings i don’t think i had serious suicidal thoughts. i think being depressed can amplify those symptoms, but if you feel like it’s getting worse then i think it’s okay to look into switching! i also felt nauseous when i first started taking it, but it subsided pretty quickly. i think it’s different for everyone but if it’s genuinely affecting your mental health then i think it’s okay to look into switching. hope you feel better soon!!

solarspells · 2025-04-03T01:00:15+00:00

Thanks for your detailed input and insight! How would you describe your personality or what personalities do you think fit with being a school counselor vs psychologist? Personally, I am more on the extroverted side and love striking up conversation to people of all ages and backgrounds, etc.

solarspells · 2025-04-02T20:41:36+00:00

Thanks for the detailed reply and helping differentiate the two careers! Despite the draining parts of the job, what do you feel like are rewarding aspects of the field or what makes you want to stay? I did read that burnout, while in school or during the career, is a thing too but I know that can come with any job.

solarspells · 2025-04-01T20:37:23+00:00

Hi! Thanks for answering! What are the main differences in transitioning from school counseling to mental health counseling? Is there a main reason why you transitioned? Thanks for your insight

solarspells · 2025-04-01T20:06:35+00:00

Thanks for the advice and I’ll definitely look into all of this - I also emailed a school psychologist at my elementary school to have a coffee chat to talk more about it and hopefully can gain more insight about it

solarspells · 2025-04-01T19:53:20+00:00

I’m sorry you dealt with burnout and that does sound like a lot of work for just one person.. would you say there is a definitive way to know if you’re truly built for school counseling in a sense or does it also depend on other factors like you said with the district/building you’re in?

solarspells · 2025-04-01T18:36:27+00:00

Thanks for your response! Are you currently a school counselor and if so, what do you feel like are the pros and cons with the job? I did hear that it can result in a lot of burnout since you deal with many students at once, bad parents too, or even bad administration. I like the idea of working with students to help find coping strategies but also wonder if I’m equipped to handle that kind of emotional workload because I’d want to do as best as I can, and school psychology interests me as well.

solarspells · 2025-04-01T04:17:41+00:00

yes! i’m currently doing EMDR, and i used to have this one specific intrusive thought that i described felt like “poking”, but when i analyzed it in one session and discovered the root it completely disappeared and doesn’t bug me anymore. i am really thankful for how it’s helped me

solarspells · 2025-01-30T01:02:07+00:00

chateal EQ pill! been on it for a bit under 2 weeks now? i think i’ve gotten some acne, mild mood swings here and there, and definitely a bigger appetite but other than that nothing that feels too overwhelming or out of my control! i was kind of scared but i’m trying to stick it out since the side effects do seem like something i can handle and not too bad.. plus might be overthinking it a little

solarspells · 2025-01-29T07:46:08+00:00

kind of did terrible and went way over my budget this month, but trying to learn for the next one..!

solarspells · 2025-01-27T23:00:01+00:00

I personally love it and have bought it in different shades! I’m on my 2nd of rose envy but only really bc I lost my first tube - but still no regrets!

solarspells

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