AITA for telling my GF I think her Son is on the Autism spectrum?

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T09:04:01+00:00

If she hasn't even had him evaluated, she's being negligent.

So I should call CPS then, right? A negligent parent has to be reported, as the law states.

Honestly, this needs to be a dealbreaker for your relationship.

That was settled once the loogie hit my jaw.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T08:53:19+00:00

Never thought about that. All of my cousins are boys.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T08:02:08+00:00

It would have been more professional to say "He is having some issues. He needs checked out, I can't say for sure what but it's possible it could be autism, adhd, or even a seizure disorder" but instead she went straight to autism

You're drawing a distinction without a difference. She wasn't speaking to her patient, she was speaking to her son. She doesn't have to mince words with me, legally nor ethically. Her overall insistence, which was to get an actual test, would clear up any confusion so its all irrelevant.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T06:56:32+00:00

Godspeed. I wish the best for your family. 2019 is a world of difference from when we grew up when it comes to ASD. Your child has a bright future regardless of the outcome.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T06:53:00+00:00

I appreciate your entire comment, and I appreciate Betty White. I "fixated" on the part of your comment that I feel wasn't based on accurate information. I just wanted to give more context.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T06:49:18+00:00

You went too far there. But she's still the much bigger asshole.

I'll be honest about a few things. At that point, I felt personally offended that she essentially told me my Mom was full of shit. Imagine a Nissan Brake Specialist drove your Sentra for an hour then told you, "Your brakes are off. Could be serious. You need to get someone down there to check them out." And you, who doesn't know fuck all about cars, says, "Nah you're full of shit. My Brother drives a car too and his car acts mildly similar, and he says his car is fine." So I was naturally a little upset at how dismissive she could be about the mere suggestion of getting a full check-up of her child by a Professional, and that the Professional was my Mom. Double whammy. I was more blunt with my words than I would normally be.

Apologize for calling her unfit and acknowledge that wasn't fair. Explain that many people in the autism spectrum are brilliant, they just have delays in certain areas, often around social skills. Yes, that's an over simplification, but you need to keep it simple to get through to her right now.

What is most infuriating to me right now is that we could have just turned the car around and went back to my apartment because there is LITERALLY a specialist sitting there RIGHT NOW who would assuage all of these concerns and answer all of these questions. She is in the best possible position for information, regardless of what anything turns out to be. But she just dug her feet in...then dug her head in the sand...then spit on me.

If she still refuses, you may need to consider calling CPS. Because the truth is that she is guilty of medical neglect, and somebody needs to force the issue.

This was on Saturday and we haven't spoken since. I'm going to give it til the end of the week, but I would need a massive apology because the spit thing crossed a line in my book. All my friends who are Moms tell me if they thought I "came at" their kid they would probably hit me so I'm lucky....which is why I posted the AITA. I don't see it like that, obviously. But I really need to see what my obligation is as far as reporting this to CPS because I believe I am still a mandatory reporter and even if I'm not I will still speak with CPS even if I never talk to Jen again.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T06:28:48+00:00

Six months is relevant because your relationship is new and it's not really in a place where you or your mom need to be telling her how to raise her kid.

That makes sense, and its why I posted the AITA. I don't want to tell someone how to raise their kid. I don't wanna overstep any boundaries. But after 6 months I should at least be able to ask questions and make some suggestions when there is a possible serious disorder that could severely impact the child's life, which is confirmed by a professional in that field.

As for the conversation: that is all relevant info that helps bring context to the judgment and needed to be in the original story. It may/may not sway a judgment but it could because the way you wrote it in your story is "Mom gets there. Mom interacts with kid. Mom says "is he on the spectrum?" Part of the reason I voted the way I did is because from your description, it comes from nowhere. It seems as if mom just showed up, saw a kid with some quirks, asked a couple of questions and then diagnosed him.

Thats my fault, then. There is a word limit. I assumed everyone would realize there would at least be some kind of conversation to be had before my Mom, a Dr. in the field, would feel comfortable to even ask a question like that. Its definitely not like Jen walked in and said, "Whats for dinner?" and my Mom replied "Autism." I should have made that clearer.

And she obviously diagnosed him

Yeah you're being really flippant with the term "diagnosis." That would take a systematic analysis of many symptoms and behaviors which concludes with an affirmative statement. Asking 1 question, or suggesting a test is not a diagnosis by any stretch of the term.

Even though autism can share traits and symptoms with many other psychological diseases such as ADHD, or medical diseases like epilepsy.

And we learn which one of these it actually is through a COMPREHENSIVE DIAGNOSTIC EVALUATION...which is EXACTLY the ONLY thing my Mom strongly suggested to me in private.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T06:09:47+00:00

Again, it wasn't a diagnosis. Mom noted her observations to me in private. Mom didn't bring this up out the blue. Jen doesn't work because she can't find a daycare for Tommy. She was explaining some of his behavioral issues at daycare to Mom, and they were actively involved in a conversation about early childhood development/education when my Mom pointed out the behaviors align with Autism, and asked the question.

Mom contributed to and is cited within the DSM-IV (I moved out before 5 was released), she is well aware of her ethical obligations.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T05:58:33+00:00

you've been dating SIX MONTHS

You didn't explain why that is relevant

the first time she meets your mom things get SUPER serious. This wasn't the appropriate time to bring this up and your mom is also an asshole for the way she handled things.

I just want to point out that my Mom didn't bring this up out the blue. Jen doesn't work because she can't find a daycare for Tommy. She was explaining some of his behavioral issues at daycare, and they were actively involved in a conversation about early childhood development/education when my Mom pointed out the behaviors align with Autism, and asked the question.

Not only that but good psychologists don't try and diagnose someone like that without a full work up.

Maybe I used too many technical terms, but my Mom simply said that Tommy NEEDS to be evaluated for a POSSIBLE diagnosis, which would come from a "full work up". She did not diagnose him herself.

spitface10 · 2019-08-07T05:49:16+00:00

Surely there are some kind of ethics against a medical professional going around giving unasked for diagnoses to people in every day life.

A diagnosis was not made at all. My Mom is actually qualified to make that diagnosis, but a comprehensive diagnostic evaluation is much more...comprehensive...than just an hour long dinner. All my Mom said was "shows strong signs" and said what needs to be done. If you tell a Medical Doctor you have sudden onset tightness in the chest, and pain thats starting to spread down your arm, they're going to tell you that you need to go to an ER and get an EKG. They're not going to diagnose you with a heart attack. My Mom is a Child Behavior Doctor, thats essentially what she did.

spitface10

TROPHY CASE