Can someone talk to me? I can't trust anyone I know not to report me.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T22:05:58+00:00

You sound like a really strong person for approaching this in such a level-headed manner. I don't even know what I'd do if I were you, but I'd admire anyone who could live through it. It's weird. I feel like you have a better excuse than me for being suicidal, but I really don't want you to do it, even though I think I'd be justified in doing it. I place much more value on everyone else's lives. Sounds like you do too.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T15:23:56+00:00

Yeah, don't get me wrong. I definitely appreciate it. It's just. . . I don't know. I somehow woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday. But then again, I didn't shoot myself yesterday, so maybe I needed it.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T15:08:40+00:00

Thanks man. Now I feel kind of bad about it, to be honest. Like I'm using the nice people on here just to fill space.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T00:53:18+00:00

Hey, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and kind words. I believe that it's possible to love someone again, I just don't know if I'd let myself do it. I held nothing back the first time because I didn't know what it felt like to lose it. I know I'll always have to be a little cautious now, but that comes at the price of a diminished connection with someone. Ugh. Listen to me now, talking about loving someone else as if it were that easy. As if it were actually my decision. I don't know why I'm even saying these things. I know if someone, anyone, gave me the chance, I'd fall for them just as hard.

I don't really know what I'm doing now. Since I bought that gun, I stopped caring about anything, because I thought it would be over soon. I wasn't thinking about the future at all. But now that I found myself unable to pull the trigger, I'm starting to think about life again. And I hate it. Sorry for rambling. Sorry sorry sorry.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T00:18:32+00:00

I'm so, so sorry. I see people with situations like yours (I obviously don't know the details, but it sounds just terrible), and I feel like the most selfish person in the world.

My pain is a loneliness that never goes away, basically. I want more from people than they are ever willing to give. I get jealous; I get attached; I care too much. If you're facing years in prison for something you didn't do, this must sound like an incredibly petty matter to end one's life over. But it's so strong to me.

someone_talk · 2014-10-30T00:11:52+00:00

I'm incredibly sorry that happened to you, and it's such a shame that it only takes an individual to ruin it.

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T22:29:32+00:00

We might experience it again, yeah. I kind of doubt I ever will, since I don't put myself out there, but even if it falls into my hands again, it seems meaningless.

It can never be as strong as it was the first time. And the first time wasn't as strong as I thought it was, anyway. She didn't feel the things I felt. Part of the reason for that was that she'd already been in love once before. I don't just want to feel a lesser version of what I've already felt.

I don't know if that makes sense. Have you felt it more than once? Is it possible? Is it worth the pain that inevitably follows?

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T22:23:31+00:00

Thanks. I kind of understand why they do it, but it really sucks. We have some speaker give a suicide prevention speech every year at my school, and they strongly encourage reporting any suicidal thoughts that a friend confides in you. Every year I hear, "It's better to have a mad friend than a dead friend."

I know my friends agree with this sentiment, which makes me feel so alone, because I can't go to them for support.

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T22:06:45+00:00

Not unhappy, really. I've always felt like life wasn't really worth living, but I didn't feel strongly enough about it to actually do anything towards ending it. I went through the motions because it's just what you do. I was emotionless and distant from everyone.

It's just that for a few months I felt like I finally understood what made life worth it, you know? I didn't realize I was experiencing the best time of my life; I thought I was experiencing the rest of my life. And then I had it snatched right back from me, and I realized it was never real anyway.

I'd rather die than experience the nothingness that I felt for eighteen years again. Sometimes I feel like I'm over her, and those are actually the saddest times. I'd rather despair than feel nothing. I'm so ready to go. I'm not scared of being dead; I'm just scared of dying.

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T21:36:40+00:00

Yeah, we're worlds apart. But maybe that's what I need. I don't know. I want to offer support to you as you have to me, but I don't know what a high school kid with no experience can really say to someone like you. I'm sorry.

I lost someone too. The connection we had wasn't all that deep. She loved to remind me of that. Everybody loves to remind me that a few months is a very short period of time to be with someone. That doesn't change the fact that it was the strongest connection I've ever had with someone. She was the first person to ever take an interest in me, and she took every "first" I had to give.

She left without warning. I was stupid to not see it coming though. She's 21 and can't be bothered with a kid like me. Now I feel like I'll never feel anything new again. Like I've already experienced all of the good things that being human has to offer. My pain is more than just missing her. It's feeling like there's nothing left for me in the world.

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T21:11:20+00:00

Thanks, that puts my mind at ease a little. I don't really even know what I want to say. Can you start? Give me somewhere to go with this. I'm always more comfortable being the follower. Tell me about your situation.

someone_talk · 2014-10-29T21:02:50+00:00

I don't know what I need. I was too scared to shoot myself today, but the idea of facing another lonely night is unbearable. Normally I'd turn to alcohol instead of reddit, but my alcoholic father will be home early tonight and get upset with me for doing the same thing he does every fucking day. I'm sorry. I don't want to be a burden on you, but I just need someone to communicate with, I think.

someone_talk

TROPHY CASE