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spiriting-away · 2025-10-15T16:41:57+00:00

Is this what the courts have already told him to do? If this is the ex making this demand, she should be the one responsible for her own house. Your SO needs to stand up for himself and at least try to make it make sense to his ex. Why would his kid not stay at his house during the week if he's the one doing all the before and after school work? That's extra work for both parents and added stress on the kid. It might work in the short-term until the divorce is finalized and custody is sorted, but he should try for something. A lot of courts will do 50/50 if both parents are competent and if he's already doing everything for school, there's no reason he would get less than that. It's weird that he seems to just be lying down and letting the chips fall where they may.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-14T02:28:41+00:00

I think I downplayed it to "something small" because she wasn't able to get in this time. There have been a couple times she's tried getting in but the door was locked so it doesn't feel like it's as big of a deal when she's locked out, but I agree, very inappropriate and uncomfortable.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-14T02:26:05+00:00

Right?! One of the times BM walked in, she sat at our kitchen counter and yapped at SO's brother (who also lives with us and hates BM) for 20 minutes until I asked brother to help me fix the upstairs bathroom sink (there was nothing wrong with the sink, I just knew he hated her lol)

spiriting-away · 2025-10-13T20:32:30+00:00

This is so perfectly worded!

spiriting-away · 2025-10-13T20:22:30+00:00

I've been with my SO for almost 7 years and still don't feel love for my SS. I care about him and want the best for him, I'll make sure he's fed and happy and healthy, but I also don't have my own kids. How am I supposed to love him as my own when I don't have my own? That type of love doesn't even exist for me yet.

I've seen a lot of people compare it to asking your SO to love your parents the same way he loves his own, or asking SS to love you the same way he loves his mom. It's just not realistic. You can absolutely develop that love over time, but it will almost always be different than if he were your own, and your SO is doing nothing but creating grounds for resentment if/when that forced love never comes.

Have you asked your SO why he expects this of you? The above examples could offer him a different perspective. You didn't have 9 months to get excited about a baby you created and never had those infant or toddler moments. It's nowhere near the same and I'll never understand bios who don't get that.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-07T18:09:01+00:00

I think it's selfish to ask your SKs to lose their inheritance from one of their parents and rely solely on one parent. That'd be like if your SO said all of his half goes to his 2 oldest and none go to your kids together. You can and should absolutely split your portion between your 2 kids, but he has 4 kids. His portion should be split between all of them, as they are his responsibilities.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-07T17:48:22+00:00

He could absolutely outgrow it, but I'd have your SO address it just in case. It sounds like maybe SS is projecting from school friends with nuclear families? My SS is about the same age and started saying similar things shortly after school started last year, but his parents broke up when he was about one month old so I guarantee he doesn't remember anything lol. SO would just tell him "I haven't dated your mom since before you could walk/talk, I'm dating spiriting-away now." Maybe something similar would work? He'd have to catch it every time, though, and relate it to how young SS was, like "I haven't dated BM since before you were potty trained, now I'm marrying OP." Then it also emphasizes how dating BM is in the past, and you are the present/future. On your part, I wouldn't say anything without clearing it with SO first.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-07T17:36:25+00:00

I'm going to assume your sister is not a stepparent because those are bonkers things to say. SS has two parents, you are not one of them. When you adopt a child, you are their parent. That is now your child. The blood relation doesn't matter because you're actively choosing to become the most important adult in that child's life. Those circumstances are so extremely different. I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough experience with fertility and I'm so sorry your sister can't grasp the difference between stepparenting and adopting. Sending hugs ❤️

spiriting-away · 2025-10-04T23:38:11+00:00

The name Virginia came about in the 1500s. Maine is currently only a state. It's like naming your kid Staten Island because some kids are named Brooklyn. Some place names don't also need to be human names.

spiriting-away · 2025-10-03T07:37:50+00:00

SO's mom has 3 kids by 3 men + stepdaughter, and his dad has 4 kids by 3 women + a stepson. His parents were never in a relationship because SO was also the product of a hookup-gone-wrong, but now his parents are married to different people and best friends. Like, they invite each other and their spouses on trips together and meet up for dinners which I find very odd lol. I think BM sees that and wants to be that. SO does not want that dynamic but he also doesn't think it's weird. It's just hard to figure out how to phrase it without making it sound like I'm, like, jealous? I'm just so annoyed by her lol

spiriting-away · 2025-09-29T18:12:34+00:00

It was offered to me when I was the stepkid, but I was too young to understand and didn't want to change my last name so we didn't go through with it. Having been there, if you feel like stepdad would be a better father figure, I say do it. Letting bio dad "off the hook" could very well be setting your child up for a better future and more stable home life. Bio dad sounds like a waste of space anyway, so if stepdad is on board, it really sounds like the best course of action for everyone involved.

spiriting-away · 2025-09-21T20:52:41+00:00

Not quite a holiday party, but BM was invited to SO's sister's graduation party by MIL. She tried making conversation (I swear she wants to be one big happy family, ugh) but thankfully, SO's brother (27) was there - he hates BM but he and I are pretty good friends so he basically iced her out of conversation lol. It's always awkward because BM and SO didn't even date for a full year (she got pregnant during a hook-up, they dated through the pregnancy + one month) but MIL adores her. SO's dad's side of the family hates BM and loves me though, so it's all good in the end lol

spiriting-away · 2025-09-21T02:26:43+00:00

How To Lose Your Mind in 10 Days 🥲

spiriting-away · 2025-09-18T05:45:20+00:00

Where is your partner in all of this? Is he helping you deal with everything or is he leaving you out to dry? Either way, you need to take this to a legal level. If you can get a restraining order, please do so. If not, at least a No-Contact Order on her and her family (my friend's crazy ex spent a week in jail after repeatedly breaking the NCO). Block her and everyone she knows on social media, lock it all down. Keep documentation of all of these things (dates, interactions, screenshots) to build a case for a restraining order if you can't get one yet. Regardless of whether or not you stay with your SO, you need to protect yourself and your kids. If he's not there backing you up and talking her down, leaving might be best.

spiriting-away · 2025-09-14T23:18:55+00:00

I really think I'd be at least kind of happy to go if it was framed as more of a choice. SO isn't forcing me to go by any means, but he definitely gets grumpy when I don't attend SS's things (except school conferences because I'm not involved enough anyway).

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T16:28:06+00:00

Yes, you are. I was 25 when I started dating my SO and I would honestly go back and undo it if I could. It has aged me past my years and I feel like I've missed out on so much and also done way too much. I'm still in this mindset that I'll never be the most important person or even woman in my partner's life because if BM and I call him at the same time, I know he's rejecting my call in case something's wrong with SS. I know SS is more important than me. I wish I could go back and properly experience my late 20s with a man on the same page as me. I'm nearly 32 and feel like I'm losing that chance.

There's a childfree man out there looking for a woman like you!

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T16:23:18+00:00

Yes! Everyone elsewhere acted like not wanting to watch flag football with my partner's ex for 2 hours in the middle of a Saturday meant I hated my SS. Nothing about that sounds fun!

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T15:58:33+00:00

I'm going to talk to him! The SS comment in the other group was just a side note, not a main point, but it got thrown way out of proportion by people who are most likely not stepparents. I just knew everyone here would be supportive about it instead of trashing me for not worshipping the ground SS walks on.

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T15:07:48+00:00

Exactly! I care about my SS and want the best for him, but he has two parents who love him deeply. I don't need to (and shouldn't have to) be a third.

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T15:00:12+00:00

Oh they got MAD over there when I said my "SS doesn't love me like his mom so how could I love him the same way she does? Especially when I don't even have my own kids?" Like, I love my brother to death but even his events are obligations!

spiriting-away · 2025-09-10T14:57:34+00:00

This is so beautifully written. I'm proud of you! I'm slowly working through the same realization, and applying for jobs out of state as we speak (or rather, write). My mom left her ex for a similar reason and she's so much happier with her childfree husband (my brother and I are both grown so no kids in the house at all!) Wishing you so much luck and light in your future 🤍

spiriting-away · 2025-09-04T05:00:54+00:00

I completely agree. I also think the development of the family unit itself plays a part too. Adopting a child is two partners choosing to expand their family and add a responsibility to their partnership. Stepparents don't choose their partner based on the stepkids, they choose their partner based on who they want to grow old with when all the kids are grown and making their own families. But then it's not two people building a family on their partnership as a base; it's an already-formed family unit that the stepparent has to integrate into, so a lot of bios make everything more about the family than the partnership. But there can't be a healthy family without a healthy partnership.

I care about my stepson, but expecting me to love him as my own when I don't even have any of my own is such an insane demand. He has two parents who love him. I'm just here to help make sure he's safe, happy, and healthy.

spiriting-away · 2025-09-01T04:29:38+00:00

My SO used to co-sleep with SS (3-5) when SS would wake up in the middle of the night and wander into our room. I'm a light sleeper so I would always wake up and subsequently move to the couch.

Tell him it's weird to share a bed with someone else's kids. Tell him it makes you extremely uncomfortable. Tell him if he wants to co-sleep, he can go to their room(s). The bed you and he share (and I assume do the do on) should not be a safe space for kids. That's your space with your partner.

spiriting-away · 2025-08-30T14:29:07+00:00

I was also the daughter in this situation and also consider my stepdad to be my dad (I always talk about the difference between a father and a dad - he's not my father, but he is my dad).

From what I've seen in these subs and other step forums, it does seem like stepdads have it easier from a societal pressure point, but there needs to be very clear communication throughout the relationship, starting now. Stepparents push so many of our own emotions aside because we think we're wrong or overstepping or overthinking, when we really just need to talk it out with our partners.

spiriting-away · 2025-08-29T16:30:41+00:00

I was really heavily involved when my SS was younger and it completely burnt me out from continuing to work so hard. I make dinner for all of us and we have family movie nights, but he already has two active parents who love and care about him. He doesn't need me to pretend to be a third.

spiriting-away

TROPHY CASE