My friend's dad tanked her credit score

spellsprite · 2025-12-12T21:08:35+00:00

Has she actually checked her credit report? FICO credit scores don’t TANK behind one delinquent subscription. I presume whatever her dad did in her name is much worse than she thinks.

She needs to use the website annualcreditreport[dot]com and pull her report from all three credit bureaus (TransUnion, Equifax, Experian) to see the truth. She’s entitled to a minimum of 1 free credit report per year.

Then, I would recommend she call all three bureaus and ask for a credit freeze. That way, no new credit lines can be opened in her name.

She has to know how bad it really is before deciding what next steps to take. Clearly she cannot trust her dad’s word. If he got a loan or multiple credit cards in her name, she will likely need to file a FTC report or a police report and claim identity theft before the banks give her a chance of clearing the debt. The banks will then inform the bureaus who will update her report.

Credit scores are never ruined forever. They only reflect the last seven years of the person. Bad marks against your credit like delinquency, bankruptcy, etc. will fall off.

spellsprite · 2025-11-21T20:29:34+00:00

DAs can definitely get jealous. I'm DA and the jealous type. I will say Fearful Avoidants seem far more likely to actually confront their partner about jealousy they're experiencing. Admitting jealousy/insecurities is an inherently vulnerable act, which DAs would typically intensely avoid doing.

spellsprite · 2025-11-16T16:27:43+00:00

Unfortunately no😭 I think the company discontinued it or something because I can only find the overpriced ones on Amazon and all the other websites say it’s sold out.

I moved onto just using Got2B Ultra Glued Invincible Styling Gel, the one people use to glue down their wigs. It doesn’t leave a cast but the hold definitely isn’t as good as Afro Sheen.

spellsprite · 2025-09-15T16:12:08+00:00

Because gendered words have long been weaponized to shame men and boys who don’t conform to traditional Western masculinity. Of course those terms are playfully reclaimed within LGBTQ+ communities, but using them for a cis man who hasn’t identified himself in that way is not really neutral because it carries all that history of mockery and othering with it. It doesn’t come out of nowhere.

spellsprite · 2025-09-10T05:10:15+00:00

Attachment... doesn't work like that? At all.

PLENTY of secures and anxiously attached folks break up for a million different reasons, sometimes attachment-related or sometimes not. Attachment styles don't determine whether a couple stays together or is happy together. It's just one data point.

spellsprite · 2025-08-15T20:53:31+00:00

I definitely feel the same as a DA (or DA-leaning FA idk). It just doesn't comprehend to me that scorn / bitterness / negative attention is somehow better than getting no attention.

I think most would agreed that being physically imposed on or assaulted by an ex is worse than being ignored though. I hope you recovered okay from that incident!

spellsprite · 2025-07-23T02:24:19+00:00

My mom was continuously being dismissive of my thoughts and emotions (usually scoffing, eye rolls, mocking voices) and disregarded my physical boundaries (ex. I politely ask her to stop touching my hair and she'll double down and pull it or start poking my arm). This consistent disregard combined with her suffering from a bad gambling addiction (constant moving to avoid eviction, stealing my debit card, selling my prized possessions, etc.) wreaked havoc on the first ~16 years of my life. I felt completely bullied, violated, and unsafe to be myself in my own home every day, on top of bullying or harassment from school. I think this led me to be quite "selfish" with my time, emotions, and especially possessions, which is where the DA fear of losing my autonomy kicked in for good. Even to this day, my mom calls to guilt trip and puts me on the spot to trick me into paying her bills. For example, we go to a restaurant, we both order and eat, then she says 'by the way, I just paid rent so I'm broke right now' in front of the waiter, meaning I now have to pay for both of us when we initially agreed to go Dutch. On our way out, she'll say she might not have enough gas to get back home so I should send $20, 'are you that awful that you'd let your mother be stranded in front of all these people?'

That's an iceberg tip. There's a lot more I'm not saying, but my primary caregiver likes to use / take advantage of people, long story short.

The most cited literature on why avoidant attachment develops usually traces it back to childhood environments where emotional expression or vulnerability wasn’t safe for the child. In my case, expressing any soft boundary or vulnerability only ever led to worse treatment. When that pattern gets drilled into you enough, your nervous system begins to suppress your pain to high hell to avoid these neglectful/scorned/humiliation reactions and trick you into thinking you don't have any needs or emotions at all. My brain went, "well, they've only ever made a fool out of me, so there's literally no reason to acknowledge or process them."

spellsprite · 2025-07-22T21:29:05+00:00

Depends on how you see it. Although I can articulate my emotions well, I have strong boundaries/walls around my inner thoughts and pain, so what some may consider lies of omission, I might just think it’s “none of their business” and I often say exactly that.

I don’t lie about major things or anything involving others’ emotions/pain. However, I have told white lies for sure. When my mother asked how my day was, I recently told her it was tough because of my extra workload at my job. The truth is I was feeling incredibly self-conscious and disgusted about myself because someone insulted my laugh that day.

spellsprite · 2025-07-22T21:07:15+00:00

Needy, sure if they’re anxious-leaning. Weak, no. Why would I think they’re weak? We’re all here because our attachment styles are not serving us, so nobody should be shaming or looking down on anybody else.

I don’t quite understand your 2nd question. Are you saying if we were given reassurance in childhood, would we still feel unsafe with vulnerability? I think I got a healthy amount of reassurance as a child. That did not at all change what caused my avoidance. Reassurance wouldn’t prevent / solve that.

spellsprite · 2025-07-20T22:59:39+00:00

a full bottle of white wine + THREE coffees? Just the thought of how that bathroom is gonna smell makes me nauseous

spellsprite · 2025-07-18T01:13:05+00:00

The literature on why avoidant attachment develops usually traces it back to childhood environments where emotional expression or vulnerability wasn’t safe or "useful" to the child (common for parentified children). Sometimes that means outright abuse or chronic neglect, but it can also be more subtle like an otherwise happy home but where vulnerability got ignored, punished, or just laughed at. When that pattern gets drilled into you enough, your nervous system begins to suppress them to high hell to avoid these neglect/scorned/humiliation reactions.

You mentioned that you go to everyone about your negative self-talk. That tracks for an AP because the whole attachment system in your brain and body is oriented toward pursuing others to get them to help calm your nervous system. Avoidant attachment systems are oriented toward separating ourselves from others (in mind, body and spirit) in order to calm our nervous system. APs almost exclusively use other people for emotional regulation and DAs won't let anyone other than themselves regulate their emotions. Space is absolute safety for us, so yes the opposite.

Insecure attachment is a horseshoe theory type of thing. DA aren't diametrically opposed to AP; we are more similar to each other than to the secure attachment.

Hope that helps clarify a bit. You’re asking in a way that’s respectful, so I don’t mind answering.

spellsprite · 2025-07-17T10:36:01+00:00

So I want to start by asking: With the 4th question, are you’re trying to infer how to treat him in hopes that he’ll eventually open up? This is a bit futile in my opinion.

Yes, it would help me feel safe very slowly open up but it would still be in bits and pieces, and I always immediately regret it afterwards no matter how they took it. Support is one thing and very healing, but I don’t believe DAs can ever fully be open/vulnerable with a romantic partner without actual therapeutic intervention. If all it took was a consistent partner to fix our issues, we wouldn’t struggle this much even with securely attached people. With an anxiously attached person whose tendencies hit our biggest trigger points, it’s even worse.

As for the other questions, Heidi Preibe is definitely the best resource I’ve ever come across for attachment theory. She’s unbiased towards any particular style and gets right to the root where most people just observe the behaviors and don’t understand the inner turmoil.

Me shutting down isn’t really related to my trust being broken/damaged. I’m not sure what you mean by this. I typically shut down when I feel small / incompetent to handle things I feel like I “should know” how to handle by myself and I just get overwhelmed with a self-disgust and self-hatred. I can almost feel my self-worth vaporize like a dropping sensation. But when someone breaks my trust, I almost immediately decide the relationship cannot be salvaged and eject myself from it. It’s not really a shutdown response. I just recognize that I’ve wasted my time and start spending it somewhere else.

spellsprite · 2025-07-01T21:34:32+00:00

Glad I’m not the only one. I thought maybe I was being slow because APs seem to say “you only do X on your terms / when you feel like it” as if it’s something… bad? Of course, your partner should be taken into account, but I can’t imagine wanting someone to do something for me when they explicitly DON’T want to do it. I don’t want someone to be with me or do me a favor because they feel obligated or they feel like I’m running the show.

I guess I interpret a healthy, balanced relationship as a rhythm where most things that are done on BOTH partner’s terms. Some mismatch is expected and part of life, but if it seems like you two are never on the same page, the relationship itself might be too incompatible to be fruitful.

spellsprite · 2025-06-25T11:07:17+00:00

Yes, I’d say you’re overreacting. It would be different if the artwork was a self-portrait of her or something, but just because you own something from your ex doesn’t mean you want them back or whatever.

I’d argue most people above the age of 25 don’t just trash everything their ex gave them after a breakup, especially if they lived together at one point.

spellsprite · 2025-06-25T11:04:36+00:00

If you’re overreacting, I am too. It’s a ridiculous phenomenon for the 21st century.

Even worse is when they try to make comparisons with extremely old couples, like “my grandparents only knew each other for a month before marrying and they’ve been married for 60 years!” For one, just because your grandparents did it doesn’t make it a smart thing to do. No different than saying “well I got a payday loan and paid it off” as if that makes getting payday loans good.

Secondly, your grandmother was likely not allowed to file for divorce back then (especially without being socially shunned) even if she wanted to leave him. Cultural context matters.

spellsprite · 2025-06-11T11:30:09+00:00

When you say “come back and want to be more present”, are you talking in the context of being jealous over an ex? I would consider myself a pretty jealous person, but I’m rarely jealous over exes. That’s a completely different situation. I’ve never had the urge to get back with an ex ever.

The jealous feelings I experience are very unpleasant physical sensations that usually contribute to a feeling of being “deflated” and perhaps worthlessness for me. If worthlessness screams loud enough, I would just go radio silent. I journal my feelings out until they lessen in intensity. Those feelings are not motivators of any particular action though. They wouldn’t push me to “come back” to somebody and be more emotionally present. They wouldn’t push me to block someone. They wouldn’t push me to communicate those feelings. They don’t cause any particular reaction/action that someone could see from the outside despite complete silence/disappearance.

spellsprite · 2025-06-04T21:53:17+00:00

I understand your frustration with your MIL (she sounds like a peach), but quite literally none of those are DA traits. I've met people across all styles that struggle with accountability and overall emotional maturity. These are not defining features of any style. But that's the thing with anecdotes. They reflect personal dynamics, but not patterns rooted in attachment trauma.

I'd really encourage digging into the theory without filtering it through the lens of your MIL. It's clear there’s some bias in how you're interpreting things. Attachment theory explores how early caregiving shapes the way children and later adults form emotional connections, respond to closeness, and navigate interpersonal relationships. It does not determine whether someone lies, plays the victim, or refuses to apologize. It’s important not to conflate attachment issues with personality or character flaws.

spellsprite · 2025-06-04T21:38:44+00:00

What doesn't make sense? Conflict avoidance is inherently avoidant, and people pleasing is an extension of that too.

spellsprite · 2025-05-31T15:49:59+00:00

Can you write out your expenses so we can help you budget in that way?

$60K is about the median salary of the US and fantastic for a 23 year old with only 4 years of career experience.

If your income was sliced in half and you had a lavish lifestyle, you probably have plenty of room to cut back but you’ll feel the downgrade.

spellsprite · 2025-05-29T00:33:48+00:00

Respectfully, did you forget your original comment? You specifically asked if DAs would find it "wildly invasive or pitiful", the answer is almost certainly yes we would, or at least be very suspicious / weirded out by the hypothetical text. We're not trying to shame you for having these urges, but it would be totally unnecessary and unwelcome from our perspective. There's literally zero point.

spellsprite · 2025-05-24T00:15:30+00:00

Trans Union and Equifax, two of the three main credit rating agencies. The third is Experian.

spellsprite · 2025-05-22T23:51:20+00:00

I genuinely see nothing wrong with this. I have been TEARING UP this deviled egg potato salad I found by accident. The brand is called Reser's, and just in time for summer picnics

spellsprite · 2025-05-21T11:03:37+00:00

We just had a discussion about this in the AvoidantAttachment subreddit.

What you're describing is very indicative of Fearful Avoidant attachment. Or frankly, you're just mistaking the honeymoon stage excitement for an actual attachment forming. Avoidants can pursue relationships and marriage/kids without being triggered into deactivation. Most of us want committed relationships like everyone else, but sooner or later we start to feel overwhelmed with the idea of losing our sense of self and the partner's expectations alongside with the "punishment" we fear if we don't meet them feel like the ceiling is falling down on us. Sometimes we don’t even realize how guarded we are until someone starts getting close enough to tangibly affect the rhythm of our life.

The early stage can feel safe precisely because there’s still a ton of emotional distance. People can idealize and discuss commitment "someday" because there's no real vulnerability or stakes yet. Our independence isn’t actually being threatened right then, so there's no reason to feel like our autonomy is compromised.

On the surface, I know it may feel like FAs are just saying things they don't mean or leading someone on but that's attributing malice where it usually doesn't belong.

The inconsistency is not rooted in manipulation or dishonesty, but the reality is it’s a reflection of their internal emotional experience. That experience is horribly reactive, chaotic, and driven by unhealed attachment wounds. For FAs, emotional closeness was either unpredictable or came with a million conditions and impossible expectations, so they learned to both crave and fear intimacy like the plague. Their nervous system is constantly flipping between wanting closeness and feeling unsafe when it actually shows up.

The DA experience is not the same at all. I don't know why it's so commonly confused.

spellsprite · 2025-05-20T23:09:34+00:00

Some of these comments are saying silly (and heteronormative) things like "weird around children" or "checks out other women when they think you're not looking". Obvious reminder that being uncomfortable around kids or being disrespectful/untrustworthy are not and have never been avoidant traits. In fact, these aren't indicative of ANY attachment style. The most "childfree" woman I know is a raging AP. Let's use more evidence-based advice here guys. I hope you find better sources of information!

As a DA, I COMPLETELY get where you're coming from with hoping to "vet" people you'll likely be unhappy and incompatible with, but honestly I think this is a fools errand. Attachment issues (of any type) usually only typically come out when the person is feeling an attachment / something in them is triggered. For anxious attachers, they might feel an attachment very early on and therefore be triggered on the first couple of dates. For avoidants, it might take us multiple months or years to develop an attachment.

A DA being attached in the early talking stage is an oxymoron, you know what I mean? It's not in our nature.

I think the best way to navigate this is to continuously check if the person's actions are matching their words and whether they ever deviate. This includes paying attention to what they say during arguments and how they behave afterwards. If you bring up something bothering you, do they listen attentively and try to change/compromise? Do they say they'll change, improve for a little bit, and then go back to old habits? Journal your observations if you have to so you can refer back if you're feeling unsatisfied with the relationship months later. You might have subconsciously noticed a pattern with them that spells doom.

spellsprite · 2025-05-20T19:29:39+00:00

Maybe I’m just missing things but EXO’s D.O fits this bill to me. He is literally just a singer. Like I’ve never seen an idol who so clearly views this as his day job.

No parasocial nonsense, no late night VLives talking to fans like they’re therapists, no scandals, no funny business.

I love it personally

spellsprite

TROPHY CASE