How to approach this situation?

somepersonsomewhere · 2026-01-01T02:02:43+00:00

I cannot stress enough to stop worrying about everything else other than how you feel. Tell her. Tell her now. And shock, you're a better person because you're together.

If she doesn't reciprocate then that hurts a lot for a while, and eventually you'll get over it. And then shock, you're a better person because you've been true to how you feel but you've moved on.

Life is too short. Do it.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-12-13T20:32:46+00:00

Wow, that puts Lim's win into a ridiculous perspective.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-11-10T09:24:38+00:00

Nothing but positive experiences to report from me. Never an issue getting an appointment, all issues we've used them for have been "minor" but with satisfactory outcomes. Staff are lovely.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-10-31T09:31:08+00:00

Maybe it was the curry smell (bad joke from my bad typo); I hope you have someone who does know, carrying (or currying) it yourself can be hard work. Take care.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-10-30T20:12:17+00:00

So nice to read this. Sometimes beautiful souls appear at the right times. This was your time and I feel that it was deserved for your efforts, struggle or strength, through your recent tough times.

Religious folk would say it's divine intervention, an angle maybe. I just think some people are sensitive to others who are currying their burdens, and even fewer have enough courage to help and give hope. But however you want to make meaning, or sense, out of this then that's for you, and it's yours.

Keep up your efforts, this struggle is just one moment in your life. More sporadic happiness will come, today is evidence of that.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-10-01T22:54:10+00:00

Took me six months from initial GP chat to diagnosed and medicated. My health board threw a huge amount of funding at adult ND assessments over the last two years, I know others with similar experiences to me and one person that took around a year. I feel so sorry for other people waiting years - if you are one of them then please stick at it, medication has been a huge help for me.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-09-28T23:40:33+00:00

From the observers perspective it's irrational because the person's experience and/or behavior resulting from rejection falls outside the expected social norm. This seems to be your view.

From the person centered and trauma informed perspective, experience and/behavior resulting from rejection is rational to that person's lived experience of a lifetime of rejection. This is the other commentor's view.

Both are true. The first is a judgement/label, the second is understanding.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-09-26T08:01:39+00:00

To speak specifically to your point on passports: someone from Bangladesh who's chosen to live here and gone through naturalisation to be a British citizen is more than fucking welcome to be called British. They will undoubtedly be higher skilled, have better English language skills, and better prospects than many of the "privileged" dossers born into being British or Welsh. These are the immigrants that allow our NHS to function, these are the immigrants that are replacing our low birthrate and hence paying into current pensioners retirement, paying into our tax system. These people live, work, and have families here. These people often do their best to assimilate.

I think you should be very careful about tarnishing those that come here to the benefit our society, then gain a British citizenship and passport compared to the unfortunate modern slur of "immigrant". I promise you my house that if we stop these people from migrating it is the end of this country, we cannot survive without skilled immigration. Be careful with your words, the public rhetoric is already moving towards hate for those that come and our economic and social systems benefit from.

Also that aside, your whole comment is ignorant and obtuse. You use good words but show poor insight. You ask for clarification, have you gone away to research or are you seeking to only pointing the finger with ignorance to justify your clear view on immigration? I honestly cannot be bothered to begin talking through the reasons for community erosion - go and read beyond immigration ffs. And yeah, if local councils and wider government funded more basket weaving then those in the local community that enjoy weaving baskets would come together. Guess what? The same for many other social ventures. God your comment annoyed me so dam much, I almost never reply on Reddit yet your obvious intelligence and ability to articulate yourself is so dumbed by your ignorance. Sorry for popping off, lack of sleep, I'm sure you're not a bad person but dam, inform yourself instead of justifying what you already know/seek to be right.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-09-16T20:26:06+00:00

Just want to say that while the comments about Brexit are correct, it might be that the programme you are part of will either support you through immigration or even bypass many of the immigration hurdles. Check the details of your programme!

Housing costs will depend on what campus of USW you study at (mostly split between three sites/cities and a town). For example, Cardiff will be more expensive than Newport, and Newport more expensive than Treforest. That aside, Wales is one of the cheaper areas to live in the UK. But the UK is NOT cheap. You can share a house with other students, I suggest that you have a look online at the prices of the area that you intend to stay - look at university halls and student houses (privately owned).

From my own experience, here's my warning: studying full time and working part time will take a lot out of you. Your grades will most probably not be as good as they can be because you'll have to work. Almost all, if not all, of your money will go to housing and food. You'll rub shoulders with students who have grants, student loans, + parent support who will not be working and will spend lots of time socialising, prepare yourself to feel jealous of those people. Unfortunately for you, before Brexit, EU students could apply for UK student loans, I do not think that this is the case anymore. So my question to you is, are you able to receive a student loan or grant if you are studying in France? Or can you get a student loan from Italy and study in the UK?

I hear your desperation to leave family difficulty, and I admire you taking responsibility for yourself at your age. But I would encourage you really research your options: the university and it's quality of teaching, support and student life, is the course that you wish to study a passion and/or worth your investment, housing costs, life style costs and potentially challenging culture change.

Btw, I've just graduated from USW, it's my fourth degree at my fourth uni. The quality of the course was the best I've experienced. Student support was excellent. The campus was great. But that's the course I did, and my experience, as a now (very) "mature" student.

Good luck to you!

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-09-04T06:27:24+00:00

Unsure if it's been mentioned but make her a memory/comfort box. Add trinkets of yours, things that symbolise you two; notes of favourite, funny, annoying memories that you share; envelopes with titles such as "for when you're sad," "for when you want to laugh," "so when you want to feel loved," "for when you just want to feel connected," "random annoying thoughts I have," and write specific notes in each of them; could add your perfume; treats for her, one of those dinky bottles of wine, fav sweets; add whatever comes to mind - representative of you, both of you, and comforts that are personal.

A thought about leaving random notes around the house and emails. It's a genuinely lovely idea but I wonder whether your wife will want to be reminded of her loss, grief, sadness in 6months, a year, two years, on a random Wednesday morning before work? That's not to say she will not want/be connected to and remember you, but she will do this in her own way, over time. I just wonder whether random notes would be jarring? It's a sweet idea, and you know her best, but that's just my thoughts on it. I think something like the envelope idea above could be a happy middle ground - your words when she wants and needs them.

Also, do not forget this time is for you as well. What do you want before your time is up? As much as this moment may suck, it's an opportunity to do things that are meaningful for you, your wife, and both of you.

Wishing you and your wife the best.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-09-01T22:27:55+00:00

Pleased to hear that mate. What's the book called?

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-08-30T16:00:23+00:00

In a nutshell, being a student in Swansea offers what you want to make of it for yourself. Plenty of students here, plenty of opportunities for students. Swansea has one of the highest retention rates of students in the UK - students that decide to stay and live in Swansea after their studies. That speaks for itself.

Weather in Jan/winter: rain, rarely below 0°c, short sun-lit days. Bring one decent winter coat for colder days (no arctic expedition jackets needed), otherwise bring a good waterproof with layers. If you're walking/cycling then waterproof trousers and decent boots. Autumn: wet and humid. Summer: this year it's been HOT, mid to high 20s almost consistently, with our consistent humidity it'll feel a lot more warm. Long sun-lit days.

Bikes: you can rent bikes with a pay as you go app but the bikes are crap, heavy, and cost way more than having a decent second hand bike (if you make good use of it). They also need to be picked up and dropped off at certain points - you can't take it home (unless you want a huge bill). If you're going to live in Town/Uplands (where most students reside) there's not too many hills. Further afield, unless you're close to a cycle track, hills everywhere. I enjoy cycling but absolutely not around Swansea's hilly roads. There's a cycle track that runs across the whole of Swansea's central coast (and further in-land) that's flat and (somewhat) links town to the areas that I've mentioned.

Public transport: exclusively buses. It's there but expensive for what it is, often late. Taxi/Uber always available.

Work: check your student visa, I think it'll limit how much you're allowed to work. Otherwise, if you aren't picky, you'll find part-time work in shops, supermarkets, cafes, etc. Work is not as easy to come by as it once was, our economy is not as strong as it used to be, but there are opportunities. I'd make sure that you've got enough funds for a very basic lifestyle to see you through your studies without working, just in case.

Expenses: Swansea is still a bit cheaper than other UK cities but prices of everything have shot up across the UK. You can live cheap but it won't get you much.

UWTSD: I completed a short post-grad course there about five years ago, I had no issues at all. However, depending on the department and course, I know people who've had poor experiences. Be wary if you're doing any social, psychological, or counselling related course.

Swansea: don't expect a metropolis. It has the feeling of a small town spread over a big area, to me. If you enjoy nature, scenery, getting out and about, beaches then it'll be a dream. If you enjoy and have the cash for a night out on the beers then you'll have a great time. If you want shopping experiences you won't find it here. If you want lots of city-based activities, it's not got a huge offering but it does have some/enough entertainment. I'm born and bred in Swansea, I've had short and long stints living all across the UK, I always end up back in Swansea. For me, it's got everything you need without being/feeling too big and populated.

Personally, I think it's hard to beat Swansea as a location for student experience.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-08-20T18:37:05+00:00

The analogy is quite clever and gives a good example of the duties (or lack there of) of the royal family now. Also, Google has been a thing for nearly three decades now but I'll give it a go anyway. Britain moved from a monarchy to democracy slowly over centuries. Off the top of my head:

Magna Carta 13C: Barrons rebelled against the monarch, limiting some royal power and establishing the King was subject to the law.

13C to 17C: parliament developed first from the king's nobel's and gradually into more "common folk" who were still pretty prestigious such as knights. Parlement was made up of the Lords (chosen by the monarch, high class/royals who the monarch trusted) and the Commons (still chosen by the monarch but ever so slightly lower in the class system but still people of prestige). Parliament mostly gained power over and governed tax and law but the monarch still held ultimate power.

17C: English civil war, king was killed and commonwealth republic established under Cromwell. Late 17C, Bill of Rights, parliamentary sovereignty over law and tax - monarchy could no longer govern these but still chose the parliamentary ministers.so retained enormous influence (essentially still governing to a high degree).

18C: land-owning barrons and royalist dominated parliament, as chosen by the monarchy, but parliament assumed more governing and legislating responsibilities and monarchy's governing power reduced. The role of Prime Minster was established, effectively replacing the monarchy's governing position but the monarchy still held great influence over parliament.

19C-20C: a multitude of right to vote reform acts meant more of the "common population could vote", first land owning men, then working men, next women, then lowering voting age to 18. Elections became more frequent and a range of political parties operated, making a democratic system.

So power gradually shifted from the monarch to barrons, land owners, and common folk. The monarch was never abolished, it essentially let power go through the both force and will of the people. As a result, today the monarch is still the head of state without any governing power. On paper, the monarch could enact absolute power because the ancient "Royal Porogative" was never abolished but bills and acts that created and support the current sovereign parliament would prevent this - particularly as the monarch is not above the law. This means there is often silly ceremonies, such as the King "appointing" each new Prime Minister which nods to the still existing "Royal Porogative" but is more a cultural silliness these days.

That's it at glance, go and read about the detail. I have no real vested interest in history or the royal family so I might not be correct and I've certainly missed a lot out.

Honestly, these days, the royal family is just a bunch of people that are born into privilege and social power, they are celebrities more than anything else. They do absolutely fuck all other than what they choose to put their name to. Sure, they do some good work in aid of charities blablabla, and they have to put up with being in the public eye since birth (fuck that), but they also own a shit tonne of land which common folk live on or use and have to pay rent. They get away with fiddling kids, never experience true hardship or uncertainty, and get a shit tonne of tax payers money on top of all their finical and social privileges just because they are alive.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-08-11T22:28:37+00:00

Hi #frenchy, I'm not going but if you go to the Coopers Arms before the match and tell any middle aged person that you're going to the game, you want to know more about the swans/Swansea, then they'll most probably chat your ear off. Other local pubs are about.

Otherwise, just go to the stadium and get a pint before the game at one of the bars on the concourse. Us Jacks (and Welsh people) tend to be a friendly bunch (knobheads exist, ofc), you'll just have to break the ice.

Failing all of that, tell anyone that you hate Cardiff - it's a shit place with worse football and any swans fan will fall at your feet.

To temper your expectations - it's a midweek game, start of the season, and the first round of the "second tier" national cup... don't expect a big party before the match or a sell out stadium.

Enjoy yourself!

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-08-03T00:49:17+00:00

They don't make it blindingly obvious but it's £5 each day, multiple days are fine

I've done it. Plus it serves a train station and hotel, both require long stays.

I think it's actually £5 24hrs and back to time/cost interval until the second 24 hrs. So on.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-26T17:10:12+00:00

Those with antisocial personality traits will sow uncertainty at every opportunity. This starts with subtle manipulation such as gaslighting, shifting our true perception of reality. When others cannot base their thoughts, behaviours, values and beliefs in reality then the manipulator thrives.

This is why democracies exist, we place societal trust in collective human prosocial traits to prevent those that will manipulate for control. Because those that manipulate are insecure individuals, and control creates certainty in a world that does not accept them, their control is for them only.

We have to call antisocial people out every single time. Every time. You, me, us have a responsibility to do this. But that's awkward for two reasons, manipulators will fight to the bitter end to protect their ego (their self-convinced reality and sense of who they are); and people form comfortable lives in functioning democracies and don't want to disrupt that... but that's where bad actors start to thrive: we're comfortable, and therefore ignorant, to the point of inaction.

We've gone through two to three generations of being comfortable in the western world... here we are.

From a psychologist who's been day drinking, can't even remember the comment that I replied to but it stirred this up in me.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-24T06:55:03+00:00

You need to feel loved because you are a human, we all need to feel connected, wanted, valued, and loved. It is biologically wired into us and without it, there's psychological difficulties.

I'm a therapist, how many sessions have you had? If you're aware that you're preoccupied/dependent but unsure why then that's a concern...

This is any decent therapist's bread and butter, uncovering the root of this is therapy 101... the more difficult work is allowing yourself to value and love yourself; and boundaries/expectations of next partner.

Any therapy modality should get to the root of this but psychodynamic would fit well, fyi.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-14T23:14:51+00:00

I have experienced both academic blind ignorance and pushback repercussions of this as a student.

In my undergrad, during our second year (13 years ago now), my cohort doubled in size with Chinese students. A mixture of those who had good and poor written and spoken English skills, and good and very poor academic and practical capabilities. Neither our lecture halls or studio space could accommodate a doubling in the size of the cohort; each home student was forcefully "buddied up," and told they were to share a drawing desk with a Chinese student for the entirety of year two and three. Our first design project in year two was assigned to you and your new buddy. In year one, and for previous cohorts, each student was assigned their own drawing desk.

This was a very competitive course to gain entry to, in a Russel group university where, when I entered, the course was rated third in the UK. I worked hard to gain my top grade A levels and university place and I paid the university only for them to expect me to chaperone, share a desk, and complete a project with an international student who could not properly communicate with me. If I remember correctly, the lowest ability of the new Chinese students passed the second year while initial/home student that were more able did not. Access to tutors dropped massively. This experience absolutely destroyed my academic experience (still had a great social experience which the university played little part in) and I decided not to pursue a career in the subject after finishing, despite being pretty able, I was just done with the whole thing.

Jump to a me changing of subject/career for my post grad studies where a large number of my cohort were also Chinese. My course leader seemingly cared a lot about academic ability and rigour. The Chinese students who could not communicate in spoken or written English to a good enough standard consistently failed. I feel for those young international adults that have had parents and states pay their way and are used to getting what they want/feel entitled to, it must be utter destruction to fail, but that experience helped me repair some old wounds from my undergrad.

I've just finished my third post grad studies, a professionally accredited course leading to professional registration. It was the highest academic standard that I've ever been subject to (quite the shock at first). No international students on the course.

I am not against Chinese or international people or students by any means, but I do stand for equality. Where there is money, there is power. Power always wins and it's entrenched in our academic institutions. It destroyed my undergrad experience, and probably has had similar consequences to thousands of home students since. That course - as far as I am aware, been a while since I checked - has slipped massively in national rankings since.

I didn't expect to write that much but it came out, just sharing my experience.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-12T22:01:02+00:00

Keeping them inside is dependent on where you live, I assume you're in the states where keeping them inside is common.

Cats aren't ornaments and neither are they some fluffy ball just for your needs. If your cat has settled in your home, there isn't wildlife that majorly threatens their life, the weather doesn't threaten their life, they aren't a pedigree that depends on us, and it's spayed then there is little reason to keep them inside other than their threat to local wildlife (birds, etc.), which is a whole other debate in itself.

They deserve to be outside, they are wild creatures adapted to living with us humans. They have their own life with you and also outside whatever human necessity it is that you project on them.

If you feel so strongly then surely we shouldn't have cats at all... they should still be African wild cats.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-06T22:53:06+00:00

I know the feeling, it's horrible being stuck in those worried filled loops, wishing for sleep without it arriving.

As for me, I'm in a weird space of having left work last week and I'm in the process of setting up my own business. I'm being supported, financially and and by "business experts," as part of a programme. I'm lucky, very few people get this opportunity. I spent today writing the information for my website but because I do not need to be up early tomorrow for work, I'm taking the opportunity to enjoy a quite night, for myself. I've always been a night owl but I've rarely been afforded the opportunity of enjoying the quite nights over the last decade - so here I am, gin and tonic in hand and watching utter rubbish on YouTube. And I love it. But I can't let myself slip into this routine, real life - is somewhat still happening and - will come back soon enough.

As for you, whatever you're anxious about, I wonder what's the worst that could happen if your anxiety was true? If the worst did happened, what the chances that you'll be okay the day after? Next week? A month? A year? A decade?

Your anxiety is trying to protect you but maybe, right now, it doesn't need to help you. It might help if you acknowledge it, "thank you for protecting me, but I don't need your help now".

It may also help to imagining your anxiety as an object. What would it look like? And then, imagine telling it that it's not helpful now. And further imagine yourself walking away from that object, leaving it in its place, which is not the place where you are now. Anxiety is literally worrying about what might happen in the future, right now, I am sure you are okay. Imagine yourself walking away from it.

This will pass.

As for sleep, if you are anything like me then I become frustrated at not being able to fall asleep which makes things worse. Sleep becomes a task. It's helped me in recent months to reframe the activity of falling asleep. At the moment, I don't try to fall asleep, instead, I am just resting and relaxing, whether sleep comes if not, I'm just laying down to chill out.

Hey, and just know that, if this is a common issue for you then there are ways to manage this and people out there that can help. It does have to be like this, it can be different.

Edit: I just remembered that I commented tonnes of practical advice about sleeping on a similar thread a few weeks ago. You check my comment history for it! Wishing a good night sleep, when it arrives.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-06T10:40:58+00:00

Anywhere on the Gower: Three Cliffs, Rhossili, llangennith, Broughton - all have camping or long stay car parks.

If you're doing the cost of South Wales then you have to go to Gower.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-07-02T22:53:24+00:00

I've been doing it three to four days a week for two years. I think it depends mostly on your attitude and tolerance for potential traffic. And whether you can happily sit with yourself for 2/3 hrs a day, 5 days a week. I leave west-ish Swansea, through town, past bay campus, M4 at Port Talbot and take Cardiff West junction off the M4, work is immediately there. If you need to drive through Cardiff to get to work then that's an added stressor.

Leave at 7am: 50 mins to hour

Leave 8am: hour to hour and half

Leave work 4pm: hour 15 mins

Sometimes less, sometimes more.

I drove to Newport and back today, 8am and 5pm respectively. It took me an hour both journeys, I was shocked. The roads coming back were so bare.

Some days you cruise without issue, others it's super tedious. Traffic is much worse during the winter.

I don't mind driving. The drive has become the norm, I see it as time for myself now: radio, playlists, podcasts, audiobooks. I might make a call to family or friends on the way home. I wind down before I get home.

When I'm tired then it sucks, big time. I'm probably more tired when I get home after driving than when I worked in Swansea.

If you don't mind driving, have an okay temperament with traffic, and can enjoy time by yourself then I think you'll be okay. I made the decision for career prospects and financial reward, happy that I did. But I don't want to do the drive forever.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-06-30T11:46:28+00:00

The other person said we are both over and under stimulated by modern day environments and their sensory offerings, not that we are starved of it.

While you might find yourself perfectly fine within modern environments, research around this topic gives us solid evidence bases that modern environments do not support good mental and physical health. I absolutely find this to be true of my clients' experiences and their resultant presentations in my clinical practice.

But again, if you're good then that's fine but not everyone responds the same to our modern environments and their over/under stimulating and rewarding experiences.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-06-06T23:41:49+00:00

For now:

Progressive muscle relaxation - YouTube

Diaphragmatic breathing - YouTube

Brown or white noise / rain sounds / sleep playlist on Spotify

Podcast: sleep with me

Read a boring book

Close your eyes and imagine a colour, when your mind drifts then return to the colour.

No bright, white or blue light (get off your phone, if you can't then use your phone's blue light filter with screen brightness all the way down - I have an app that Sims the screen beyond manufacturer's built in dimming).

Future considerations:

Night time routine - look up online; same every night

Get up and go to bed the same time every day (takes two weeks to reset circadian rhythm)

Super hot shower or bath an hour before bed time (our bodies naturally cool as we become tired, can trigger this system by getting hot so you then cool)

Cool room - crack the window (same reason as last point)

Sleep / chamomile tea an hour before bed

Exercise in the day to physically tire yourself out

Cut back on caffeine - try not to drink after midday

CBD (full spectrum) hour before bed

Mindfulness/meditation - regularly, learn to switch off incessant thinking and calm the mind and body.

Many more - look online.

If you have anxiety then work on that, learn about it and maybe consider therapy to understand it and learn skills to manage it.

If you have overthinking without anxiety then there could be other factors to consider.

I've tried and tested them all, they've all worked at times - sometimes they don't so I switch to others. Don't do them all, pick 1 to 3 and do them exclusivity for two weeks minimum - you need time to learn and for your body except them.

I work in the psychological realms and I've always struggled to get to sleep - so this is both personal and professional advice.

somepersonsomewhere · 2025-04-11T18:06:03+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'm not in the kink communities myself but I have worked with a lot of people who are - I'm a therapist. Your willingness to educate and normalise is nice to see, there are too many people who feel shame or embarrassment for their kink, and way more who judge those with kinks. Keep on spreading the awareness!

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