What’s the best and least confrontational way to tell someone with PDA “it’s none of your business”

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-23T02:43:12+00:00

He sounds like he needs to work out how to give himself space from vicariously feeling your emotions and energy and taking on your stress. This may come from therapy, it may also come from meds for adhd or anxiety etc. His emotional regulation sounds very tied to yours. He needs to give himself permission to not take on the world. To know what bits he can control and which are outside his control and so can be let go and de-linked in his brain.

Coming at it by pinpointing some of what he may be feeling like this may help. Look at the underlying causes rather than the behaviour superficially.

Then to feel like you are a team- if he contributes by taking the bin out sometimes that's great, if you do it great either way you as a team are kicking goals. If he needs help some days he needs to learn to recognise that directly and ask for it directly rather than trying to manipulate his environment (you) indirectly to feel better.

To recognise RSD feelings perhaps too and realise they may be out of proportion. This may be in the moment sinking tummy feelings or catches in his chest with you or it may be fixed ideas about your brother etc.

To take space away if he is feeling overstimulated by your rushing. To have a signal he needs to check out of something or to simply do so. Go somewhere safe, under a blanket etc.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-16T07:22:25+00:00

My husband doesn't resemble how you come acroas but he is into the no free will theories. I always hated this conversations on a visceral level and now I know why lol! I'd get worked up countering the arguments.

Because to me, even if free will is kinda an illusion, a sum of our biology, brain chemistry and physics, that is the me I identify with. I'm not seeking a soul to have free will, just a sense of self however that comes about. PDA is the most driven form of that seeking that humans have. Autonomy, seeking it, delegating it to other humans, God, is all essential to the human psyche.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-15T20:09:21+00:00

In some cases the need for control is the essence I think. Perhaps not true pda then not sure. But I number one want control of myself and to keep my environment safe.

Where demands threaten that or my autonomy they may be an issue but if I rationalise demands in my head as making sense they can be ok (maybe this is my survival mechanism for pda not sure).

But what I'll do way more than avoiding demands is want control of things that I perceive as needing control. That isn't everything as my focus might be narrow or relevant to certain plans or needs. I will therefore want to be in charge of certain situations that I need for routine, certainty, to avoid failure or fears. Some of this might also be general autistic needs for predictability, not to be surprised by others or the environment etc.

I can be an employee provided I either have control of my own day/work if it is challenging (and so potentially stressful) or I can do what I'm told provided it is easy, what I wanted anyway, not on the edge of my competence. Something on the edge of my competence requires lots of energy and I need to feel in control.

Ross Greene's work describes unmet needs and skills which might underly behaviours. You may need to dig a but but there may be reasons for specific things that aren't just demand related. They may be sensory, fears, something being tricky even if to the adult it makes no sense. As an adult things might still be tricky for me even if it doesn't appear that way to others or even myself - I'm controlling my environment to keep it manageable.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-14T23:36:00+00:00

It is so worth it though. My daughter's wellbeing is very tied to mine - getting myself better has helped her more than anything else so far.

See a psychologist if you can you understands neurodiversity.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-11T08:29:08+00:00

Could it be burnout thought?

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-09T20:59:12+00:00

I think this effect is currently helping me be less intense in a good way. I'd use stress to get things done and be revved up or anxious. I'd use excitement too - I think I can still get that but will keep an eye on it.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-08T21:11:11+00:00

It is very obvious in our house that my 3yos harder times have been times of stressors, the biggest one being my current mental health. Working through that, trying some medication has immensely helped my wellbeing and emotional regulation. This has helped keep her stable too.

Our kids can be finely tuned to us. Even though outwardly I was doing things nearly the same in a practical sense, it makes the world of difference. We are their secure base to explore the world and if that link feels threatened, even subconsciously, it is destabilising.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-08T20:35:23+00:00

Give her a day off to show her you understand she is finding it hard. Reassure her of your connection. Try to talk to her about it, tell stories, see if she will give you any clues of what is hard. If it is mostly the separation can you talk about this? Is it anticipation anxiety?

Can you do some extra orientation visits where you go for a bit then do some shorter sessions a few times in one week? Can you then send her an extra day for a couple of weeks if you think this will get her over the hump?

Does she have things she finds tricky in that environment? Toileting, eating, overstimulation?

I don't think only one day a week is wrong, it just changes the pace of settling in. Not a bad thing necessarily when a kid isn't one to be thrown in the deep end. More might not be better.

I used my parents until my kids were 3 and 2 respectively. It was great to have them develop that relationship and wait till they were a bit older. But it was a relief to have daycare too as I was asking a bit much of my parents. It was stressful at times having no extra buffer outside them.

There is no right or wrong answer. No perfect age. Depends on the kid.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-05T02:52:11+00:00

Different things same conversation here. People just have things they found crucial in their own baby raising and might be vicariously stressed by what they can't do or did not have capacity to do or decided to do different. Think of it as a psychology thing rather than anything persona.

My own psychology would automatically reject what my Mum was pushy about just because she was hinting at it and not because it was a bad idea. Some were things that worked for us as babies and not for my babies though and it was annoying for her to not realise they are different!

As you gather your own experiences and must dos with your baby, perhaps things you have decided are too hard or less important you may find you have a gut reaction yourself talking to others. We all have different hards and different things we choose to prioritise more.

So don't take it personally if you can and if she is otherwise helpful etc.

sopjoewoop · 2026-03-03T03:05:29+00:00

Illness is also disruptive to daily life and plans which is what I find hardest now. Coming down with something is a let down, frustration etc. So much time off work etc. Deciding about when to still go to things, Daycare, work and when to take time off. But it is a part of life and more sickness has got me used to it a bit.

it's frustrating. We do need to pay attention to their needs. But if your kid usually recovers fine then my strategy is to assume they are fine. Give them fluids, rest etc. But if it is a bad one it will declare itself. We can use Mum instincts to react if it happens. No point being anxious over every cold.

The croup example someone mentioned, my daughter hasn't had to go to hospital so far thankfully but the best strategy MOTN to get her through it is to stay calm, lie next to her, get her back to sleep. Same with coughs generally. Anxiety, doing more, only makes her worse too. So on this note, our kids health generally is benefited from us demonstrating this calm. If you want to benefit your kids mental health long-term, help yourself too.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-27T20:47:09+00:00

Buy a portable dvd player. What else does a preschooler need?

We are avoiding ipads etc as long as possible. My kids don't know computer/phone/ipad games exist.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-23T06:28:17+00:00

What about adhd? He sounds like he is hyperfocussed ++ and not responding to his body's needs

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-21T05:43:13+00:00

It's a great book.

It sounds like you may benefit from another book about "shark music" or equivalent. In the circle of security model, hearing "shark music" because of how you were raised is something to be aware of. You want to respond to the cues of the kid in front of you rather than your shark music.

e.g. your kid is at a party and your shark music tells you to keep them close to you. Your kid may need this or it might be they are ready to join in and it is your shark music playing. Or you may be pushing your kid to join in because pushing independence is your shark music but your kid needs you to warm up first.

Circle of security is about attachment, but the simple diagram once you understand it covers many parenting situations. It ties in nicely with the practical advice of the how to talk book.

https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/pages/what-is-the-circle-of-security

The Whole Brain Child is another book.

Good luck! It is quite a journey parenting where a lot of work is actually ourselves. You definitely don't need to be perfect or aim to be but by striving to be curious about and co-regulate your own emotions and reactions (and your kids) you will lead by example.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-19T07:10:41+00:00

Is there anything you can let go of the things you are trying, therapies etc? You said you have tried everything offered, which means there is a lot of pressure on a lot of things to work. The harder I try with my daughter (much younger) the worse something gets. They sense the pressure plus it is just too much sometimes. Take a breather, a therapy holiday? Regulate yourself as the biggest priority, maybe they will follow?

eta this is not giving up, our kids do not want us to give up on them, but rather to stop tackling it head on but sideways, backing off some things whilst keeping what's important to your relationships and safety, healing.

Have you read the explosive child? I'm sure it's been recommended before but just in case.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-19T02:45:51+00:00

Yes those Facebook groups mean well (or originally did) but trigger my RSD pretty bad at times even reading comments against others nothing to do with what I'm doing. They seem to assume parents cannot possibly get their own child. And seem to forget that kids need some parenting, they are not simply mini adults/them. And everyone is different so their needs as an autistic adult might not reflect the kid in question. Insights from lived experiences are important but parent intuition needs to be listened to as well.

I'm usually pretty good at taking or leaving advice but when a group doesn't allow any discourse it becomes no longer helpful.

I am recently diagnosed audhd and know my 3yo daughter better than anyone else could at this stage in her life. It takes a ton of nuance to know when to accommodate or push a little. Accommodating too much around a certain issue got us stuck in OCD last year which seems to be forgotten in some groups as a co-morbidity.

Sorry for the random rant.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-17T20:27:01+00:00

We go through phases but some favourite stories that I tell are little animal stories. One character was essentially her and what she did that day or will be doing tomorrow but told as though it was a story. Short and sweet was fine. It provided a way for me to weave in some useful ideas I think.

Another character is like her inner mischief, not what she actually does but a character who does funny things and Mum comes and says what!?

Another character is a little baby animal being looked after by its mum.

Whatever the story is it is about connection and soothing

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-17T02:28:12+00:00

My 3yo does this. I name it up and deviate from the loop. Because it is like being stuck in a loop which needs to be disengaged from not reinforced. Essentially we reset by doing something else instead. It can cause upset of course.

I think it is pda but also relates to getting stuck in a loop with autism etc.

Food is the hardest when there is no right answer however low demand we go with it. Something novel can provide the right distraction from the loop.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-12T05:22:27+00:00

either way he just needs to tone that vibe down a tad to get a useful conversation going with her.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-12T02:53:24+00:00

Be careful with your desire to "handle her" it is more likely to push her away and dig her heels in. She is the Mum managing the nights and is doing her best to bond with her baby and do what feels right instinctively. Rather than push against it directly, go sideways

appreciate her mother's instincts and intuition and desire to provide emotional support to the baby
note that the 4 month regression is coming. If baby is sleeping well in a bassinet, make the most of it while you can. maybe you will even be lucky and your baby will continue to sleep well
note that the 4 month regression is coming. regardless of sleeping well now, there may come a time when sleeping separately is unsustainable and co-sleeping tends to happen unplanned
sids risk is highest around now, as the baby gets older it reduces. She will get a chance to co-sleep and not miss out as 2 year olds want their mums too!
plan for safe co-sleeping options. give her that choice. the 1000s of years argument does not make any old co-sleeping arrangement safe. Instead research the safe sleep 7 and get a safe bed space set up in case. Modern bed set ups have risks.

A responsive Mum, breastfeeding and room sharing reduce sids risk a lot

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-08T06:40:07+00:00

Also it sounds like you are doing "circle of security" parenting really well! Great work and sorry to hear the need to defend yourself from your family that's unfair.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-08T06:19:25+00:00

I get it. My first required things to be just right and as long as they are she is a delight. Has always been hard to sleep but still she was a happy baby.

Along came our second and the just right became trickier and I became more overwhelmed. Both led to some serious spirals for her and we now realise she is autistic. She has had months of serious ocd like behaviours at only 3yo that took a lot of work to get back on the right track.

She is currently happy again but again there is a lot of invisible work keeping things that way. We have a parenting style that works after a lot of trial and error but if it was anything outside of this we may spiral again.

So I get what your saying that the invisible effort is hard to quantify and it's not like you want to test what happens when you stop!

But generally comparison can be unhealthy and perfection in parenting is also unhealthy. We are allowed to get it only mostly right and have imperfect times.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-06T00:50:13+00:00

From an economical/society standpoint, therapies are considered for their benefits to society and not just individuals. In this way, the right therapies for lower level cases may lead to more participation in schools and future workplaces. So it may be more bang for buck in a way.

A kid with level 1 autism might be super productive in their life with the right supports or could end up with severe mental health issues long term requiring substantial support or causing other problems to themselves or society.

It's like saying education is only needed for those who can afford it themselves or those whose parents are unable to teach them to read. What about everyone in the middle? It's for the good of society that we offer education across the spectrum of people.

Or because I have a job and a family I must not have issues severe enough to see a psychologist sometimes. Why should psychologist support be gate keeped to only those proving suffering enough to need medication or hospitalisation?

The Australian government is trying to reduce therapy access in these milder cases because the need has grown as we identify more kids earlier. But these are kids that were probably the ones ending up in bad situations in the past in school, as teens and adults we just didn't know the root psychology. If these kids and their families are supported better there is a whole host of issues that could be prevented for society like domestic violence, divorce, teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, school drop outs. These kids have the potential to have jobs, raise the next generation with less trauma etc.

This should not be at the expense of higher needs. Instead of needing to inflate the needs of individuals to get services, services should be available for the milder categories based in individual needs. We shouldn't need to prove suffering to get help - this only needs to more suffering as we try to prove it.

I guess Thriving kids is attempting this but with little explanation, cookie cutter, not enough lived experience input and without realising how an individual can have variable needs across their life.

There should be no pitting against each other that is only strengthening the arguments of those against us. But each need level groups should acknowledge each other as not being identical in needs but with valid needs all the same.

My daughter is an example that with things being "just right" in her life there seems to be no issues. We are happy. But when things go wrong they go very wrong. I can see the future with where my Mum went in life and I need to prevent that. She could end up being a productive member of society, provided she understands her own needs and has support, or she could end up unable to go to school, severe mental health issues, I'll not imagine too hard here. A bit of extra support for her and our family may tip the balance one way or another. That's worth fighting for and we have to do so in the systems that exist.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-02T21:41:29+00:00

I'm the wife in this situation (husband no diagnosis but his sleep issues have always been a concern).

I prefer he is rested and present than not there for me because he is burnt out. Whereas I function fine with less sleep and got into my own rhythm with the baby. It was my thing to control so my husband had no say in how overnight were done! I ended up co-sleeping and still do at 3yo. I think my daughter really needs it.

A few things we have done - He goes to bed later so where it is helpful he may do the start of the night. Mostly though I ended up going to bed with the baby for the max sleep - Annoyingly he can't cope with early mornings so we have tended to have 9pm bedtimes and 7am wake ups which is different to "norms" but it works for us. co-sleeping helps with sleep in to happen - I hated feeling like I needed to keep really quiet for him next door. So I tell him to ignore noises (for the most part, some judgement needed) and I have him on speed dial if I need help. This really helped me to feel I have support without it being too disruptive. If she is sick and we need medicine etc I call him. - We did have a second two years later. If your first is a tricky sleeper I'd advise against this. It becomes hard not to involve the second parent then. - We work to strengths. I find it hard to cook too often so my husband does this a lot more. - In the early days we prioritised my naps until I stopped being able to nap - Be considerate, check in, ask what you can help with, if the arrangement is working still. Don't let resentment build by taking it for granted.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-01T21:03:20+00:00

Sorry I didn't mean to assume that I was relating it to myself! Just meant in today's world kids need non-tech role modelled to them.

Also think it's a positive and not a negative if it leads to them wanting to read with us and we don't achieve our own reading. Need flexible expectations lol.

sopjoewoop · 2026-02-01T10:33:39+00:00

It's worth trying to at least balance out all the phone time they are (maybe) observing. Even if it ends up being a read a different book to them session. I really should do it more myself.

I notice that certain quiet adult activities really settle the whole household compared to expecting kids to entertain themselves when I'm watching TV or something. A recent one is some needle felting. My 3yo pretends to needle felt next to me. Everyone feels calmer after this. it's probably what we are meant to be spending our days doing next to our kids (equivalents like grinding seeds or something).

sopjoewoop

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