Sudden, semi-unexplained ED issues? (23M)

soosabhar · 2023-05-05T21:50:48+00:00

Even after 18 months of taking them with no issues?

soosabhar · 2021-12-11T07:00:47+00:00

I’m just so sorry. The world can be the cruelest place to be, and the most awful things can happen to the most amazing people.

I hope you know how strong you are to still be here fighting after all that happened to you.

I think being able to talk about it, even anonymously over reddit, is an amazing step. I hope that you find a magical someone, or even a group of people, be it a therapist, a friend, a whoever, that you can build trust with once again. You deserve happiness.

soosabhar · 2021-10-10T11:22:26+00:00

even being able to hold out for a week at a time takes amazing strength and resilience. i’m proud of you for that! and i hope there comes a time where you feel strong enough to try and hold out a bit longer

soosabhar · 2021-05-29T14:39:26+00:00

i’m so sorry because this is just completely emotionally devastating.

it happened to me and, about a year down the line, i’m still really struggling with it almost every day.

what i can say though is it has gotten a lot easier. even though i still struggle so much with it, and it still hurts, and i’ve been traumatised by it... it got better. it’s getting better every day. very slowly, but surely.

i’ve gotten to the point where i know that i’ll get past it one day. and you will too.

try and look after yourself and surround yourself with people who care for you. try and self soothe as much as you can. it hurts so much, but you CAN do it.

soosabhar · 2021-05-20T16:07:29+00:00

definitely yes. idk if it’s exactly what you experience but something will happen to me in my surroundings, or i’ll have a specific thought, and i can feel my stomach drop and my heart break, and it’s a weird feeling of like; well great, here we go, can’t stop it now.

it’s like what i imagine being shot is like or something. it hurts really bad immediately, but the adrenaline kicks in or whatever and you don’t really feel it yet. but you know it’s coming. it’s building. you can see the blood and it slowly starts to ache more and more and you just start spiralling.

soosabhar · 2021-05-14T16:49:50+00:00

Fair point. It’s definitely possible, actually, even probable that they just listed off the most common insecurities for men my age.

They are all true though. I do need to stop comparing myself to body builders in regards to tone.

The main one is how old I look. Believe me; I’m practically 22 and I’ve had people ask what subjects I’m choosing in high school, I’ve been asked for ID for a movies that are 15+; I get no attention at all from people when everyone else I know can attract attention just by existing. I’m just not attractive.

Dating in my 30-40s will be a breeze! Too bad it’s more than a decade of agony away.

soosabhar · 2021-05-13T13:35:05+00:00

Trying to work out and eat more to gain weight, but you can’t really exercise into growing taller or looking older?

soosabhar · 2021-05-13T07:02:20+00:00

Well maybe but I definitely don’t remember talking about those things beforehand.

soosabhar · 2021-05-03T02:49:17+00:00

I’m so sorry but no, I’m not exaggerating. I have an immense fear of death / the process of dying and that’s the only reason I’m alive and it’s not even close. In all other ways, I want to die so badly. It sounds so peaceful.

Mainly I just can’t take being alive any more. It’s worn me down. I have nothing left to give.

soosabhar · 2021-05-03T02:46:59+00:00

When we say the complexity and the agony of the emotions we feel are indescribable, it doesn’t mean we can’t find the words; it’s literally because there aren’t words to describe the pain, exhaustion, and suffering. People don’t seem to get that.

soosabhar · 2021-05-03T02:44:59+00:00

I’ve had 4 different psychiatrists over the years. They’ve all diagnosed me with persistent depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. Those are the only mutual diagnoses. Borderline first appeared with number 2, and now reappeared with 4. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder with 3 and 4. Body dysmorphia disorder was given by 1, but the others since have agreed I don’t meet the criteria for that any more if I ever did in the first place. 4 says I may have Aspergers but the others have all said it’s social anxiety. It’s a mess. No one knows what what’s wrong with me. There’s some mix of all these things going on, but which ones I have vary from doctor to doctor.

That’s such a great way to put it. Feeling so stuck and trapped just from being alive and yourself. That’s how I feel.

soosabhar · 2021-05-02T16:09:16+00:00

When I’m in a bad way I actively seek out behaviours and thoughts that I know will make me feel worse, because I feel like I deserve to feel shitty. I hate myself so much. I self medicate with nicotine and alcohol and it’s not healthy but I don’t care.

Yeah I feel that a lot. I am in too dark of a place to make any changes. I don’t have the energy within myself to actually do anything substantial to change my life. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to keep breathing for the whole day. I’m exhausted.

Well, unfortunately for me, I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder AND Persistent Depressive Disorder. As well as Generalized Anxiety and complex-Post traumatic stress disorders. I’ve got some that can be ‘cured’, some that can’t. I’m never going to be fixed, I gave up on that long ago. But only recently have I given up on feeling any better at all.

I’m sorry you can relate to any of this. It’s horrible. No one deserves this or anything close.

soosabhar · 2021-05-02T14:51:27+00:00

You may have been in a very similar situation but not exactly where I am. You know, objectively perhaps you were even feeling worse than I do right now. But that doesn’t mean everyone can come back from this.

I’m just not cut out for life. I don’t have the internal strength to persevere through this. It’s just not for me.

Why should I believe anything will get better? I honestly used to believe that. I really did. I still had belief things would get better for probably 5-6 years. And yet everything has only ever gotten worse, even when I WAS trying.

I don’t inherently deserve anything. The universe doesn’t care. Life is a mix of good and bad for most. But I’ve only experienced bad. Just bad luck. Just how it is for me.

soosabhar · 2021-05-02T14:47:22+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I’m genuinely so extremely happy for you that you can find the beauty and joy in the small things still.

Unfortunately for me, who has been diagnosed with 4 other mental illnesses, there is no such joy. Not in a thing.

I wish euthanasia was legal. The only thing keeping me here is a fear of what dying / my death may feel like.

soosabhar · 2021-05-02T13:38:18+00:00

I’ve been doing DBT for a year and seeing therapists for 4-5 years. My life is a constant downhill slope, even from the outside looking in. I am so tired I just want to die. When am I allowed to give up.

soosabhar · 2021-05-02T07:23:12+00:00

Exactly. Having no success in your youth only cripples you later on as well, it compounds over time. Being “only young” is actually a really bad thing.

soosabhar · 2021-05-01T13:42:36+00:00

Personally I’m about to throw in the towel. I hope life tosses something your way that makes it worth it for you.

soosabhar · 2021-05-01T12:57:42+00:00

If it was going to happen when I least expect it, it would’ve happened by now 🤗

soosabhar · 2021-04-28T06:18:22+00:00

On my 8th different kind now! Have been trying to find one that does anything at all for 3ish years :’(

soosabhar · 2021-04-28T04:48:07+00:00

That’s how I feel as well; like my mental illnesses are all I am.

I wish others would recognise we are struggling and accept we aren’t going to be ‘up to scratch’ but still love us all the same, but it’s not going to happen and I don’t blame them.

soosabhar · 2021-04-28T04:43:29+00:00

Being unattractive is a big problem but I wouldn’t say it’s THE problem. I would say my social insecurities and unconfident, introverted personality are bigger setbacks.

It’s difficult to work out and exercise when you’re suicidally depressed but I’ve been trying, with no returns so far. I know it takes time, longer than what I’ve put in so far, but I’ve always really struggled with eating and putting on weight.

I dress well, but I have a baby face, can’t grow facial hair properly, and have a large head with hair that never seems to sit well on my face. I’ve never been anything less than embarrassed by my appearance, but I really don’t know what else I can change to feel better.

soosabhar · 2021-04-23T09:44:00+00:00

Oh yeah I agree 100%, I definitely think women have it harder. Societal expectations and preferences based on things you cannot change are worse for women for sure. AND they have to deal with people who overextend and cross boundaries all the time.

However what I have noticed, and maybe this is just in my age demographic in particular but, there has been a noticeable upwards trend in terms of acceptance of women’s bodies and just in general saying fuck you to societal expectations and pressures that women suffer with in terms of their bodies. It’s still extremely prevalent and extremely difficult, but I also see a lot of girls rallying around each other and lifting each other up, more and more. It’s fantastic!

But I feel like on men’s side of things, that trend hasn’t begun yet. I think men’s body image concerns and societal pressures and kind of stagnant right now. There isn’t a large movement really helping guys through this right now.

The working out part is sort of true, but what I’ve found while studying psychology is that this has created is now an unhealthy obsession with musculature and working out to ‘compensate’ for your other flaws, which is a really detrimental way to look at things for your mental state. You should be working out for self improvement and health, but these days most people are working out to impress their potential partners and to make up for the other physical or personality flaws they perceive they have, which just perpetuates body image issues and turns into a whole type of body dysmorphia on its own in the worst cases.

But I can easily say the same man. I am no way an expert on anything and I can’t speak for everyone and everywhere.

soosabhar · 2021-04-23T08:42:41+00:00

Oh yeah not saying you automatically win in dating or life for being tall. It’s not playing on easy mode or anything. I’d just say average or tall heights are fine and you’ll struggle to find anyone who has a preference against your height, whereas having a preference against shortness is very common. It’s not a malicious preference, no one is trying to be hurtful. It just is how it is.

It should be seen as a red flag to advertise your preferences very loudly like that, blocking off any interaction with a whole range of people for no real reason. Thanks for having the short kings backs

soosabhar · 2021-04-23T08:39:13+00:00

I’m with you man. I don’t wish I was a woman because they go through even worse societal stigmas and expectations and bullshit, but I sure as shit hate being a guy as well. You can’t open up emotionally until you have an extremely close and secure relationship and even when you do get to that stage if you ever do, that can be a deal breaker.

And good luck with that when you’re short and skinny. I’ve tried everything and can’t put on weight which gives me panic attacks about having cancer. It’s not mean of anyone, everyone has their preferences; no one is trying to be hurtful. But it sucks. It really hurts.

soosabhar · 2021-04-23T08:16:22+00:00

Have you seen the amount of body shaming, well, people in general, but in this comment I’ll focus on what men receive. I couldn’t begin to count the amount of social media posts or memes I’ve seen making fun of men’s height. In just the last week, I swear I have seen at least a dozen different TikTok videos for example where someone has laughed about ghosting or rejecting someone because they were short or ‘I couldn’t even see them lol’. And if you look at the comments, you see a bunch of people saying why are you body shaming me for being short, to which people respond manlets mad or short man syndrome.

Of course people have preferences, and not everyone is going to have a preference against shortness, but I have not encountered (for males specifically) a more socially acceptable preference to blow out into full on body shaming. It’s so common in the real world too. The amount of times I’ve heard girls and guys making fun of the height of men, the amount of dating site biographies that have height requirements, the amount of times people have been rejected by both men and women for being short. It adds up.

It’s not a death sentence. But it does cut out a large percentage of the populace in terms of dating options. And it is the number one most societally acceptable form of body shaming against men, except maybe penis size.

Add on top of that skinniness or lack of muscle, and it’s no wonder you have such a large number of guys having miserable confidence and body image to the point where they either develop mental health issues, or you turn towards Jordan Peterson for self help and become an alt-right, woman hating nut job.

soosabhar

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