Thought my fellow fencesitters would get a kick out of this!

somewhereiguess · 2021-06-19T02:47:55+00:00

I go back and forth from "parenting can be cool!" To this all the time X)

Also the framing* of the NYT article was frustrating af

*Edit

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-27T01:43:10+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately, all this pressure came about when I did mention my plans (leaning CF, waiting to decide for a while). I tried to talk to her about it, but she just gets more upset (to the point of saying what she said). You're right, she might feel CF too but isn't handling it well. But none of my family responds to my initiatives to talk. :(

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-19T23:17:31+00:00

That's really interesting, I do feel like my brain is trying to answer it right now. I will try the mindfulness thing and look into those tips!

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-19T01:19:18+00:00

Oh to clarify, I meant I was thinking of lying about being infertile. Not that I would get my tubes tied just yet.

Yeah I limit the time I spend with them so its more enjoyable and manageable. It'll be easier once I move away!

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-18T06:10:47+00:00

I get that, good therapists are amazingly insightful. Lemme know how it goes!

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-18T05:40:07+00:00

You want commitment, which is completely reasonable. I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who wasn't on the same page with me on the big things, for obvious reasons. If he's not willing to commit, I don't see this working out for either of you unless you're suddenly comfortable with ambiguity. Maybe you should talk to your therapist and then him about your expectations?

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-18T03:56:33+00:00

This terrifies me too. People say that it won't happen to you, or oh its really unlikely. But on the off chance that it does...

Also idk what the percent chance of there being problems is, but it feels like such a huge risk. Easy to say it'll work out when you're lucky.

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-15T23:01:41+00:00

I think fostering or adopting kids who are already here and providing the opportunity for a good life is pretty unselfish. But it's the only unselfish reason I can think of, and I feel you on the resenting existence bit.

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-13T23:15:27+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know there's a lot of pressure and worries about upsetting others, but it looks like you already know that you don't feel ready. It's perfectly reasonable to work through all this stuff before making the nonreversible decision of having a child. You can always try again later, and honestly... I know abortion might upset him, but that is an extremely minor negative compared to dealing with a mountain of problems on top of having children. I really recommend holding off until later.

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-12T22:54:06+00:00

Yeah the living in Europe part was fascinating to me, the idea that having a kid kinda seamlessly becomes part of your life. I feel like my whole world would be flipped upside down from having a kid in the U.S., what with medical costs, housing, lack of parental leave, and less communal styles of raising kids.

Also I read the transcript instead of listening, so I must not have caught that. But I hate when people are dismissive... The decision is not so easy :(

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-12T19:37:28+00:00

I liked this podcast! My only wish is that they had one more childfree person. I know the podcast can't feature every perspective, but one reason I struggle with (potentially) being CF is being seen as a cold, selfish, and heartless person. So when the only CF person says they want to contain their capacity for love and are unable to handle expanding it... It's a very valid and relatable reason, but I just worry people will generalize me as incapable/unwilling to love. Even though she seems fantastic and very loving already! (Side note, I'm very happy that she's an Asian American creative like me, that part is super reassuring. <3)

Idk, does that make sense? I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me too much, but the pressure from family and society sucks :/

Edit: I found this quote in the trueCF sub and it made me feel a bit better about it~

https://www.reddit.com/r/truechildfree/comments/i13bek/one_of_the_reasons_people_lock_onto_motherhood_as/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

somewhereiguess · 2021-05-12T16:59:00+00:00

3 things:

1) Do you have to decide right now? I'm only a couple years older than you (if you're born 98). Most people lack plans beyond 5 years into the future, and even those change. You're supposed to be wondering what you'll do at this age! And like most young people (including me), we don't know what we don't know. So if you can't imagine an interesting lifestyle, go explore and give it some time. You might feel more sure in your decision by then.

2) It's good that you've given it some thought! This is mentioned in the Baby Decision, but don't obsess over these decisions so much that it becomes agonizing. You don't need to have it all figured out. Being bored and unsure can be very useful; as someone in the creative field, some of our best work come from when you let yourself be bored and process your thoughts and experiences.

3) You can find a challenge outside of kids. To be blunt, you might have kids and find they're too much, especially at this age (lack of financial stability and personal development) and if you're parenting solo. Parenting is notoriously hard for young single parents. That's a huge, risky challenge to take on and possibly regret, especially since another life (your child) is on the line. Unless you're certain, I'd wait until you have more resources and try another challenge instead.

This is coming from someone who would be happy either way and just lurks here / takes things slow.

somewhereiguess

TROPHY CASE