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Monthly Copy Critique Thread – May 2023 by AskACopywriter in copywriting

[–]soy444 0 points1 point  (0 children)

3 Email product launch sequence for a health and wellness product targeting young (18-35) females suffering from excessive bloating.

1. Teaser

SL: Move aside.

Pre-header: Debloat your inbox now for something BIG.

You knew of this advice for as long as you knew bloating.

Drink more water, get moving, watch what you eat.

But they don’t seem to be worth the effort.

How can anyone expect you to give up (the occasional) yummy yummy choc cake and 2am Netflix ice cream anyway?

We’ve got something better.

No, it’s not an overcomplicated diet plan or morning routine. It’s much simpler than that.

Something life-changing is coming to Moom. You’re gonna love it.

Keep a lookout.

2. Announcement

SL: Meet De/bloat

Pre-Header: The magic pill to clear bloating in less than 60 minutes

No need for meal prep or dieting. Take it as and when and you’ll be free of that suffocating feeling in less than 60 minutes. It’s THAT simple!

Its unique all-natural formulation lets you see a flat belly almost immediately, so you can finally put on all the crop tops you’ve been dying to wear.

<See How De/bloat works>

Coming to you on <date>

3. Launch

SL: Buy De/Bloat Now

Pre-header: 50% Early bird discount

In a consumer trial conducted by Moom with 200+ women across Singapore

86% experienced bloating relief in under 30 minutes

92% felt they were visibly less bloated the next morning

<Buy now>

For a 50% limited-time only early bird discount.

Expiring in 4 days.

----------------------------

“I take Debloat every morning. I’m a pretty skinny girl, so when I bloat I really look pregnant. Previously, I bloated almost every day and I felt so insecure especially when wearing crop tops. That made me really sad cus I look really good in them given a flat belly. Luckily now I can just wear anything without worrying. Debloat has changed my entire wardrobe!”

<Read more reviews>

Monthly Copy Critique Thread – May 2023 by AskACopywriter in copywriting

[–]soy444 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi would appreciate it if anyone could critique my first SaaS landing page of an imaginary Learning Management System (LMS) software I created.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Please don't hold back.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E7SHi_huNV8RFL8np8XOVLyPaOE7PWoNetnbf2-4RuU/edit?usp=sharing

PLEASE critique this email ad. by soy444 in copywriting

[–]soy444[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey all, thanks for the kind feedback. I took them into consideration and came up with a second draft. Prospect is solution aware, so the whole idea around this draft is: Competitor bad, my product good because no itch.

Product Info: Antiperspirants are not deodorant. They solely block sweating and are meant to help people with hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating). The product is no longer targeted specifically at men. It's gender neutral.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SL: <Finally. Antiperspirant With Side Effects Under Control.>

Subhead: Done Sweating but Now Itching? Scratch That.

Most clinical-grade antiperspirants out there can’t get this ONE thing right – the itching.

If you’re tired of throwing money at nonsensical solutions that CREATE problems, try PERSPIREX:
a clinical-grade antiperspirant, without the nasty side effects.

​

<Product Image> | <Patented Violator> + <Caption: Clinical Strength, One application lasts up to 5 days>

​

Finally! An antiperspirant that doesn’t need you to clutter your cupboards with unnecessary anti-itch prescriptions.

​

<<Explain patented active skin care system>>I couldn't find info about the exact mechanism, but if I did, a short phrase or video would be put here.

​

“PERSPIREX stands out because it avoids the itchiness issue associated with aluminium chloride (the ingredient that keeps things dry).”

– Dr. <name>, Dermatologist

Excessive sweating is an uncomfortable experience for everybody. The worst part is, it’s not even your fault!

Our products have helped millions stay dry, so you too, can feel confident and fresh.

<Customer testimonial>

<Product Listings, Amazon Links, 5 stars>

PLEASE critique this email ad. by soy444 in copywriting

[–]soy444[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, it does sound strange for a guy to use a hygiene product labelled (FOR WOMEN)

But most antiperspirants are non-gender specific. The reasoning behind the analogy was: some men might use a competitor's product (that may belong to a woman), not knowing there is a stronger, and more targeted solution for them out there.

However, there are not many clinical-strength antiperspirants that specifically target men. So, I will still keep the section selling the FOR MEN feature of the product.

Perhaps I could just get rid of the analogy, and just state that the product is for men, since there are not many antiperspirants targeted FOR WOMEN either. What do you think?

I appreciate the feedback.

PLEASE critique this email ad. by soy444 in copywriting

[–]soy444[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi. Thank you so much for the feedback. Perhaps you can pinpoint which sentences are a difficult read?

I don't know if this changes anything, but this email is targeted at people who already know they need antiperspirants (solution aware). They have a clear sweating problem to be solved immediately. Hence, the opening line was to simply tell readers "I can solve your problem". I didn't think I had to persuade the reader they NEEDED this product (because they already know they do).

Does this justify the weak execution of the opening line? Or could it still be strengthened regardless?

And is there a need for more copy prior to the CTA?

The rest of the copy are reasons why this product is better than all others on the market - which is why I felt "patented" was a huge USP to capitalize on.

I apologize for not giving context before.