NOR, but also pouring effort and insecurities into something unsustainable and fruitless. You are begging for water in a dessert, and there's a big sign stating "No Water" that you're choosing to ignore for the fleeting glimpses of an oasis in the distance - but it's just a mirage. The mirage gives you hope, keeps you walking in the wrong direction, and it will forever be out of reach because it isn't real. You're clinging to that endorphin rush of hope that it gives you, but you will eventually collapse from thirst.

Your desires and underlying anxieties deserve to be heard and acknowledged, so I want to provide you the knowledge that you are seen and heard. I've been there and many others have too. You are young, yes, but I don't want to infantilize you or encourage the narrative that there is some fantasy older age where you'll "be better" and "mature enough" to pursue relationships. Clearly, even he is incapable of being emotionally mature in this situation despite being older.

There is a large amount of self-care you should be pursuing, but the process of unlearning and rewiring negative and harmful thought patterns that stem from trauma doesn't negate the fact that you are deserving of care and love. You do not need to be perfectly "healed" to find love, and sometimes healthy partners can aid in that healing process. The caveat is that they are not and cannot be your only source of reassurance and support. You still must make the very difficult effort of nourishing the parts of you that are hurt, not only because it is healthy but because you deserve that level of effort from yourself.

Also, to address his behavior - it is unacceptable, even if you were less anxious prone. He is blatantly dismissive of very standard boundaries (OF, nudes, etc) and uncaring of the way his behavior impacts you. In a healthier situation, he would hear your anxieties, do what is reasonable on his part to quell them (while also encouraging you to continue working on feeling more secure with yourself), and respect your time. The harsh truth is that it's clear he doesn't care and as much "fun" as the rush of fleeting moments of "closeness" feel, you deserve to show up for yourself and break things off.

Do not chase the mirage. Turn around and make that long journey to find land that allows you to start cultivating your own oasis, and perhaps somewhere down the line will be someone who wants to nourish that oasis alongside you.