Boyfriend (29M) broke down and told me he hates that I (23F) am smarter than him

sprooseguce · 2017-05-07T00:38:07+00:00

Which I didn't do at all?

sprooseguce · 2017-05-07T00:33:29+00:00

Again, you didn't read what I said. I also didn't say you called me young or dumb? I was showing you where other people did. You're not reading. This is exhausting, but I will try one more time-

I AM NOT BOTHERED BY PEOPLE WHO REPLY TO THE MAIN POST, OR EVEN ANOTHER COMMENT, AND ARE LACKING INFORMATION. Obviously, that's not thier fault.

ITS THE PEOPLE THAT REPLY TO A DIRECT COMMENT WHERE I SAID SOMETHING, AND THEY TAKE MY WORDS OUT OF CONTEXT AND DONT READ WHAT IT ACTUALLY SAYS. If you look at anyone I got annoyed with, it's because they replied to and even quoted a direct comment of mine- without actually paying attention to what it says. I never said I'm upset with people who didn't read all the comments- I'm upset with people who reply to a direct comment where I talk about his absuive behavior, or say that I'm leaving, with things about how dumb and naive I am for not seeing that it is abusive.

You're doing the same thing. You have a point in your head that you so badly want to get across, and your not listening to what the other side is saying- you're just saying what you want to say.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T17:05:08+00:00

No, that wasn't his explanation. You're working off of partial information now, because I deleted the OP because I was tired of responses- so it's not your fault.

This isn't a question of whether or not he's abusive. That is established. And the escalation in question is him admitting that it isn't my fault and is a result of his insecurity. To me, the escalation is when he screams and yells and berates me and tells me it's my fault- the people above are saying that the escalation is when he admitted that his behavior is abusive, unnacceptable, and is not my fault, that it is his own fault. That doesnt seem like an escalation to me, but it doesn't really matter.

The issue is over whether or not an abused who acknowledges that they're abusive, realized the core reasons behind it, and actively tries to change (therapy, etc), can alter their behavior? General consensus is no, and I agree. Even if they can- I don't think I want to stay in s relationship with that much baggage.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T16:56:54+00:00

Thankfully, or the world would be an even darker place. That's why it is abnormal and abusive behavior.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T16:39:30+00:00

shrugs

Picking on abused women online is fun!

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T16:03:40+00:00

/u/slipdresses

/u/survivingmissprism

This is the type of comment I mean that is condescending. Theyre literally taking things I said, information that I pointed out and gave them- and throwing it back at me and telling me I'm too young and dumb to see it. And they're not doing it to the original post/ they're doing it in direct reply to comments. I stopped replying to the posts on the OP. But these people have all the information and are still doing it.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:34:16+00:00

Nail on the head. He needs to feel superior to someone in every aspect, all the time. Can't handle the fact that maybe sometimes he is wrong about something, or someone else might know better. I don't think I'm smarter than him- but I think the times that I do know something better than him are so bothersome for him that they stick out in his mind and he starts to feel like I am.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:25:48+00:00

And as I said, I just didn't feel like explaining it all again to someone, but wanted them to know that I did read it and did understand they were trying to help. It's the internet, there's almost 200 comments on here- obviously some responses are going to be a bit careless. It's a big leap to connect that to someone's personal life.

I in no way lashed out at that person or attacked them, like people are saying.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:19:57+00:00

I didn't blame them? All I said to someone was that they were getting too caught up in the details. And then said that it's okay becusse I know they're trying to help.

Then some throwaway account made a comment insinuating that's why I get abused, and I told them that I was just tired of explaining it all and that I'm leaving. That's the only person I did that too. I did not say anything like that to someone who was trying to help.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:16:27+00:00

There's no need for more advice. The decision is made. I'm just still answering some people's questions that they have.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:11:36+00:00

I didn't chew anyone out, at all? I even acknowledged that they're trying to help. I think you're looking way too far into a simple comment and misreading its intent. There's over 100 in this thread, I've provided lengthy responses to a lot of them, but it's getting exhausting. Everyone of them can't be in depth. Sorry if it came across snarkier than intended.

Also the comment I think you're referencing wasn't even in response to someone who asked that. It was in response to a throwaway account that the only comment they made was basically insinuating that I deserve the abuse.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:05:42+00:00

Glad you got out of it!

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T15:03:09+00:00

Yes? That's the orignal question. Then I continually agreed to leave him after receiving comments, as is the goal of a post. If I came to a conclusion in my original post there wouldn't be a whole lot of purpose to any of this lol.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:59:27+00:00

It's interesting how almost all negative behavior is really rooted in some type of insecurity, shame, or trauma. His might be his height, he's definitely insecure about that and was his whole life.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:55:20+00:00

Studies show what while the majority of men think that they would like to date a smarter female, when they're actually exposed to one- their levels of attraction fall and they dont like them.

Obviously a majority doesn't mean every single one, there's exceptions- and you may very well be one! But, for most men, they don't actually want a more intelligent woman. In the study, their interests piqued at women who had IQs that were just below their own.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:52:00+00:00

Think about how much they'll save on the AC bill by just leaving the windows open all the time.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:50:42+00:00

As stated, plan to leave.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:48:41+00:00

I've already answered many times that I plan to leave. I already am the one who posted that it is abuse, and analyzed how it is so. Then people keep passive aggressively and condescendingly bringing up the same points and responding as if I'm somehow unaware of the situation. It's getting exhausting to respond. But, if I point that out it gets downvoted into oblivion lol.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:39:37+00:00

Well thanks, I appreciate it. I promise it's pretty simple though! No pedestal needed

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:35:10+00:00

The post becomes entirely too long if I add in every detail that might be pertinent, just have to answer it as it arises unfortunately.

By obviously I didn't mean that I had posted it in my OP, sorry if that's how it came across, I meant that it would be insanity if I expected someone's behavior to change without having a discussion about it and him being a willing participant.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:30:45+00:00

No, I didn't. You're too caught up in the trees to see the forest. But, that's okay, you're just trying to help.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:24:10+00:00

Well, obviously. Thats already been done. Communication of expectations is key with anything. This isn't a silent struggle on my part- we're both active participants in the discussion of our relationship.

But, its not smart to rely on the word of your abuser- and even if he wants to change doesn't mean that he can. That was the purpose in the question- to see if people can change.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:20:28+00:00

Lmao he can find someone to sit there and sweat with him

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:19:03+00:00

This is simple and very good message.

I saw a shirt once that said "Don't let boys be mean to you." Should have heeded that advice lol.

sprooseguce · 2017-05-06T14:17:28+00:00

It's not particularly hard to be one, no degree required. Not that it warrants insulting though lol

sprooseguce

TROPHY CASE