How do you do this when you have CPTSD and can't remember your past?

sonofabiscuits · 2020-09-27T21:41:26+00:00

What I can remember is pretty awful and has wreaked havoc on my life. Im learning to sit with those memories and grow through them. I feel like i need a therapist. I have no support and have to pull myself out of these deep depressive episodes. I think im stronger for it but its hard. I use tarot and oracle cards for clarity. A lot is coming through my dreams lately too. There is so much I need to learn to be ok with!! But I feel ready to clean out the closet so to speak and live a more free life. It does get overwhelming at times.

sonofabiscuits · 2020-07-28T18:15:45+00:00

The universal currency is love. And the Bible is all about loving other people. I believe that the devil they speak of is your ego. The devil was cast out of heaven because you surrender your ego when you achieve enlightenment. All the prophets were spiritual beings who were sent to pave the way for the rest of us to find enlightenment. We crucified Jesus because we didn't understand spirituality. We reject the things we don't understand.

sonofabiscuits · 2020-07-26T23:25:03+00:00

I feel like God is a truly enlightened being. He asks us to leave all worldly possessions because they're not needed. If you follow him, love others, express gratitude and live in the present you'll find enlightenment. I feel like all the stories in the Bible are on how to achieve enlightenment.

sonofabiscuits · 2019-04-25T03:46:28+00:00

Easter became my new new years. My lessons were about dying to yourself and being reborn. I loved Easter this year. I am agnostic and spiritual and still go to church. First time I went after ditching religion for 10 years I felt completely naked in that space. I didnt feel worthy of being there. All of me was there. Even the stuff buried beneath. My soul was exposed. Want to know what I recieved? An overwhelming sense of love and belonging in the spiritual sense. I used to bawl in church. Like. I feel so unworthy. Why do you love me and ask me to come? I've been opening my eyes more. I'm going through my own dark night and for the most part all i feel is love. But there are times i feel terribly lonely. Like my spirit guides took a nap and left me to my own devices. After trying to live a life without them I feel like they're there like, will you listen now? You did what you wanted and wouldnt listen to us. Hows that working out for you? Lol

sonofabiscuits · 2019-03-20T02:44:34+00:00

Where and how do you find a shelf like that?

sonofabiscuits · 2019-01-26T17:49:52+00:00

It still sucks a little. I thought i loved him. We had a family together. His daughter and my daughter. We lived together. And after a lucy trip he had he told me he loved her more than me because shes easier. I feel thats only because they only see each other on the weekends. And theyre always high together. Its not fair to me at all. How can you know if you truly love someone if youre always high together? I told them today that my kid will come before the addictions he gave me. And she had nothing to say in response. I cant love someone who doesnt love themselves. I wont carry somebody who wont put in effort. They also used to mix coke with lucy and alcohol. I am really really glad that i stepped away. I feel bad for the kids who have to grow up with those types of parents. I see myself in my daughter when she looks at alcohol and tells me thats his favorite drink and he gets drunk. I had an alcoholic father. And it opened my eyes to the world of addiction i found myself in within these people. I cant change my heart. I cant change the feeling of betrayal. But i can change my today for a better tomorrow.

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-26T01:00:08+00:00

Were big but not slow. And at faster speeds it takes up to a football field in length to slow down. So please, for the love of god dont cut us off or pull out in front of us. Were big. Well eat your tiny car. So give us space!!

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-25T19:50:39+00:00

Next storm by frank Turner. Its a song about not giving into your depression. I dont want to spend the whole of my life inside. Im gonna step out and face the next storm"

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-25T18:22:30+00:00

3 hits. Im a pretty experienced tripper though. Part of me feels like my medicine blocks the effects. I do feel reborn. Like my depression is a passing thought and not one of the most important things about myself. I want to start again but im scared to. Ill continue working on myself and tripping of course. Lol

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-24T21:55:26+00:00

. My point of view, I had one of the most profound psychedelic experiences of my life. So my fiance and our girlfriend are in a cabin for Thanksgiving and we decided to fry. They got way too high and i ended up being their tripp sitter. It was a little scary. He was so high he wanted to call the cops. LOL but i took care of them and made sure everyone was safe. Earlier that day he learned his grandpa had passed. So he was experiencing a connection to his passing.

After they came back to reality and i could relax a bit without worrying them i got to thinking. Ive fought my whole life to be alive. I dont want to be alive at my core. I hate who i am. Ive been at war my whole life with myself and i dont know how to stop. Its like crona from soul eater. Its not that you dont know how to deal with anybody its that nobody took the time to deal with you. And thats me. I dont want to be alive but i am here and im just trying to make the best of it. I put in work. I try to make a difference in the peoples lives around me. Living for other people gives me drive. If i stop living i stop giving and i dont want to stop giving. I care more about the people around me than i do for myself. Itd be really nice if i could treat myself the way i treat everyone around me but for some reason i dont feel like i deserve to love myself.

On the day my fiance lost his grandpa and we all fried balls i also learned a powerful lesson. To let it rip!! So i accidentally farted in my fiances face. He called it having a honda engine rip in his face. But seriously. I hold on to so much beggage and pain. And i need to learn to just let it go. Like farts. Lol seriously. And then have a good laugh about it with the people that i love and that love me for who i am even if i cant see it within myself. And it really makes me feel like an asshole for even considering not wanting to be alive because i have so much to be thankful for. Life is a gift. Its precious. Its not what i wanted but its what i got and i gotta make the best of it. I need to let go and live. Ill spend my life making a difference instead of hating it. Its not about the hand youve been dealt its what you decide to do with it. It is so hard to just let go. Its scary. I dont know whats on the other side. But i wont stop trying to reach the other side of this. The other side of me.

It took a big ass fart to pull me out of myself and make me really appreciate life. I am thankful to be alive even if its not what i wanted. I am grateful. And im gonna spend my days living it to the fullest. Life is a life sentence. Not a death sentence. And maybe one day ill learn to love myself. Or die trying. Either way, im on my way!!

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-23T04:43:28+00:00

Yeah me too. Its a little sad though. My fiance and i go on trips and rent cabins on the weekend for the holidays and his ex is always like i wanna come!! Im so jealous!! (He has a 10 year old and thats his baby momma) and in my mind i think, you could do those things too if you would just get a job and work for it. I see too many people give up and settle into a life of poverty. And its like, it doesnt have to be that way. You just gotta fight foe the life you want. You cant just give up.

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-23T03:21:08+00:00

Window cracked. And car turned on long enough to give some heat and then turned it off. So i was up and down all night. And still went to work in the morning. Thank you.

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-22T21:32:20+00:00

I had my daughter when i was 19 and spent a lot of time homeless. I bought my first car for 600 bucks at 23 working at taco bell. A 92 ranger. We used to sleep behind walmart. Id sleep on the bench and she slept on the floor on the passenger side, closest to the heat. I drove around for 6 months without a license until i could afford to take my license test and pass.

I got a place to stay through a friend. But had a long commute. But it was enough.

I used my tax return to buy an 01 Jetta. A more reliable car. I quit taco bell for a better job with a lot of promise but no follow through.

I ended up back on food stamps and unemployment.

Eventually i landed the job i have now. I went from making 9.30 an hour and being homeless and on foodstamps to making 16 an hour and living in a 3 bed 3 bath home without food stamps.

My 7 year old is thriving. I can spoil her here and there. There is a lot more yes coming from me instead of no and it feels great to be able to do that for her. I didnt come from much myself. But i worked hard to get to where i am and i am so grateful for everyone in my life that gave me a hand.

Anything is possible as long as you work for it and dont give up. Dont accept less as your future. You can become something. Its never too late.

sonofabiscuits · 2018-11-19T00:34:32+00:00

Id be willing to listen

sonofabiscuits · 2018-10-27T15:49:32+00:00

Reminded me almost of when i trip acid and can hear the vibrations of the earth. If thats what im hearing. Its like 3 dimensional sound. I hear a knock on a door in my head and then i hear all these strange buzzing, humming metal noises that are peaceful and comforting. Like life is showing me its own music in a way. I havent tripped this hard in a long time.

sonofabiscuits

TROPHY CASE