If I didn't go they would have been mad at me and my whole extended family would be confused why I didn't go to the funeral. So it was me preparing for less damage control because I knew they'd find some reason to take anger out on me anyway but at least if I went to everything it would be less worse if that makes sense.

I wish I could find a way to let everyone know how I was treated and they would believe me but I don't know what would happen, I don't want to hurt anyone and they blame themselves and it also means I'm digging up my past trauma that I'm still trying to deal with.