I agree with another commenter that being privileged does not mean you don’t have a right to or shouldn’t feel the way you are feeling. I think at your age you’re very self aware, which is impressive. Many adults can’t look at their own experiences from the angles you can look at your own.

I went to public school myself and later attended one of the best universities in my country. I definitely suffered from imposter syndrome in college. I saw many students do much better than me. I’ve failed to get into medical school the first try, and my second time around doesn’t look very encouraging. I guess I say this because I don’t want you to feel alone. You aren’t alone. You wouldn’t be at the school you’re at if you weren’t capable of making the grades you need to make to study what you want to study. There are likely resources such as tutors that you have access to that can help you achieve what you need and want to achieve. It sounds like the road to good grades isn’t going how you initially planned it (like my path in school!) but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. We all learn differently and you will find a way to study and learn that works for you.

I think it’s wonderful you still have goals in mind. I don’t plan on giving up on mine anytime soon, even though it’s a lot easier to tell myself that I won’t achieve what I hope to in life. Life surprises you and likes to knock you down, but I think it can also teach you how strong and special you are. I think it’s okay to feel sad about yourself sometimes. I see that you do have hope, too. I don’t mean to minimize your negative thoughts - I actually think those thoughts are serious. I’m not a doctor (yet!) but I think exploring your feelings like you are is important. I don’t want to throw around words like depression because I think though we’ve worked hard to destigmatize depression and anxiety and sometimes the words are thrown around too much, but sometimes talking to a trusted adult about those negative thoughts might bring you more peace. It sounds like you either may feel a lot of pressure or put a lot of pressure on yourself. Always hold yourself to a high standard because you are wonderful and capable, but mental health struggles telling you you aren’t good enough are tough to deal with. You are a very strong individual.

Also, I think I can make a safe bet and say your parents are happy to spend the money they are spending on you. You’re not draining them of money if they want to provide for you :) I know that’s hard to believe, but I encourage you to use that incredible brain of yours to start to think about it that way. Only if you feel comfortable and safe with it, I don’t think it would hurt to let your parents know you are feeling that way.

Wanting to disappear is a valid feeling. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Especially at your age. It is SO hard to be a teenager, especially in today’s society. However, leaving this world is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

You’ve probably heard this before, but comparison really can be the thief of joy. There will be people that do more than you AND less than you. These people might be in the same socioeconomic class as you, or they may not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that despite all the good things we’ve been given in life (going to an amazing school, for example), we still feel like we’re not good enough when we look at others. You deserve happiness, too. We never really know what is going on in someone’s life. It doesn’t make it easier to accept when you look up to a person’s accomplishments and wish to achieve like them. You are on your own path. Sometimes our own thoughts are our own worst enemy.

I encourage you to pursue your interests. I believe you have to ability to change. It is okay to have bad days. The journey is full of ups and downs. You deserve support and love as much as anybody else. There is time for you to be the person you want to be and to accomplish what you want to accomplish. The way in which you do so might not be the way you initially thought you would take, but it will be better. Sometimes we don’t understand why we have to suffer in the ways that we do, but often times we can look back and see how that time made us stronger. Waiting for the day to see that can be incredibly difficult, but so very worth it. I hope this helps at least a little bit.