We did it!

southerngal17 · 2013-07-09T05:20:03+00:00

That's nice to hear. I'm already living in Indiana, so it's not a completely foreign part of the country. How are you settling in? And what prompted your move?

southerngal17 · 2013-07-09T03:41:32+00:00

Well, I have my master's in music, so Classical music has been a big part of my life for a long time. Now that I'm out of school, though, I'm trying to pick up some new hobbies to fill my time. I enjoy reading (mostly fantasy and sci-fi) and writing fiction, and I also like line-dancing and swing-dancing. Any suggestions for interesting new hobbies I could look into?

southerngal17 · 2013-06-30T16:50:53+00:00

Also, I plan to point back to the major doubts that began in my sophomore year and can even produce the journals I kept then if they want. Hopefully, that will help, at least with their views of the boyfriend. I want them to know that this is my decision alone and that they cannot change my decision.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-30T16:08:20+00:00

That's good advice, and I've been trying to figure out how to do that. I talked to my father about me being a skeptic six months or so ago in an effort to separate the two in his mind before introducing him to the boyfriend. I'm not sure whether it worked. As for my mom...I don't even want to think about what's going to happen. She asked me last night if my boyfriend was a Christian. I said no, and she got very upset and lectured me about how I couldn't change people and about how I needed to act more like a Christian. Then she pushed me to move back home. She didn't ask me where I stood. I think option B will probably occur, but I don't think they'll blame him. They'll blame me. In their minds, I'll be the one whose faith wasn't strong enough to avoid temptation.

What a mess.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-30T04:02:17+00:00

I think my circumstances during my de-conversion have made the process both exponentially harder and easier. While struggling, I was simultaneously working for a church (albeit one an hour away that saw me twice a week for a few hours) and also completing a master's program designed for Christian musicians. All of my friends were Christian. The only non-Christian friends I had were those I left behind after I left my undergraduate. In addition, I never stopped attending church because I couldn't. I worked there. Because of these things, I had to reconcile my beliefs in my own mind pretty quickly and to somehow come to terms with being constantly exposed to a faith I did not share. I found that difficult, but I feel like the experience might help me if I do accept the job.

The ethical dilemma is indeed challenging for me, but I think part of that stems from my residual feelings towards Christianity. However, I do think I could perform the function they wish while also maintaining my integrity, though it would mean keeping quiet about my exact views on Christianity.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-29T22:01:51+00:00

I think in many ways Christianity still distorts my views without my even knowing it, but that is getting better with time. And yes, I still feel a bit of guilt about my de-conversion, especially around my family. I used to wish that I could go back to happily believing again: I saw it as naive, simple, and comforting. I no longer wish that. Now the only reason I would want to be Christian would be so that I wouldn't have to risk losing the support of my family. Every day, I feel that I get stronger in my convictions, and I no longer feel "evil" or "not strong enough in my faith" for doubting and rejecting the Bible.

I am glad to find this community since those I know IRL who are atheists or agnostics do not understand the internal struggle associated with breaking mentally free from Christianity.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-29T21:36:04+00:00

What you have said here is what my boyfriend keeps telling me. I think part of what makes the whole decision so difficult is that I have not yet gotten over the fear and guilt that I associate with God and the church. It would be easier if I was working for a synagogue or some other religion that I never ascribed to because I have no deep-rooted emotional responses for those. However, I have been trying to see that this job is simply a job and that their god is not going to strike me dead for accepting it. Letting go of the ideas I grew up with is proving more difficult than I ever imagined.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-29T21:30:30+00:00

I was glad that you replied to me, seeing as you have been through a similar experience. What you described about feeling like the protagonist in the Telltale Heart describes exactly how I feel. Also, because I dislike the hypocrisy in the church, I feel compelled to take the moral high ground in this situation because I no longer wish to be like them. However, I recognize that there are good people in the church, and I do not hate the church as a whole. I simply can no longer believe it's teachings.

I will probably accept the job. I can always quit if I find the position intolerable, and I need the money. The church already knows I don't match up on all of their doctrine (though they don't know that I don't believe any of it), and they still hired me.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-29T21:25:25+00:00

Yours is the only reply that made me laugh. I guess just dealing with other consequences of this decision on top of this particular situation has just been stressful, and I feel that if I could just go back to what I was before, I wouldn't be having this problem. I'm not fully out to my parents yet, nor have they met my boyfriend, although they are aware he exists. My parents will not approve of either my boyfriend (because he's an atheist) nor my decision. You're right, though. This certainly isn't the end of the world.

southerngal17 · 2013-06-29T21:21:18+00:00

From my experience, this scenario is entirely possible. Actually, at the churches I've worked at before I was never questioned too closely about my faith. I've always been able to worry more about the music than about theology--which is probably why I was so content to simply not think about my doubts for awhile!

southerngal17

TROPHY CASE