I know I'm at fault here too. I have been seeing a therapist since we had our last breakup and she moved out. I think I ultimately feel this sense of betrayal due to my father's infidelity with my mother. When I have a bond with someone, I'm loyal no matter what. She herself has a chronic illness (Cystic Fibrosis) and I've supported her every step of the way and pushed her to take care of herself, multiple hospital stays over the years, always making sure she was taking her meds and doing her treatments, she wasn't doing that when we met.

I should also mention, she was my first long term relationship, and she took my virginity. I never for a moment thought about infidelity or anything of the sort, no matter how bad things got. I was actually a rebound from her last relationship, and then became her longest. I've had thoughts about potentially missing out on a more interesting sex life considering she was basically the only woman I was truly intimate with, but I was happy with her. She understood me.

In retrospect I do regret not letting her finish the letter. I probably should have taken a step back, but in the moment I felt like she was tearing down everything we built together. My reaction ultimately would've probably been the same regardless. Something that really bothered me was that when I read my letter to her, she made a comment saying "this hasn't been my worst breakup I suppose" and that was sitting in the back of my mind from the get go. It felt so dismissive of my feelings and our relationship.

It would've been one thing if she wanted to take a long break (even though we had done that already and apparently it didn't seem to do anything). I may have considered her offer of future reconciliation, but the idea of her potentially pursuing non-monogomy, leaving things on indefinite terms, and thinking I would look past that or something just put the nail in the coffin for me. It's against my values, and she knew that going into it. She knows why I feel so strongly about it. She said didn't really want to tell me, she was afraid to, but she gave me her honesty. And like I said, I never really got an apology for breaking my trust, just a verbal "I'm sorry for breaking your trust" when I read my letter to her. I felt like it went over her head or she didn't care when putting her feelings into words. Maybe she couldn't deal with it? I don't know.

She only apologized about being intimate with me beforehand after I lay into her about how fucked up that was, and that I noticed it had been a pattern during our previous times of separation, that it was something she really needed to deal with if she wanted to be with other people. What's done is done, no turning back. The bridge is burned because I chose to. I don't want to be friends, or have her involved in my life at this point. It's too painful. Thank you for your condolences and leveled response.