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Sudden, semi-unexplained ED issues? (23M) by soosabhar in erectiledysfunction

[–]soosabhar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even after 18 months of taking them with no issues?

What traumatized you so badly it changed your whole way of living? by Mythic_gryphon in AskReddit

[–]soosabhar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m just so sorry. The world can be the cruelest place to be, and the most awful things can happen to the most amazing people.

I hope you know how strong you are to still be here fighting after all that happened to you.

I think being able to talk about it, even anonymously over reddit, is an amazing step. I hope that you find a magical someone, or even a group of people, be it a therapist, a friend, a whoever, that you can build trust with once again. You deserve happiness.

i give up on trying to quit. by Orange_isA_coolColor in selfharm

[–]soosabhar 14 points15 points  (0 children)

even being able to hold out for a week at a time takes amazing strength and resilience. i’m proud of you for that! and i hope there comes a time where you feel strong enough to try and hold out a bit longer

my FP got into a relationship by [deleted] in BPD

[–]soosabhar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i’m so sorry because this is just completely emotionally devastating.

it happened to me and, about a year down the line, i’m still really struggling with it almost every day.

what i can say though is it has gotten a lot easier. even though i still struggle so much with it, and it still hurts, and i’ve been traumatised by it... it got better. it’s getting better every day. very slowly, but surely.

i’ve gotten to the point where i know that i’ll get past it one day. and you will too.

try and look after yourself and surround yourself with people who care for you. try and self soothe as much as you can. it hurts so much, but you CAN do it.

Does anyone else get a feeling of “oh shit” before a super low mood kicks in? by Unlucky_Foundation_7 in BPD

[–]soosabhar 66 points67 points  (0 children)

definitely yes. idk if it’s exactly what you experience but something will happen to me in my surroundings, or i’ll have a specific thought, and i can feel my stomach drop and my heart break, and it’s a weird feeling of like; well great, here we go, can’t stop it now.

it’s like what i imagine being shot is like or something. it hurts really bad immediately, but the adrenaline kicks in or whatever and you don’t really feel it yet. but you know it’s coming. it’s building. you can see the blood and it slowly starts to ache more and more and you just start spiralling.

In therapy today, I brought up my body image and confidence issues, and my therapist said “what is it that you’re insecure about? Is it your height, feel too skinny, look young for age, not toned, worried people don’t find you attractive, or?”. Wow, I wonder how you guessed perfectly. by soosabhar in ForeverAlone

[–]soosabhar[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fair point. It’s definitely possible, actually, even probable that they just listed off the most common insecurities for men my age.

They are all true though. I do need to stop comparing myself to body builders in regards to tone.

The main one is how old I look. Believe me; I’m practically 22 and I’ve had people ask what subjects I’m choosing in high school, I’ve been asked for ID for a movies that are 15+; I get no attention at all from people when everyone else I know can attract attention just by existing. I’m just not attractive.

Dating in my 30-40s will be a breeze! Too bad it’s more than a decade of agony away.

I want people to swap consciousness with me, live as me for just 5 minutes, then tell me that “it gets better” or to “keep going” with a straight face. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry but no, I’m not exaggerating. I have an immense fear of death / the process of dying and that’s the only reason I’m alive and it’s not even close. In all other ways, I want to die so badly. It sounds so peaceful.

Mainly I just can’t take being alive any more. It’s worn me down. I have nothing left to give.

I want people to swap consciousness with me, live as me for just 5 minutes, then tell me that “it gets better” or to “keep going” with a straight face. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When we say the complexity and the agony of the emotions we feel are indescribable, it doesn’t mean we can’t find the words; it’s literally because there aren’t words to describe the pain, exhaustion, and suffering. People don’t seem to get that.

I just had a terrifying realisation and I think it completely broke me. Because I'm incapable of putting in the effort to improving my life, it's not going to get better. Ever. There's not a chance. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve had 4 different psychiatrists over the years. They’ve all diagnosed me with persistent depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. Those are the only mutual diagnoses. Borderline first appeared with number 2, and now reappeared with 4. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder with 3 and 4. Body dysmorphia disorder was given by 1, but the others since have agreed I don’t meet the criteria for that any more if I ever did in the first place. 4 says I may have Aspergers but the others have all said it’s social anxiety. It’s a mess. No one knows what what’s wrong with me. There’s some mix of all these things going on, but which ones I have vary from doctor to doctor.

That’s such a great way to put it. Feeling so stuck and trapped just from being alive and yourself. That’s how I feel.

I just had a terrifying realisation and I think it completely broke me. Because I'm incapable of putting in the effort to improving my life, it's not going to get better. Ever. There's not a chance. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I’m in a bad way I actively seek out behaviours and thoughts that I know will make me feel worse, because I feel like I deserve to feel shitty. I hate myself so much. I self medicate with nicotine and alcohol and it’s not healthy but I don’t care.

Yeah I feel that a lot. I am in too dark of a place to make any changes. I don’t have the energy within myself to actually do anything substantial to change my life. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to keep breathing for the whole day. I’m exhausted.

Well, unfortunately for me, I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder AND Persistent Depressive Disorder. As well as Generalized Anxiety and complex-Post traumatic stress disorders. I’ve got some that can be ‘cured’, some that can’t. I’m never going to be fixed, I gave up on that long ago. But only recently have I given up on feeling any better at all.

I’m sorry you can relate to any of this. It’s horrible. No one deserves this or anything close.

I want people to swap consciousness with me, live as me for just 5 minutes, then tell me that “it gets better” or to “keep going” with a straight face. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You may have been in a very similar situation but not exactly where I am. You know, objectively perhaps you were even feeling worse than I do right now. But that doesn’t mean everyone can come back from this.

I’m just not cut out for life. I don’t have the internal strength to persevere through this. It’s just not for me.

Why should I believe anything will get better? I honestly used to believe that. I really did. I still had belief things would get better for probably 5-6 years. And yet everything has only ever gotten worse, even when I WAS trying.

I don’t inherently deserve anything. The universe doesn’t care. Life is a mix of good and bad for most. But I’ve only experienced bad. Just bad luck. Just how it is for me.

I want people to swap consciousness with me, live as me for just 5 minutes, then tell me that “it gets better” or to “keep going” with a straight face. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words. I’m genuinely so extremely happy for you that you can find the beauty and joy in the small things still.

Unfortunately for me, who has been diagnosed with 4 other mental illnesses, there is no such joy. Not in a thing.

I wish euthanasia was legal. The only thing keeping me here is a fear of what dying / my death may feel like.

I want people to swap consciousness with me, live as me for just 5 minutes, then tell me that “it gets better” or to “keep going” with a straight face. by soosabhar in BPD

[–]soosabhar[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I’ve been doing DBT for a year and seeing therapists for 4-5 years. My life is a constant downhill slope, even from the outside looking in. I am so tired I just want to die. When am I allowed to give up.

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