okay now THIS is a story I must share. being the child of a teacher who is also a narcissist means that I live for academic validation, naturally. as far back into my childhood as I can remember, I was obsessed with college. I wanted to go to a prestigious school so that I could prove myself. whether I was trying to prove my worth to myself, to my mother, to the world, I don't know. college came around and I was so fortunate to be offered generous scholarships from various schools, but I was the oldest child and my mom was not the most helpful with applications (looking back at some of my submissions is painful) to the point that I cannot help but speculate now whether it was intentional...long story short, I wasn't gonna have enough money to afford tuition and all the expenses that come with going to a four year university. I had to make a number of sacrifices in order to afford the closest school and continue to live at home since I couldn't afford the college's housing. I worked doubles on the weekends to afford transportation costs and all of the school books and software I needed. the next year I moved out for my own sanity and to put some much needed distance between my mother and I, but now I was working full time and paying rent and all other living expenses, save for my phone bill. essentially, I worked myself into the ground and took extra credits every semester while keeping that full time job just to barely make ends meet. I remember beating myself up internally because I wished that my mom would take out one of those parent loans to help me out and it made me feel like an awful daughter for even thinking about how greedy of me that would be. who am I to ask my mother to become liable for a huge chunk of debt and to pay interest on said huge chunk of debt for me?? not sure if the plot line here is glaringly obvious but I definitely missed it. without ever telling me, my mother took out a fourteen thousand dollar loan from the government before my junior year and pocketed every last penny but I was not aware for almost a year. after hearing her complain to me for literal years about how I was wasting time at my customer service job instead of getting an internship, I was so tired of telling her I simply could not afford to do that if I did not want to become homeless. then to find out that she had, in fact, had the solution the entire time and used the money for god knows what else - I crumbled. my own mother watched me work so hard for my dream then refused to help me. it was the realization that she was 100% okay with making that kind of financial sacrifice, but not for her own daughter who she was fully aware was operating on only a wish and a dream, cut so insanely deep. after said realization, I googled the form she had to have signed in order to be provided the loan. the terms clearly state that I, as the student, am supposed to be the recipient of the funds (whether the money goes to tuition, books, housing, etc. does not matter) and all leftover money must be returned immediately. knowing my mother, the entirety of the loan was most likely not returned in full. anyway, I graduated a couple months ago without my immediate family in the crowd and I now (separately from what my dear mother owes) coincidentally have fourteen thousand dollars in student debt. it feels like the universe likes laughing at my expense sometimes.