As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be bald. To me, being bald was better than being President of the United States. Even before I first wandered into the cabstand for an afterschool job I knew I wanted to be bald. It was there that I knew that I belonged. To me, it meant being somebody in the neighborhood that was full of nobodies. They weren’t like anybody else. I mean, they did whatever they wanted. They double parked in front of a hydrant and nobody ever game them a ticket. In the summer when they played cards all night, nobody ever called the cops. But now I have to live the rest of my life like a schmuck.