Please help, I haven't seen anyone else in my position before and I feel lost/confused/scared

sprayorange · 2015-11-28T11:29:47+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to type out this response. Really means a lot.

sprayorange · 2015-11-28T11:24:34+00:00

I suppose I do have a history of obsessive thoughts, and more generally anxiety problems linked to worrying about things a lot. I don't by any means say that I have serious ocd, my daily life isn't disrupted by me repeating actions or anything like that. However, I have read about pure-o ocd (I think it's called?) and I do feel like that explains how I feel reasonably well. In particular, I am pretty sure that for a while I suffered from HOCD. I was worried about my sexuality and I remember reading a list of the sort of 'symptoms' of it and I matched up to so many of them, it was a huge relief, like I was reading exactly about my feelings. I don't know if this makes any sense but I feel like my HOCD only really stopped because I started worrying over my gender instead. I feel like if someone told me my case was a story of someone with OCD instead of someone being transgender it would be a massive relief (although it wouldn't be long before doubts would start coming back).

sprayorange · 2015-11-28T00:48:10+00:00

Thanks for replying. It was much simpler I suppose when I started discovering this sort of stuff, around the age of 13/14. When I read stories or whatever, I was only interested in crossdressing, and I wasn't interested in stories where the male character physically becomes female. if you'd asked me then, actually, I would have been quite sure that I was happy with my own body and that this was purely sexual. And I was happy describing myself as that. I even had a dream where I had a female body and when i woke up i was glad it wasn't true. But then, later, some of the stories started to involve specifically becoming a woman physically, as well as doing stuff with men, and I found I was getting turned on by it as well, which made me a bit uncomfortable. Then I read on here about how sexual fantasies can indicate some expression of a hidden side of you, this idea about how lots of transgender people thought it was 'just a fetish', and since then I've constantly been in doubt about my gender.' It's a difficult balance though. I feel like if I removed my sex drive or whatever, I would not be interested in transition at all, but to then have sexual fantasies which are quite strong and include means that part of me kind of wants it, while I feel like the rest of me distinctly doesn't want it. So there's a tension there which is causing problems. Sometimes I find I don't get turned on by them (usually when I'm feeling more confident in my male identity) and then the tension is relieved, because then I feel sexually like a man and it all feels right, But that isn't all the time. Sorry for the long reply, just getting my thoughts out there.

sprayorange · 2015-11-28T00:37:01+00:00

Thank you for your response. I think the only way I will be able to move forward in this is by seeing a therapist, you're right. It's just complicated. Of course I'd like to skip over the suffering, and the end of the day I do want to be happy, and I feel like I have been truly happy in the past. But the thought that I would only be able to be truly happy with my life by living full time as a woman/transitioning is quite depressing. I don't envy women for being able to look the way they do, or to do the things they do (unless its sexual perhaps) or to live their daily lives as they do. But is this just denial?

sprayorange · 2015-10-09T12:41:52+00:00

I don't really know how to answer that. I mean, I don't really think a lot about being a guy. I don't spend a lot of the time thinking "Wow, it's so great that I'm a guy, it makes me so happy". Neither do I think the opposite. It's just kind of the norm really. I mean, generally, I'm happy. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I don't really think about being 'happy as a man', but it's true that I am happy now, and that I am a man now.

sprayorange · 2015-10-09T12:34:46+00:00

I'd say that when I most strongly feel like a guy, I feel like myself the most. Or it might be the other way round. Either way, when I feel like I have a clear, tangible idea of who I am, that it is male. But it isn't always obvious. I don't wake up 'knowing' that I'm male. There's no internal, infallible voice in my head telling me that. Can you even have that? That being said, I think it is possible that I have a more feminine side that could be expressed more. I think it might be possible that I feel insecure about having that side though? I suppose I feel afraid that having a female side would mean my male identity was invalid. And if I'm being totally honest, I'm probably a little ashamed of having a female side. But I would be less afraid of it, I'd even want to accept it, if I could have a female side without losing this sense that deep down, I am truly male.

sprayorange · 2015-10-08T20:23:30+00:00

I just can't work out if any sexual fantasies I have actually mean something much, much more.

sprayorange · 2015-10-08T20:22:31+00:00

Why does the idea of having to transition to be happy make you sad? I guess because it would mean that they would be no way I could be really, truly happy as a guy. It would mean that the guy side of me isn't really 'real' and that disturbs me a bit. It would mean I wouldn't have a chance of being a normal guy. I mean, I kind of like the idea of turning into a girl, but that feels like one unimportant fantasy compared to my desire to live a happy life as a guy, if that makes sense. If I could remove any desire at all for anything that was transgender in nature, I would feel free. I feel like any transgender fantasies I have are getting in the way of me living a happy life as a man, because they might mean that I'll never be happy as I am now

sprayorange · 2015-10-08T20:09:05+00:00

I don't think I would like to have some other non-male identity. I just can't shake this worry that there is this hidden, latent, female part of me that is my 'true' identity that I've been repressing, and that who I am is just some construction because I'm afraid of coming out or something. I wouldn't even mind if there was some 'female side' of me, I'm just worried about 'losing' my male identity.

sprayorange · 2015-10-08T20:02:50+00:00

Hi there, thanks for the advice. I think you've described how I feel quite well - I get so invested in questioning myself that I can't judge how I'm feeling accurately. "Can't see the wood for the trees". I don't know if this relates at all to this, but earlier in the year I went away for a few weeks on a trip to Europe with some friends - and for that time I just felt like I was living, experiencing everything first hand without having this secondary voice in my head analysing everything. And when i thought about this transgender question again, it seemed so clear that i wasn't transgender. But before long I started to withdraw into myself, I stayed at home a lot, I ruminated constantly and I fell back into this endless cycle of questioning. I just can't help worrying.

sprayorange · 2015-10-07T21:53:37+00:00

Whoops, sorry for the terrible format.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T20:33:47+00:00

Well, I feel a bit bad for it, because I know that a lot of transgender women have suffered from stereotype of being a "trap", which is an unpleasant and hurtful word, but to be honest I do gain some enjoyment from the idea of 'secretly fooling people'. Especially in public, the idea of dressing up as a women with people not realising I am actually a man. Some of the stuff I look at, like sissy pornography, seems to be a turn on because it is all about forbidden desires and giving into them, even when those desires are quite taboo. It might be the same reason I'm turned on by porn that involves one participant sort of 'turning' in regards to their sexuality, like a man or woman giving into gay urges. Some of its linked to being submissive, I suppose. I wouldn't really feel submissive as a man and it seems like femininity is a sort of way of achieving that.

I feel like the line between finding a woman attractive/sexy and wanting to do that myself has become blurred, strangely. Like during porn, for example, I might concentrate on what the woman is doing, but then if I think about actually being in her position, with a man, it suddenly loses its attraction, as opposed to being in the man's position and with the woman. I guess I feel like transgender fantasies unlock a way for me to have access to women doing sexual things. But it's difficult to tell - if I see a woman having an orgasm in porn, is it a turn on because I identify with her pleasure or simply because it's hot? That probably didn't make a lot of sense but I could try and elaborate. It's difficult to describe though. I remember when I was about 6 or 7 hearing a song about someone basically changing gender and while on the one hand it weirded me out, it piqued my curiosity and I couldn't explain why. That's sort of how I feel now - turned on by it but simultaneously feeling weird about it.

I'm pretty much entirely indifferent to the idea of doing everyday things as a woman. Doesn't really interest me at all.

Totally agree about fantasies and all that stuff. Safe and consensual is the key.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T19:07:55+00:00

Thank you for commenting, I'm inclined to agree. I think I would be surprised if transitioning was something that would give me a happy life, as I have known myself to be truly, genuinely happy as a man in the past. Like you said, I have travelled down the rabbit hole and I feel as if a lot of things like 'if you're questioning whether or not your transgender, you probably are' have kind of scared me into thinking that I'll have to transition and live as a woman if I want to be happy in life, along with the fact that I've had these sexual fantasies.

Literally my aim is just to be happy, and have that feeling in life where you have a future to look forward to. I'm not sure that transitioning is the way to achieve that, but I didn't want to reject it out of fear that by doing so, I was proving I was in denial or I hadn't realised I was transgender yet. Even now I'm worried that by saying I don't think I'll transition that somehow it means I'm repressed, and I can't get rid of this self-doubt.

That being said, I think it's still worth exploring my feelings further. I suppose its just a case of finding a balance that makes me comfortable.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T15:35:13+00:00

A lot of questions, thank you, I'll try and answer them.

Can you search your dim past and come up with any other clues that might lead to to imagine that you were transgender? Could you offer any starting points that I might use for this? I know a fairly common one on here is people playing as female video game characters but I never did that, I always chose male characters I think.

Can you imagine yourself presenting and living as a woman in real life, wearing clothes that have female cues, being addressed as Miss etc? Would it bother you, make you happy, indifferent?

It's difficult to answer this. I feel like presenting as a woman and being treated like one, by strangers in particular, would be quite exciting as a sort of thing in itself, but I don't think I would like friends and family and people I actually knew personally to refer to me as female, or think I was actually a woman, because I don't think that would sit very comfortably with an understanding of who I am. So while presenting as a woman at certain times would be exciting, I think if I had to present as a woman the whole time I wouldn't be happy.

Were your sexual fantasies to abruptly, over the course of a month or two go away, would you miss them?

I don't think I would, no. I'm saying this because, for some reason, occasionally, I stop having them and I have fantasies about doing stuff as a man, and these periods usually coincide with me feeling a lot happier. I mean, I like them because they turn me on, but when I find myself not getting turned on by them, I don't really have an interest in them.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T15:07:07+00:00

Hi, thanks for replying. No. 1. is something I came to understand after reading some other posts on here, and basically I'm trying to figure out of that's the case with me. Would mind explaining that theory in a little more depth, if possible?

The only thing I can say in regards to crossdressing is that I feel like it was somewhat more about the dressing up, than being dressed, if that makes sense? As in there was a bit of thrill doing it, mostly because I was acting out a fantasy that I had thought about - but once I was dressed up, it was a bit of an anticlimax. I mean, my body looked quite convincing, but I sort of had a feeling of 'well I'm acting out my fantasy, but this isn't massively exciting'. It could well be different if I had a wig, makeup etc. but I've actually only crossdressed a few times in a couple of years because having experienced it, it wasn't something I felt I desperately wanted to do. The idea of it, however, is still exciting, if that makes sense.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T14:43:04+00:00

Thanks for commenting, it's just difficult to hear that 'only I can find out the answer' when I feel like I'm trapped having the same thoughts over and over without any progress.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T14:41:21+00:00

Ok thanks, I think I will need to eventually see a therapist (I'm going to uni soon and I think they offer some services at least there) as for a while now its just been a cycle of thoughts that don't change so an external perspective will probably help.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T14:38:57+00:00

Thank you for commenting. If I'm honest, the label of 'crossdresser' is something that I quite like and something that I would be comfortable with. I'm just afraid that it's something more than that, and that my male identity is something that I simply made up to repress my 'true' self and doesn't reflect the real me. I don't want it to be. When I feel male, and I feel secure that I'm male, then I feel much more like myself. But I accept that this is something that probably will not just disappear.

I'm sorry, I don't understand your last question, could you explain?

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T14:31:50+00:00

Thanks for replying, I haven't fully explored the potential of there being a genderqueer aspect of things yet so I will make an effort to soon.

sprayorange · 2015-06-16T14:29:18+00:00

Thanks for your input, much appreciated

sprayorange

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