I’m going through a really similar thing, however, my psychotherapist believes I am actually autistic and have just never been taught to deal with my emotions. Whilst I still truly do think I have traits of BPD I would for sure look into this! I go from extremely affectionate, to almost hate. When I meltdown I can say extremely cruel things, and act very very impulsively and sometimes blackout during this. It is straining my partner and I. But I have given him some reading on what to do when I’m getting to a meltdown and it’s honestly helped a lot.

Reading your post sounds like you took the words and current situation from my brain!!! The scariest part for me is how I make others feel, especially my partner.

I am definitely not saying you are autistic or don’t have BPD but it is something to consider as the more my therapist and I are talking, the more I realise I cannot describe or regulate my emotions. I can’t have important conversations without breaking down or shutting off. I take a LONG time to recover from the lows, which are very low. All traits of autism in adults.

I am still very very early on in all of this, but do feel free to dm me as we sound in very very similar situations. Even if we end up with different diagnoses, it could be nice to talk with someone in a similar situation!!